HELP!

[w00ki33]

Hi,
I have a problem that I'm guessing is not completely unique, so I hope you folks can help me.

So far the only experience with other men has been cyber. I've never been explicit about my sexuality, but I've never denied it either. It's more that nobody has really asked, and I don't think it's their business. I don't go around publicly ogling women, and I don't say homophobic things, so I didn't think I was being hypocritical. If people assume I'm straight, that's their opinion.

I have recently gotten back into dating. Even though I'm attracted to both genders, I am looking for a woman right now. So in online dating sites I've said "man seeking woman" and felt that I was being honest.

Except now I'm on a site where it asks for oientation, and I chickened out and put down straight. I don't know if I'm ready to come out as bi to people I know.

So now I feel like I'm lying, but at the same time I'm just not ready to take that plunge.

What should I do? I know that if I meet someone thatI will have to tell them that I'm "bi-curious," but that's between us. But that means that I would run the risk of thinking that I lied to them. I am honest about my opinions on sexuality, and I would not date someone who is not open-minded about this. I want to be honest, but I'm scared.

I read once that "there is no such thing as bi behaviour, only bi histories." By that definition, I'm not really bi. But I'm not really straight either. HELP!

[NotLostJustWandering]

You might consider full disclosure at some point between the first contact and the first time you have sex. It's a strategy that works for some. Casually drop hints or leading questions to feel out your date's feelings about bi men, and then take the plunge if the water looks safe.

Are you lying? Well, yeah, but considering all the mistaken ideas people have about bisexuality (the 50%-50% myth was getting passed around here, of all places, just yesterday) and that you don't seem to need men the way bi guys like myself do, this might be what you have to do to not frighten away women before you have the chance to explain all the details of your sexuality (and educate them a bit.) After all, we all have secrets we don't reveal all at once to everybody.

[w00ki33]

I think where I fall in place is that while I find men attractive, I can only really see myself in love with a woman. Yeah, I realize that's fence sitting/hairsplitting. But maybe in five years I'll think differently.

God, I'm so nervous about all this! I am used to a semi-monastic life.

[cuttin2dachase]

It is not a sin to be bi or bi curious nor are you living a lie if you choose to be closeted and hide your varied sexual attractions and desires from str8 family, friends, coworkers and most of the world at large (as I choose to do). I am only "out" with my likeminded female and male friends here on this website (and several other such websites LOL) and, of course, to a select few men and women I have met thru such websites. Moral issues only come into play when you are in a committed relationship and are not honest with and faithful to your significant other.
My 1st wife and I had a wild passionate, kinky sex life which included other married couples (yes we were swingers when it wasn't cool LOL). It was a natural progression for both of us to explore bi sex together...It turned out that she preferred me and other men in our bed and was jealous of me with another woman in our bed, although she was enjoying sex with me AND another man AND another woman in our bed. It also turned out that I preferred her and other men in our bed too... no drama, no fear of being accused of wanting to leave her for the other woman...also because the 1st time I had sex with a man she was having sex with too...I LIKED it ! She was all the woman I wanted and desired and it was then that I realized that sex with other men is a very kinky and viable option too ! When we split up, I was able to explore my bi male desires on my own with other men and couples and I liked it too...a LOT...then along came my future 2nd wife, who is 180 degrees opposite. I fully disclosed to her (when we were dating) my swinging past with 1st wife and that I had been with men too...didn't seem to bother her, but she did insist that she would not "swing" with me or share me with other men or women. I loved her and married her and was faithful to her for 8 years although I did fantasize quite often of being in bed with her and another man and sometimes..in bed solo with another man or bi married couple. It turned out that for the whole 8 years we'd been married, she had been engaged in an affair with a married businessman she'd been seeing even while we were dating...when his wife got wise to his multiple affairs and kicked him out he ran to her and she dumped me. Best thing that coulda happened to me ! I am now free for almost 2 years (although not legally divorced yet LOL) and can truthfully say that I am married, but not cheating on my wife LMAO

Like you, w00k, I can only feel emotional love with a woman to whom I am emotionally committed. I can and do desire and feel sexual intimacy with other men and women (it's called "friends with benefits".) I will never ever commit again to a woman who does not accept my sexuality and share my desire to share our sexuality and sexual love with others

[NotLostJustWandering]

If I sounded too harsh in saying that it would be lying to misrepresent your sexuality on a dating site, I'm sorry. I meant that it's in the realm of the little white lie, like lying about your age, which I think everyone over 39 does (except for me, of course)! But continuing the lie after you've started shagging your quarry is another story, IMO.