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  1. #31

    Re: Being bi and being married

    Hi,
    I'm fairly new to being bi and being married. I'm not sure if I've posted before. Hubby and I have been together 30 yrs, he's supportive. I'd came out as Bi like 3 weeks ago now. My parents know,my psych dr,my therapist,hubby,oldest 2 sons and my daughter knows. I don't think my 16 yr old son knows, I'd never said anything to him, thought it might bother him to know. I like these kinds of group it helps to talk when nobody else understands not having the same thing of being Bi. Thanks for letting me share !

  2. #32

    Re: Being bi and being married

    Agree with Liz... Married 27 years... Love my Wife like there is no tomorrow. Cannot imagine life without her. I shared with her that I am Bi-curious about a year ago. She works at accomodating my fantasies though they are not necessarily attractive to her. Biggest difference in us is sex drive. I have remained monogamus and will do so, even though last we talked she indicated her acceptance if I went for it with another male. I would rather her be present. She is apprehensive. So I feel truly blessed to have a spouse that I can cherish for the rest of my life, who is thoughtful as well. Therefore, I am Bi, married and monogamous, and Blessed! I also do not feel the need to broadcast it to the world.


    Also want to thank the truely honest, thoughtful, and wonderful people on this site. There are a bunch of great folks here.

  3. #33

    Re: Being bi and being married

    I have always thought of myself as straight but bicurious. Straight meaning that my choice for a sexual preference is a woman. But I have always thought about having sex with other men, just never have before except as a childhood experiment that turned bad. So wouldn't it be if you marry a woman and are monogamous, wouldn't that make you straight? Maybe I don't understand what bisexuality is? If the man is still a bisexual, then wouldn't that make me one too? Is there a real meaning of "straight"? I can't help but to be a little confused. Then again it doesn't take much sometimes to confuse me!

  4. #34

    Re: Being bi and being married

    Quote Originally Posted by Crazyme1007 View Post
    So wouldn't it be if you marry a woman and are monogamous, wouldn't that make you straight? Maybe I don't understand what bisexuality is?
    I suggested something similar in this forum some time ago: If a guy marries a woman- even if both are bisexual- but they are strictly monogamous, then for all intents and purposes they would be considered straight. That comment wasn't received well.

    The whole label thing can run you in circles. There's too many aspects to people's sexual tastes and behaviors to be able to define someone accurately and I sometimes get annoyed with attempts to do so. However, I'll admit I enjoy getting involved in such discussions.

    For instance, my next door neighbors- a married lesbian couple- sent me the following link yesterday:
    http://www.nytimes.com/2014/03/23/ma...s.html?hp&_r=1

    I'd read some of the story already and had to tell them I get a bit annoyed with attempts at definitive labels of people. Yet, I found the following quote from that story intriguing:

    "Szymanski told me about two female friends of theirs who only dated men until meeting each other late in life. “They’re pretty militant about their lesbianism now,” Szymanski said, “but I’ll ask them, ‘Did you have really great sex with guys?’ They nod. ‘Did you have orgasms?’ They nod. ‘Could you still have them?’ They nod. But they insist that they’re lesbians, because, I think, they’re convinced it’s in their best interest to identify that way.”

    I ended up asking my neighbors those same questions. Have they had sex with guys before? Did they enjoy it? Would they want to do it again? If so, might they be considered bisexuals and not lesbians? At what point does lesbianism turn into bisexuality, or vice versa? A real can of worms, and there I go trying to find definitive labels myself!

  5. #35

    Re: Being bi and being married

    I'm more of a browser than a poster - but may I share personally - that if you're married and you pledged to be monogamous, it requires conversations and honesty to move beyond that.

    I'm bisexual - and married. And my husband has always been supportive of that fact. But we've decided that it's become too much for our relationship to sustain. In the same way as I know he's attracted to other women and I'm attracted to both men and women, we've decided that we want to be with and be exclusive with each other. We've had a roller coaster over the last few years especially. Like a super duper fun one. But we've mutually decided it has to end.

    All I will say is that if you want to pursue partners outside of your marriage, you need to do so with complete honesty. It's what we've done and we were lucky enough to come to the same conclusion as my being bi was repeatedly resulting in full threesomes. So for now, that's the end of it for us. He knows I'm still attracted to women. But I have too much to lose.
    I like not only to be loved, but also to be told I am loved. George Eliot

  6. #36

    Re: Being bi and being married

    I am presently with a bisexual lady, but was married to two straight women. (One at a time!) Looking back, I don't know why I tormented myself, by thinking I could live a straight lifestyle. Now, for the first time in my life, I am truly happy and totally open with my GF.

    I'm sure there are stronger people than me, who are bisexual and can ignore the temptations, but I found it impossible to live monogamously.

    With one, I ended up cheating for a long time; the temptation was just too much for me. Finally, I couldn't stand the lies, secrecy, fear of being found out, so I divorced her and left her with everything I'd worked for. It was small compensation for what I'd done.

    With the 2nd one, I decided to leave the marriage, because after 10 years, I couldn't stand it any longer. At least I didn't have to live in the shadows, that time, and got out before I did!

    I will never be in a committed relationship with another straight person. If anyone else can, more power to them!

  7. #37

    Re: Being bi and being married

    In a way, I have known my sexuality was atypical since I was about 12 years old. I didn't have a word for it then. And, it took about 30 years from then to acknowledge a word for it. I consider myself "bisexual" now. That said, I am married and monogamous. My sex life has been plain vanilla and has never included same-sex sex. It is not outwardly necessary for me to identify with the word bisexual. I don't much like the word or the connotation, especially when I read some of the views on this site. However, it was inwardly necessary for me to understand my sexuality and to accept it. Bisexual seems like a reasonable word, although I don't seem to be much like many other bisexuals.

    I am not "out" and don't plan to be. I have talked to a couple of counselors. I have shared the totality of who I am with an old friend. I have a handful of online friends I have discussed the main facts with. I have had some conversations with my wife. She knows what it seemed she wanted to know, and we left it at that. What's the point of rubbing someone's nose in something it took me many years to digest? No one is forcing me to be monogamous. I choose to be, because I prioritize my family and I value commitment and integrity. For me, thus far, extramarital sex has not been an option to consider. If I felt compelled to act in that way, I would feel obliged to first address it within my marriage. The rest is nobody's business, as I see it.

    I have learned to try to have fewer opinions about others' personal lives.

  8. #38

    Re: Being bi and being married

    It's great to hear from more people who are bi that make it work within their marriages alone. My husband is bi and also has no desire to seek secondary relationships outside his marriage. He is just happy at this to accept and be at peace with who he is. Our now verynon vanilla sex life is taking care of any cravings popping up so far and we are having a whole hell of a lot of fun along the way.

  9. #39

    Re: Being bi and being married

    I told my wife before we married close to 10 years ago that I was bi and was accepting of a open relationship. It has worked really well for us as she likes to have some extra fun as well. We both have gone solo with other men and have enjoyed them together as well. Haven't included another woman ... yet ... or a couple but we are open to new adventures in the future ...

  10. #40

    Re: Being bi and being married

    Hi I'm bi and married and my wife knew I was bi before I married her I asked her would I have to change me if we did she said no but after the ring went on her finger it did I can't be me anymore. So now I sneak around talking and flirting with a few guys but haven't did anything other then play with my toy every once in a while I feel like I'm hiding a part of me and I just don't know how long I can do this for I love her to death but I feel like a part of me is dying to please give me some advice on it all ideas anything would be helpful thanks...

  11. #41

    Re: Being bi and being married

    Quote Originally Posted by biguyforguys View Post
    Hi I'm bi and married and my wife knew I was bi before I married her I asked her would I have to change me if we did she said no but after the ring went on her finger it did I can't be me anymore. So now I sneak around talking and flirting with a few guys but haven't did anything other then play with my toy every once in a while I feel like I'm hiding a part of me and I just don't know how long I can do this for I love her to death but I feel like a part of me is dying to please give me some advice on it all ideas anything would be helpful thanks...
    Yeah, that's a problem. she knew who you were from the get-go. That is such a wonderful gift. I'm mad for you that you got baited and switched.you should never have to hide who you are. Now what you do may be a whole nother ball of wax. If you knew she expected monogamy, did you get from her what her understanding of monogamy was? Hard limits etc.? Most women want sole devotion to them, which means just that, no flirting, chatting, camming or otherwise, gender non withstanding. My hard limits for my relationship runs similar, lt also runs into hypotheticals (ie should non-monogamy ever happen, no gay guys and no alone play allowed). I'm not a big fan of the flirt (either gender, unless we are doing it as a couple) and chatting and camming are right out. But if my hubby finds a guy cute, wants to tell me his fantasies and just flat out be himself that's okay. I don't hide that I like men and can appreciate a gorgeous set of boobs, so why should he?

  12. #42

    Re: Being bi and being married

    My wife and I have been in an open swinging lifestyle since we were dating. We've been married over 6 years, and been together for about 8 I let her know from the beginning about both mu sexuality and my Lifestyle Turns out she gets turned on when men fuck me and we engage in other sexual relations She lets me enjoy the sexual company of other women as well Its a two way street, so she has fun indulging in her sexual fantasies as well We both went into this relationship knowing monogamy wasn't going to happen!

  13. #43

    Re: Being bi and being married

    I came to be bi because of my sense of adventure and my 1st ex wife. We swung together with other couples but she had fantasies of watching me with other men as well as having 2 (or more) men in her bed. Sexually, there were not many things we wouldn't try together. From the night I sucked a man and was sucked by a man for the 1st time, I knew I'd discovered yet another sexual activity I enjoyed very much. I admit I was curious and fantasized about 1 on 1 sex with men without wife present, but I never acted on it because of the great sex we had together and together with other men. When we separated because of her abuse of alcohol and drugs, I was meeting other men within 2 weeks. The 1st two men I met were men I knew from 3somes with my wife who had expressed a desire to meet me alone. I was also able to meet a few married couples for 3somes. I lived the bi/swinging lifestyle for 2 years until I met my future 2nd wife. She was very straitlaced. She knew about my prior swinging and that I had been with men, but told me in no uncertain terms that she would not swing with me or tolerate any extramarital afffairs. I loved her very much and remained physically faithful for 10 years although I did still fantasize about 3somes, other bi men and many other kinky things. It was partly a moral/ethical issue for me, but the one thing that kept me faithful was knowing how badly she would be hurt and also knowing she'd out me to all my friends and coworkers if I got caught. In hindsight, I should have played around on her because she had a long affair with local businessman the whole time we were together. I felt like such a fool when I discovered the depth and extent of her deceit and infidelity. I regretted ever meeting her and wasting those 10 years of my life. After I left her, it wasn't long before I resumed my kinky ways. Although I would like to have a female companion again, I will not, unless she is understanding and tolerant of my sexuality. It would be icing on the cake if she enjoyed swinging and mfm 3somes ! If that is not meant to be, I will be content to be a solo bi swinger until sex no longer interests me...which is hope is NEVER ! LOL

  14. #44

    Re: Being bi and being married

    If I may interject here and of course we are all sharing our views which are valid. We tend to connect monogamy with getting married. Who said you had to use that rule in your relationship? If you decided to marry someone you made a choice to have a relationship with him or her. However, the problem lies when one party see a relationship as strictly monogamous. I don't knock those that have lived their lives happy with only the one and it happened to be the spouse, but I feel we should look at marriage from another perspective, as having a life long partner you want to please. If pleasing means they would like to explore, and both parties agree, then I feel you have the makings of a true life long relationship because you like and love each other but also want to make them happy. I know some will not see it as such but again, that is a perspective of relationships they decided to take.

    Let me throw a what if in here. If the relationship is solely based on monogamy, what happens if one day in your marriage God forbid him or her cannot have sex anymore due to a physical condition of some type? Based on the principle of marriage equals monogamy, that would leave the other partner without hope and completely unhappy. Now I know the physically challenged spouse may make an exception here but you can see it is basically about making each other happy. It takes some communication but you really have to get at the bottom of WHY you want to open your relationship up and WHERE you want it to go.

    As for me, I have known since I was young I was bi but have not had the chance much to do anything with my bi side. I DO appreciate this site where we can all discuss and get to know each other.

  15. #45

    Re: Being bi and being married

    if you accepted monogamy as a marriage requirement, then you have it. if not, and the goal posts were moved after marriage, i see 3 options, accept, divorce, cheat. they all suck in their own way. UP2U, it's your smile, only you know what will make it bigger.

  16. #46

    Re: Being bi and being married

    Hiya folks, I am married and identify as bisexual so does my wife. It works very well for us. We are able to share admiration for both sexes.

    Here's my take on Bisexuality...A bisexual identity speaks to the potential, not the requirement, for involvement with more than one gender/sex. This involvement may mean sexually, emotionally, in reality, or in fantasy. Monogamy and non-monogamy are relationship choices made independently of sexual identity. Some bisexuals are monogamous, some may have concurrent partners, others may relate to different genders/sexes during different times of their lives. Most bisexuals do not have to be involved with more than one person at a time in order to feel fulfilled. We see the person not the gender.
    "Remember; if you can't resolve your conflicts with the power of the word...hit them with your laptop!"--© 1998 J.E. Benedict

  17. #47

    Re: Being bi and being married

    Hi,

    I found this site googling for this topic. Been married now for 8 years, together for 10. This is my second marriage. First to a man, now to a woman. Got about the same amount of time in, and got to the same place: I miss sex with the other sex, like, A LOT. My wife is strictly monogamous. I knew that going in, but after a failed marriage to a man, I thought, maybe I just was meant to be with a woman and it would all be alright. And now I find myself here once again.

    It's tough to talk to her about it because, in my experience, lesbians are touchy about bi-sexual women. They assume all bi women are just curious about being lesbians and will eventually leave them for a man. I don't want to leave my wife. But, there's the whole issue of her not having a penis. And no, strap-ons are just not the same. The sex is just not the same. Men smell different, they taste different, they feel different. And I miss them.

    Anyway, I don't suppose I am looking for answers, just a place to talk. As someone said earlier, there are three choices: 1) Accept, 2) Cheat, 3) Leave. For now, I'm going with #1. It's just frustrating some days more than others. Especially as we no longer have sex withIN the marriage. Yeah, lesbian bed death. It's real.

    So, anyway, thanks for letting me vent, thanks for being here.

    ~Rose

  18. #48

    Re: Being bi and being married

    Rose, you're not the first to think that, which is sublime will always be that way!

    Like you, when I divorced, I assumed that I would be happier with another male; I didn't think I'd be with a woman, again. But, I didn't want to slam that door closed....so any prospective lover would be told I was still bisexual..

    Being relationship oriented, I searched for a male partner.

    When I found that a gay fellow I'd known for years had broken up with his long-time lover, I began to date him and we began a relationship.

    I insisted he should be aware that I was bisexual and even though I didn't think I would, might someday meet a lady I'd want to date, too. He swore he was OK with that, as long as he wasn't expected to join us.

    Then, I met a bisexual lady, right here on this site in late 2008, and we soon became lovers. Unlike you, I refused to resign myself to one gender. She was perfectly OK with my male lover...but he was NOT OK with her!

    Sadly, my male lover became jealous and demanded I dump my newly found GF.

    Telling him I'd never hidden my bisexuality from him, I felt no responsibility to adhere to his demands and gave him the choice to leave, to stay. But, I was not telling my GF to leave!

    I hate to say, he chose to go!

    All has worked out well, however, and I'm experiencing the best relationship of my life. I can still have a male lover if I want and she can have a female lover if she wants.

    Life is good, when you're accepted for being who you are, with those who love you and there are no unrealistic demands upon you.

    Not being jealous has been a huge boon to our happiness, too!

  19. #49

    Re: Being bi and being married

    Quote Originally Posted by Gypsy_Rose View Post
    Hi,


    It's tough to talk to her about it because, in my experience, lesbians are touchy about bi-sexual women. They assume all bi women are just curious about being lesbians and will eventually leave them for a man.

    So, anyway, thanks for letting me vent, thanks for being here.

    ~Rose
    Yea I understand that one. I am quite amazed at the tolerance gays and lesbians want everyone to have towards them but then when it comes to a bisexual person, a lot of them don't know how to handle it. I have met quite a few lesbian women who just can't take it and there are some gay guys who just think you are gay if you even think of liking men.

    As for your other statements I feel for you in having to deal with this dilemma we are all in. Men are quite different from women and I long to find another bi man to touch. Women are great but not the same as a man and you really cannot compare the two since they don't compete.

  20. #50

    Re: Being bi and being married

    Quote Originally Posted by Gypsy_Rose View Post
    Hi,
    Quote Originally Posted by Gypsy_Rose View Post
    I found this site googling for this topic. Been married now for 8 years, together for 10. This is my second marriage. First to a man, now to a woman. Got about the same amount of time in, and got to the same place: I miss sex with the other sex, like, A LOT. My wife is strictly monogamous. I knew that going in, but after a failed marriage to a man, I thought, maybe I just was meant to be with a woman and it would all be alright. And now I find myself here once again.

    It's tough to talk to her about it because, in my experience, lesbians are touchy about bi-sexual women. They assume all bi women are just curious about being lesbians and will eventually leave them for a man. I don't want to leave my wife. But, there's the whole issue of her not having a penis. And no, strap-ons are just not the same. The sex is just not the same. Men smell different, they taste different, they feel different. And I miss them.

    Anyway, I don't suppose I am looking for answers, just a place to talk. As someone said earlier, there are three choices: 1) Accept, 2) Cheat, 3) Leave. For now, I'm going with #1. It's just frustrating some days more than others. Especially as we no longer have sex withIN the marriage. Yeah, lesbian bed death. It's real.

    So, anyway, thanks for letting me vent, thanks for being here.

    ~Rose




    Will she at least role play with you? I can get my husband to occasionally role play my dreams out with me. It helps quite a bit.






  21. #51

    Re: Being bi and being married

    Quote Originally Posted by Realist View Post

    All has worked out well, however, and I'm experiencing the best relationship of my life. I can still have a male lover if I want and she can have a female lover if she wants.

    Life is good, when you're accepted for being who you are, with those who love you and there are no unrealistic demands upon you.
    That is so great to hear. It is amazing how a relationship can work when one changes a perception about relationships. It takes two and you did it. I wish others were not so judgmental or rigid in their belief system.

  22. #52

    Re: Being bi and being married

    Quote Originally Posted by JUSTLUVIN View Post
    It is amazing how a relationship can work when one changes a perception about relationships. It takes two and you did it. I wish others were not so judgmental or rigid in their belief system.
    I agree. I personally do not believe in monogamy. If others want to be monogamous, power to them, but I believe it is a social construct we place upon ourselves and is not necessarily a natural state. if it were i don't think it would be so difficult for so many of us to maintain.

    having an open relationship is not easy to do though either, if you also want to maintain a serious long term committed relationship in addition to multiple sexual partners, both people in the long term relationship have to be mature, secure, and engage in lots of open honest dialog. that's not always easy for people.

    however that being said, my relationship, before this one, was at least partially open. he had no problem with me taking women as sexual partners in addition to our relationship as long as i came home to him. the problem i find is the women i have known want to settle down, domesticate and nest, whereas the men have been more open to multiple partners and a more free relationship. so even thought my former bf was open to me having women partners as well, the women often got too clingy and wanted me to give up my relationship with him.

    eventually i met a woman i fell in love with (as much as my relationship with him worked sexually, i did not love him), and am now married to.

    if only we could separate sex and relationship, i would be good. but so many people want to combine the two exclusively. i haven't had sex in years because my wife believes in monogamy, and i love and respect her, but most of all don't want to hurt her, and cheating would hurt her.

    even if i weren't bi, it would be a problem. being bi just makes it more complicated, because even if we were having sex together, i would still be sexually attracted to men as well, and that's just something i could never satisfy within our relationship.

    if i didn't love her, it would be easy. i didn't love my ex-husband, and eventually cheated and ultimately left him for another man, the one who was willing to let me explore my sexuality with others other than just him.

    i'm 50 years old. i feel like it's too late to start all over again trying to find the perfect fit. that because i found love i should just be satisfied, and not selfish, that i have it better than many people who never find love. life is never perfect, and i feel like i should be grateful. yet i am frustrated, unfulfilled and sad.

    there's a part of me that just wishes i could be a permanent part of a poly triad, with a bi female and a straight male. but it took me 40 years to find one person to love. the chances of me finding two at this stage of the game just seems like a fairy tale. (and plus at the end of the day, all problems aside, i DO love my wife, and don't actually want to leave her.)

    thanks for listening.
    Last edited by Gypsy_Rose; May 27, 2014 at 3:24 AM.

  23. #53

    Re: Being bi and being married

    Rose, you wrote........"there's a part of me that just wishes i could be a permanent part of a poly triad, with a bi female and a straight male."

    Totally understand the attraction of a Triad, or Polyamorous arrangement...but have a question, or two.

    My 1st wife was bisexual, but was totally and vehemently against my having any male sexual interaction. She went into great detail to give her opinions of how perverted and against-nature, male-on-male sexuality was!

    She felt it was perfectly natural and even desirable for women to be lovers. But, in the same breath, she would pontificate about the evils of men "doing it"!

    You're not the first lady, here, who has made that statement and I think the dichotomy is not all that rare...so, I'd like to hear why you made that comment about wanting to be with a straight male? Did you mean "ONLY A STRAIGHT MALE"?

    Is that your set-in-concrete rule, or would it really matter, if you loved a bisexual man?

    I've been in three poly relationships. One failed because of a husband's jealousy...even though he initiated the union, but the other two were rewarding and maybe my best partnerships, ever.

    Not trying to be obstinate, or intrusive, would just like to hear your thoughts on the questions above.

  24. #54

    Re: Being bi and being married

    To Realist and Rose,

    I truly enjoyed reading your post. Rose, you said some profound things and it is true; it is all about perception. The fact that you love you partner so much that you will abstain from exploring with others is admirable. I just wish your partner could see what you are going through. Both you and Realist have or had partners that (excuse the term were or are selfish in their beliefs). Now I know you love them but we do have to admit that sometimes we have to be careful about pushing our belief systems on others. I know from your perspectives you are very sensitive about that. I wish others were.

    If we could separate sex from relationships that would be grand. Since relationships involve so much more than sex anyway. I have come to see sex as a such a minor thing when it comes to relationships to the extent that when I see someone whose focus is just on who you are having sex with, I start to wonder where one's relationship is based. Is it purely on the physical level or somewhere else?

    I do empathize with both of your dilemmas. I have been single all my life with a few girlfriends and a desire to explore my bi side. I don;t know why I didn't get married. There was one relationship I had with a woman that lasted for like 10 years. We were getting really solid in our relationship and even lived together. Sex was good but she was wanting to find her "one true love" and had these preconceived ideas of a relationship that you just don't find anywhere. At one time we were close enough to be involved but allowed ourselves to be open. One of her friends was going to be our first for a threesome but it never panned out. The third person started getting confused about what a relationship was all about and we saw it was causing her problems so we decided we better not go there. As you have mentioned, even though 2 may agree to be in an open relationship, you also have to think about the third.

    Since that time I have talked with a lot of married men who knew I was bi and wished they could do something. The usual story is in a marriage for some 15 to 25 years and the wife decides she does not want to have sex anymore. The husband is fit to be tied and does not want to cheat on his wife but has desires and also a curiosity to be with men but not in a gay sense. It is a dilemma we have. I just wish our significant others could understand this. I dare say that the partners who believe in monogamy cannot say they have never fantasized about having sex with either someone else or someone of their own sex in their lifetime. Life is just to dang short.

    My brother in law after marriage for 25 years is now re-evaluating his relationship. Come to find out, and I didn't know, that he got married because she was pregnant and they thought well we are good friends so lets get married. So he just now comes out and tells me he never loved her, he just felt like he should. I know that is another story but I just think about the loves we live for an ideal but not really happy, Again life is too short and I know I am rambling..forgive me. But Realist and Rose, I truly empathize with what you go through.

  25. #55

    Re: Being bi and being married

    Oh Realist, I am so sorry that you experienced such terrible prejudice against who you are. Truly, I hold no such prejudice, just simply for me, and just for me, I do not, for lack of a better term, "get-off" on watching two men have sex together. I am not repulsed by it, nor do I think it is in any way wrong, but it is just not one of my major turn-ons. However, I know for many, many women it is exactly that! So those women would be better suited for relationships with bi men than I. But I wouldn't reject a man, and certainly would never berate him just because he was bi. I don't believe in any of those things that were told to you by your 1st wife. Your bisexuality is no less natural than my own. (And to be clear, I do not feel either are unnatural.)

    Of course being in a relationship with a bi man could simply mean that he wants to have one on one relationships with men without including his female partner (in this scenario, me). But I like the idea of being involved all together as a triad as opposed to me going off and having female partners on my own, and he going off and having male partners on his own. It's just preference, but in no way prejudice.

    It would simply be my "best case scenario" to be involved in a triad (more than three people and the potential pitfalls of interpersonal relationship become exponentially increased, so here, for me, less is more) where all of our individual sexual needs were met within the group, and that would involve the orientations I described.

    It's like, most people have a "type" they are particularly drawn to, say leggy blonde females, or hairy bear males. That doesn't mean the person would necessarily ONLY involve themselves with people who fell into those categories, or disqualify someone from a potential relationship because they did not meet the specific "type" parameters. But those "type" preferences are just that, preferences, and not to the exclusion of other options.

    I hope this makes sense. I didn't sleep very well, and I am not sure I am Englishing very well. (JustLovin, more later, I have to run!)

  26. #56

    Re: Being bi and being married

    Quote Originally Posted by JUSTLUVIN View Post
    If we could separate sex from relationships that would be grand. Since relationships involve so much more than sex anyway.
    This has historically been a big issue for me. The people I want to be in relationship with are not necessarily those with whom I want to have sex with. I had the hottest sex of my life with a woman who was a self-absorbed, cruel, abusive, alcoholic. There was no way to sustain an intimate relationship with her. But my god, the sex was AMAZING!

    Then, there's my DW, who I adore with all my heart, and with whom I have an otherwise strong, communicative relationship, and with whom sex has been (after the first blush of falling in love) at best tepid, and now non-existent.

    I've also found living with men makes me crazy!!! But I still really love having sex with them!

    This is where the monogamy aspect of marriage becomes a burden to me. Perhaps if I ever found that perfect someone, or someones to be more precise because of my orientation, it might be different. But I have "kissed a lot of frogs" over the years, and have yet to find the perfect combination. So imho, if I love my spouse, and my spouse loves me, and we trust one another, and are secure in ourselves, I don't see why monogamy is necessary if sexual needs are not being met in the relationship. For heaven's sake, my wife does not know how to change the oil in my car or cut my hair so I go to someone else to fill those needs. Why does it have to be different with sex? Why must sex automatically imply relationship, commitment, and possession?

    I've read some things over the years that would suggest that the human sex drive from a reproductive standpoint is biologically compelled to seek multiple sexual partners for the widest variety of genetics possible, for the strongest possible future generations. This makes sense to me scientifically. But then we have the historical overlay of patrilineal descent control, and monogamy and sole possession of sexual partners becomes societal norm.

    So now, here I am in a sexless marriage, imprisoned in many ways by a belief system that does not serve anyone involved (in my situation, it may serve others in their situations). But there it is, as ingrained in her as Realist's ex-wife's prejudices, the firm and immovable belief that monogamy is indicative of love, and lack of monogamy is indicative of lack of love. So I have spent far more years than I care to count abstinent so as not to do anything that might hurt her. But, then, what of the pain the abstinence causes me? Do I give up all the good for this one single aspect?

    I just don't know. But I am thankful for this place to talk about these issues and appreciate all of you who have engaged in discussion with me.

  27. #57

    Re: Being bi and being married

    Rose wrote: "Oh Realist, I am so sorry that you experienced such terrible prejudice against who you are."

    Some of these lessons have been hard to take..... but, as I aged, I used those events as learning exercises.

    Thanks to this site, in 2008, I met a fantastic bisexual girl and am in a semi-monogamous relationship, that's been going strong for about 6 years, now. She is totally without jealousy and had no trouble with me being in a relationship with a gay fellow, when we met. I've never been jealous, either.

    He, however, was NOT happy about my seeing her, even though he'd previously said he was OK with me being bi. A jealous tantrum got him out the door, never to return!

    Oh, I'd like to have a male lover/FWB, and she'd probably enjoy a female lover, too, but we're at a good place in our lives and can live happily as things are, now.

  28. #58

    Re: Being bi and being married

    SPOT ON Rose SPOT ON. I could have not said it any better. I personally think your views on relationships may be where we will all eventually be. IT appears the younger generation is not buying marriage in the traditional sense as they used to; it just does not make any sense. I also do not know why society has been stuck on this whole monogamy thing. Maybe the other option is just too chaotic for them. Again I do admire your love for her that you would not break your vow unless of course you came to new terms in your relationship.

    It has been so therapeutic for me to hear what you and Realist have had to say. I share in your misery believe me and empathize with what you are going through. I had one glimmer of hope with my longtime girlfriend a few years ago when she started getting into a real explorative mood and saw something on tv about a 3some with 2 guys and a woman that made her feel special and looked after and wanted me to arrange for one of my make friends to come over. He was into it but a few days before it was to happen she backtracked and fear came over her like I was going to choose him over her which was not the case.

    I see relationships the same way and don't know why but for some reason the one you choose to live your life with may not be the one you want to have sex with all the time.

    I am so glad we have this forum though to vent and hope there is some relief for you in the future.

  29. #59

    Re: Being bi and being married

    It was only after our third year of marriage was I able to accept that I am bisexual. Sometimes, there's this thought that I wish I didn't get married because I don't want to hurt my wife. But then again, I'm already married, and have to face the fact that I am attracted to both sexes.

    I've done a lot of crazy things because of this.

  30. #60

    Re: Being bi and being married

    Man, I wish I had seen this thread back when it was active!

    I didn't realize my full sexuality until I was already in a long term committed relationship with the man I'd later marry. I've never really come out per se, but I've never been secretive about my desires. My husband and I have always admitted who else we found attractive, even if it was just someone walking down the street. So he was along for the journey as I figured out who I was.

    And when we first started dating, we both knew that I had a lot of identity searching left to do. We took things slow, dated for 2 years before getting engaged (he once told me to let him know when I was ready, so essentially, I ended up proposing to him), and then we were engaged for 2 years before being married.

    There is a 12 year age difference between us, so even before we got engaged, we knew there would come a day when one of us would want to look outside our relationship for sex. We agreed on two rules: we always returned to our bed at the end of the night, and we would ask the other person for permission first.

    We've been married for 11 years, and neither one of us have taken advantage of our agreement. For me, I would've let him, but I wasn't ready until recently. But, I know he doesn't have anyone else he's interested in right now. So without him having someone, I would feel guilty with someone else.

    To add more complications into the mix, my husband is a disabled veteran. He's home alone all day and doesn't get a lot of chances to hang out with his friends more than a couple times a week. (He also doesn't drive, so it's hard for him to go visit on his own.) I work over 40 hours a week, plus volunteer, plus I'm part of a club that meets every week. He's lonely and misses me, so I'd feel bad spending any more time away from him.

    But to get even more complex... He's on a medicine that saps his libido. I'm a sex addict that has done very well keeping things in check.

    So, we've been mutually voluntarily monogamous for 15 years, but it's not going to stay that way forever. I'm conflicted. I love my husband so much, and even though it's "allowed," I'm afraid of hurting him. At the same time, to quote Firefly, "Goin' on a year now I ain't had nothin' twixt my nethers weren't run on batteries!" (Okay, it hasn't been a year, but the sentiment remains the same, it's been too long.)

    Looking back through this thread, I don't think monogamy is about control. I don't think the partners who want to be monogamous are trying to control their spouse, I think they're jealous about time spent with someone that could be spent with them, and I think there's a fear that they'll lose the person they love to someone else. I'm lucky that neither my husband and I are very jealous.

    I also agree that bisexuals have an additional challenge over monosexuals. No one person can satisfy both hemispheres of our desire, they just don't have the equipment. Neglecting half of your sexuality for the rest of your life is hard, which adds another level to a monogamous relationship.

    I also wonder what percentage of sex addicts are bisexual? From the responses here, it seems like some people are simply bi, and some aren't suited for a monogamous relationship no matter what their sexuality is, and I suspect that includes some sex addicts. Personally, I love everything to do with sex, and I'm not going to limit myself to one gender. If we want to get into the technicality of labels, I guess I'm more pansexual, because I'm not going to limit myself to 2 genders either.

 

 

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