Poly-bi?

[Devin]

I have read about the subject of being poly-bi briefly on the net some time ago. I am wondering if anyone knows more about this, where to read about it or maybe where to find literature on this.

As may be the case of many bi men, I used to have more casual sex with different men whereas I tried to have more serious long-lasting affairs with only women. For me, this has changed over time. Now I find it much more interesting to have an intimate relationship with a guy only if he also is a buddy or a even a close friend, someone I can relate to socially, do things together with, support one another and so on. For that reason, I wanted to explore the topic of being poly-bi.

[Oralboy69]

I understand wanting to be with one man, that you care about instead of multiple partners. That's how I'm increasingly becoming.

[Devin]

I understand wanting to be with one man, that you care about instead of multiple partners. That's how I'm increasingly becoming.

It is nice to have something in common with you then.

[sysper]

It is nice to have something in common with you then.

get a room lol

[tenni]

Hi Devin
I'm not sure how seriously some of the posters will treat your question/issue. I think that your issue is common for a lot of bisexual men. Being attracted to both genders and wanting to act on both attractions does not quite fit into to those who think more monosexually(gay or heterosexual) and monogamously. Posters here tend to jump to conclusions about ethics and morality issues rather than a clean slate approach.

I get from what you posted that you are interested in finding some man who can both be a sex bud and social friendship. A lot of men exploring their same sex behaviour tend to focus on the cock and that is it. They treat it without any emotional aspects. They depersonalize sex and move on to the next cock before any friendship can be explored. I agree that some men bisexual over time may want more than a series of one time hook ups. Yet, they /you? do not want a monogamous relationship with just one gender.

Are you thinking of having a relationship with a woman and a man? If you have been reading the threads for awhile you may recall the term "closed loop" relationship between same sex partner and cross gender partner. It could be you, another man and a woman. I have read that it can work but societal taboo makes it more difficult.

Some see it as a primary relationship with a third person in a more casual intimate friendship. Some refer to a more equal situation. There are a couple of posters who have experience this poly bi situation. Realist is one and he may have some advice for you.

I think that you may find more success developing intimate friendships with another man but many jump to coupledom thoughts. Another bi guy may be more willing than a gay man but you never know. I think that this idea of coupledom is deeply ingrained in western culture but possibly your Scandinavian Norwegian culture may be less rigid. They seem to be less hung up on social relationships. In North America, women resist being in a relationship with a man who also is having a friendship and sex with another man. As I wrote, they get it all mixed up with morality.

It seems to be difficult but most logical for a bisexual (imo)

[Devin]

I appreciate your response to my post, Tenni!

Yes, I would rather have a male sex bud and a social friend in one person, rather than multiple male encounters. As for today, I have partly developed such an intimate friendship with another married and bisexual man. However, I am greatly interested in reading further about the subject or learn from other people’s experiences. As for me, I am not at all jealous of his wife but I was not particularly interested in hearing about his past male sex buddies - and I have made it clear to him that I may date women but would totally avoid meeting men for sex as long as I am seeing him. We have a meaningful friendship and we work a lot to keep it that way which is not altogether easy, due to his marital status.

Ideally, I would like to have a relationship with both a man and a woman. In that case, I would focus on the woman as a love interest and partner for life, and the man as my best friend and sex bud. I have also been thinking about being serial monogamous, officially switching between men and women which, I am afraid, is not accepted anywhere in the West - in the case of men.

[pole_smoker]

I have read about the subject of being poly-bi briefly on the net some time ago. I am wondering if anyone knows more about this, where to read about it or maybe where to find literature on this.

As may be the case of many bi men, I used to have more casual sex with different men whereas I tried to have more serious long-lasting affairs with only women. For me, this has changed over time. Now I find it much more interesting to have an intimate relationship with a guy only if he also is a buddy or a even a close friend, someone I can relate to socially, do things together with, support one another and so on. For that reason, I wanted to explore the topic of being poly-bi.

Yes, I would rather have a male sex bud and a social friend in one person, rather than multiple male encounters. As for today, I have partly developed such an intimate friendship with another married and bisexual man. However, I am greatly interested in reading further about the subject or learn from other people’s experiences. As for me, I am not at all jealous of his wife but I was not particularly interested in hearing about his past male sex buddies - and I have made it clear to him that I may date women but would totally avoid meeting men for sex as long as I am seeing him. We have a meaningful friendship and we work a lot to keep it that way which is not altogether easy, due to his marital status.

Ideally, I would like to have a relationship with both a man and a woman. In that case, I would focus on the woman as a love interest and partner for life, and the man as my best friend and sex bud. I have also been thinking about being serial monogamous, officially switching between men and women which, I am afraid, is not accepted anywhere in the West - in the case of men.

What you want with a man has nothing to do with being "poly" or whatever you want to call it. You just want a regular steady fuck buddy/FWB, and that's not an actual or true relationship at all despite what people here who want to believe it is will tell you.

[cuttin2dachase]

Somehow I knew a certain self-righteous morality cop would want to chime in on this thread with his usual holier-than-thou opinion. Pay no attention to him and follow your heart.

The ideal poly-bi situation for me would be with a mf couple looking for a bi man to live with them or date both of them. Everything would be open among the 3 of us. I am not capable of being in love with men like I am with women, but I could form a very strong bond and sexual relationship with the man and a love/sexual relationship with the woman. I would however tell them that I reserved the right to meet other men occasionally and even offer to bring them home for a 4somes if they wanted LOL

[tenni]

I appreciate your response to my post, Tenni!

Yes, I would rather have a male sex bud and a social friend in one person, rather than multiple male encounters. As for today, I have partly developed such an intimate friendship with another married and bisexual man. However, I am greatly interested in reading further about the subject or learn from other people’s experiences. As for me, I am not at all jealous of his wife but I was not particularly interested in hearing about his past male sex buddies - and I have made it clear to him that I may date women but would totally avoid meeting men for sex as long as I am seeing him. We have a meaningful friendship and we work a lot to keep it that way which is not altogether easy, due to his marital status.

Ideally, I would like to have a relationship with both a man and a woman. In that case, I would focus on the woman as a love interest and partner for life, and the man as my best friend and sex bud. I have also been thinking about being serial monogamous, officially switching between men and women which, I am afraid, is not accepted anywhere in the West - in the case of men.

Hi Devon
Thanks for the clarification. I agree that I am not jealous of any guy that I get involved with in an intimate friendship being with a wife or female. I do have a bit more discomfort with a guy who is in a live in relationship with another man. I am also accepting of being in an intimate friendship with a man who is sexually active with another man but I think that may be more open to internal conflict. It would depend on how the social sexual interactions were. In some respects it can become a challenge to meet both people's needs and perhaps more so in a close loop situations. I think that it won't work for people who are possessive in any way. That is easier to write than live. I was once in a long term long distance relationships with a woman. I had to trust her and at that time I was monogamous inclined. I had to trust that when guys came up and chatted her up in front of me, that I was ok with that. No jealousy or possessiveness.

I'm not sure if I can be monogamous anymore with either gender. I don't look for it. If serial monogamy works for you formally switching from male to female in an organized fashion, you have my admiration ...lol A lot of people who are serial monogamist are as you suggest really a version of poly.

[pole_smoker]

Somehow I knew a certain self-righteous morality cop would want to chime in on this thread with his usual holier-than-thou opinion. Pay no attention to him and follow your heart.

The ideal poly-bi situation for me would be with a mf couple looking for a bi man to live with them or date both of them. Everything would be open among the 3 of us. I am not capable of being in love with men like I am with women, but I could form a very strong bond and sexual relationship with the man and a love/sexual relationship with the woman. I would however tell them that I reserved the right to meet other men occasionally and even offer to bring them home for a 4somes if they wanted LOL

LMAO!

"Polyamory" now that's a total recipe for disaster, breaking people up, not bringing them together, and some Jim Jones Peoples Temple shit with everyone cheating on each other and being driven apart, and ultimately breaking up.

Yeah rules and boundaries may be set up but eventually someone will get jealous, hurt, or break those rules.

In all my decades of seeing humans and the temporary sexual configurations they get into or are sometimes forced into by a partner, I have yet to ever see a "relationship" between multiple people actually work out or last, where someone didn't get hurt or feel left out, and where one person didn't wind up cheating or breaking the rules set up. The original poster and above poster cuttin2dachase, and perhaps tenni just wants an open relationship with a woman, and one where she lets him have his male fuck buddies on the side.

Unless you actually live with the man as a partner and have an actual romantic relationship or partnership with him, it's just slutting around with a fuck buddy/male side piece, and whoever else you wind up having sex with. What's called "polyamory" is just simply a buzzword/catch phrase for nothing more but an open relationship or open marriage.

Bisexual men who claim they can't fall in love with the same gender; but only do with the opposite gender are homophobic/biphobic, have self loathing about their sexuality, and don't want to embrace being bisexual fully.

[Devin]

Somehow I knew a certain self-righteous morality cop would want to chime in on this thread with his usual holier-than-thou opinion. Pay no attention to him and follow your heart.

The ideal poly-bi situation for me would be with a mf couple looking for a bi man to live with them or date both of them. Everything would be open among the 3 of us. I am not capable of being in love with men like I am with women, but I could form a very strong bond and sexual relationship with the man and a love/sexual relationship with the woman. I would however tell them that I reserved the right to meet other men occasionally and even offer to bring them home for a 4somes if they wanted LOL

Thank you very much, Cuttin2dachase!

Then, my question never was what (true) love is. Rather, I wanted to discuss how to maintain deeper relationships with members of both sexes. Possibly at the same time. May your wish come true!

[pole_smoker]

I appreciate your response to my post, Tenni!

Yes, I would rather have a male sex bud and a social friend in one person, rather than multiple male encounters. As for today, I have partly developed such an intimate friendship with another married and bisexual man. However, I am greatly interested in reading further about the subject or learn from other people’s experiences. As for me, I am not at all jealous of his wife but I was not particularly interested in hearing about his past male sex buddies - and I have made it clear to him that I may date women but would totally avoid meeting men for sex as long as I am seeing him. We have a meaningful friendship and we work a lot to keep it that way which is not altogether easy, due to his marital status.

Ideally, I would like to have a relationship with both a man and a woman. In that case, I would focus on the woman as a love interest and partner for life, and the man as my best friend and sex bud. I have also been thinking about being serial monogamous, officially switching between men and women which, I am afraid, is not accepted anywhere in the West - in the case of men.

You're in a toxic "relationship" with that guy. Unless you've actually met his wife, talked to her directly, and she knows you're having sex together he's cheating on her with you, and whatever other men and women have the unfortunate experience of having sex with him.

What's next after being used by some married guy as a side piece/boytoy? Are you going to become kept by him as a sugar daddy?

It's best to avoid closeted gay and bi married men. They take horrible risks sexually, usually are cheating on their wives, and you're just going to be their sexual and emotional tampon.

Since you want a relationship with a woman focus on finding a woman to be with, and be monogamous with her since ultimately this will be more satisfying for you than having a relationship with a woman and having single or married male fuck buddies on the side.

[pole_smoker]

Thank you very much, Cuttin2dachase!

Then, my question never was what (true) love is. Rather, I wanted to discuss how to maintain deeper relationships with members of both sexes. Possibly at the same time. May your wish come true!

OK, but you're not actually talking about a real deep or true relationship with a man. You want an actual deep or true romantic relationship with a woman, and you just want a male fuck buddy or dude on the side to occasionally get boned by, suck off, or eat his ass, or do whatever you do for sex when you're with a man.

If that's the case and what you want just go out and pick up men and have sex with them, and then later if you want to you can settle down with a woman and be monogamous with her since the majority of women, and even men including bi and gay men don't want to be in an open relationship or open marriage.

[Devin]

Hi Devon
Thanks for the clarification. I agree that I am not jealous of any guy that I get involved with in an intimate friendship being with a wife or female. I do have a bit more discomfort with a guy who is in a live in relationship with another man. I am also accepting of being in an intimate friendship with a man who is sexually active with another man but I think that may be more open to internal conflict. It would depend on how the social sexual interactions were. In some respects it can become a challenge to meet both people's needs and perhaps more so in a close loop situations. I think that it won't work for people who are possessive in any way. That is easier to write than live. I was once in a long term long distance relationships with a woman. I had to trust her and at that time I was monogamous inclined. I had to trust that when guys came up and chatted her up in front of me, that I was ok with that. No jealousy or possessiveness.

I'm not sure if I can be monogamous anymore with either gender. I don't look for it. If serial monogamy works for you formally switching from male to female in an organized fashion, you have my admiration ...lol A lot of people who are serial monogamist are as you suggest really a version of poly.

Tenni, it is very helpful for me to read your story!

Monogamy for me is a challenge as well. It has only worked for me once, then with a woman, and before I had any sexual experience with another man as a grown up.

[Devin]

LMAO!

"Polyamory" now that's a total recipe for disaster, breaking people up, not bringing them together, and some Jim Jones Peoples Temple shit with everyone cheating on each other and being driven apart, and ultimately breaking up.

Yeah rules and boundaries may be set up but eventually someone will get jealous, hurt, or break those rules.

In all my decades of seeing humans and the temporary sexual configurations they get into or are sometimes forced into by a partner, I have yet to ever see a "relationship" between multiple people actually work out or last, where someone didn't get hurt or feel left out, and where one person didn't wind up cheating or breaking the rules set up. The original poster and above poster cuttin2dachase, and perhaps tenni just wants an open relationship with a woman, and one where she lets him have his male fuck buddies on the side.

Unless you actually live with the man as a partner and have an actual romantic relationship or partnership with him, it's just slutting around with a fuck buddy/male side piece, and whoever else you wind up having sex with. What's called "polyamory" is just simply a buzzword/catch phrase for nothing more but an open relationship or open marriage.

Bisexual men who claim they can't fall in love with the same gender; but only do with the opposite gender are homophobic/biphobic, have self loathing about their sexuality, and don't want to embrace being bisexual fully.

Hi there,

I agree with you on your last sentence, I guess! However, if bi men are capable of loving both genders, then why not polyamory?

Furthermore, I appreciate your viewpoint. Of course, I have occasionally had similar thoughts as you have and maybe even similar experiences with couples before as you describe. On the other hand, I am not sure I totally agree on you that two guys have to live together (instead of with a woman?) to fully love and respect one another.

[Devin]

You're in a toxic "relationship" with that guy. Unless you've actually met his wife, talked to her directly, and she knows you're having sex together he's cheating on her with you, and whatever other men and women have the unfortunate experience of having sex with him.

What's next after being used by some married guy as a side piece/boytoy? Are you going to become kept by him as a sugar daddy?

It's best to avoid closeted gay and bi married men. They take horrible risks sexually, usually are cheating on their wives, and you're just going to be their sexual and emotional tampon.

Since you want a relationship with a woman focus on finding a woman to be with, and be monogamous with her since ultimately this will be more satisfying for you than having a relationship with a woman and having single or married male fuck buddies on the side.

Thank you, both for your advice and your concern!

[Devin]

OK, but you're not actually talking about a real deep or true relationship with a man. You want an actual deep or true romantic relationship with a woman, and you just want a male fuck buddy or dude on the side to occasionally get boned by, suck off, or eat his ass, or do whatever you do for sex when you're with a man.

If that's the case and what you want just go out and pick up men and have sex with them, and then later if you want to you can settle down with a woman and be monogamous with her since the majority of women, and even men including bi and gay men don't want to be in an open relationship or open marriage.

That may be true.

[pole_smoker]

Hi there,

I agree with you on your last sentence, I guess! However, if bi men are capable of loving both genders, then why not polyamory?

Furthermore, I appreciate your viewpoint. Of course, I have occasionally had similar thoughts as you have and maybe even similar experiences with couples before as you describe. On the other hand, I am not sure I totally agree on you that two guys have to live together (instead of with a woman?) to fully love and respect one another.

Unless you actually live with a man, or eventually wind up living with him it's not an actual relationship that's based on romance and love, and things that have nothing to do with sex, or aren't based on sex between the two of you.


Instead it's just two fuck buddies who get together every so often to have sex. That's not an actual relationship, partnership, or based on anything except sex.

[Realist]

Devin wrote: "I think that it won't work for people who are possessive in any way."

In my 20s, I was lucky enough to be involved in 3 poly live-in relationships. The first failed, for exactly the reason you stated above. Jealousy!

The first time I heard of a poly relationship, was when a friend invited into his marriage. In my early 20s and eager to be involved, we developed an agreement that was only being minimally thought out, Basically, we jumped in with both feet, without thinking of anything but sex!

Strangely, even though the whole idea was his, the husband was the first to become jealous. His wife and I were both on board and had settled into what we thought was mutually rewarding arrangement. Even though the husband I were intimate about 80% of the time, he could not stand to see his wife sharing herself with me.

In the beginning, he kept telling his wife and me that he wanted to see us involved and having a fun, too. But then, the husband decided he could not stand seeing his wife and my interaction. So, within a couple of months, the arrangement failed.

The 2nd attempt turned out much better; I actually found that I came to loved both parties and they demonstrated the my same feelings. Really, the 2nd attempt was idyllic!

However, since we were all in the military and subject to transfers. We lasted longer than there was hope for........but, after about 13 months the inevitable happened. The couple was sent to the other side of the country.

My 3rd and final poly adventure was different, in that I joined a female couple....they were lovers before we met. Although that, too, was a rewarding and scintillating learning experience, I came to realize that it would be difficult for one man to keep two virile women emotionally and physically satisfied. We were together for a little over 2 years, but if the two of them hadn't been lovers through it all, I would have never made the grade!

Devin, each of us are different and there are many specific goals that have to be met, before any attempt at these types of relationships can survive. If you settle for a situation that does not fit your needs and your partners, and there are no definite rules set beforehand, I doubt if your endeavor will be successful. You appear to be thoughtful and intelligent, so I suspect your chances of entering into a mutually rewarding relationship is possible.

I assure you, when a poly relationship works, it can be a sublime and rewarding endeavor!

Best of luck to you!

[tenni]

I don't think that monogamous people have the right to define what constitutes a relationship true, real deep relationships. There are many forms of relationships.

Relationship
"the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected."
"the way in which two or more people or organizations regard and behave toward each other."

In a free, equality based society, heterosexuals do not have the right to define marriage. Relationships should be defined by those in the relationship.

Possessiveness is a negative force in most relationships.

[pole_smoker]

I don't think that monogamous people have the right to define what constitutes a relationship true, real deep relationships. There are many forms of relationships.

Relationship
"the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected."
"the way in which two or more people or organizations regard and behave toward each other."

In a free, equality based society, heterosexuals do not have the right to define marriage. Relationships should be defined by those in the relationship.

Possessiveness is a negative force in most relationships.

Tenni, who cares what you think? You're a troll, hate people who choose or decide to be monogamous, hate women-especially hetero women, and you are pretty homophobic and don't like gay men or lesbian women either. Plus, you're the last person who should be writing about relationships or what is a true or real and deep relationship since you have a slew of male fuck buddies, and have never actually had an actual male partner who you lived with, and the women who had the unfortunate experience of being in a "relationship" with you told you to get help for your issues with how you hate women, and ran away.

"Relationships" between multiple people don't work out, and aren't really healthy relationships to get into.

[Visexual]

I’ve been married for 43 years now.We no longer include sex in our relationship but we sure did until about three years ago.

Now ‘poly’ refers to more than just two in a romantic relationship but I think that including others, who are friends, in the sexual relationship sort of fits too.

I don’t think my marriage would have lasted if my wife hadn’t joined me in sexual adventures, with others involved, over the years.

I’m a loyal friend and lover but I just couldn’t ever be monogamous.

My current lover is also long-time married but he’s also not the monogamous type.We’ve been together for, going on, two years now and we do care deeply for each other.And, it’s not just sex either, we enjoy each other’s company and even enjoy having our wives with us, socially, at times.

I always enjoyed seeing my wife with other men and I also enjoy seeing my boyfriend with other men.It’s just my thing.

I’m not totally sure that he enjoys seeing me with others but I’ll find out when we go to Camp David together soon.And he knows that he and I will share his brother soon too.If I detect any jealousy or other issues with either scenario, I’ll settle for just watching him and others.I remember how my wife was that way and wish I’d been as observant back then and settled for just watching her.

[Devin]

Devin wrote: "I think that it won't work for people who are possessive in any way."

In my 20s, I was lucky enough to be involved in 3 poly live-in relationships. The first failed, for exactly the reason you stated above. Jealousy!

The first time I heard of a poly relationship, was when a friend invited into his marriage. In my early 20s and eager to be involved, we developed an agreement that was only being minimally thought out, Basically, we jumped in with both feet, without thinking of anything but sex!

Strangely, even though the whole idea was his, the husband was the first to become jealous. His wife and I were both on board and had settled into what we thought was mutually rewarding arrangement. Even though the husband I were intimate about 80% of the time, he could not stand to see his wife sharing herself with me.

In the beginning, he kept telling his wife and me that he wanted to see us involved and having a fun, too. But then, the husband decided he could not stand seeing his wife and my interaction. So, within a couple of months, the arrangement failed.

The 2nd attempt turned out much better; I actually found that I came to loved both parties and they demonstrated the my same feelings. Really, the 2nd attempt was idyllic!

However, since we were all in the military and subject to transfers. We lasted longer than there was hope for........but, after about 13 months the inevitable happened. The couple was sent to the other side of the country.

My 3rd and final poly adventure was different, in that I joined a female couple....they were lovers before we met. Although that, too, was a rewarding and scintillating learning experience, I came to realize that it would be difficult for one man to keep two virile women emotionally and physically satisfied. We were together for a little over 2 years, but if the two of them hadn't been lovers through it all, I would have never made the grade!

Devin, each of us are different and there are many specific goals that have to be met, before any attempt at these types of relationships can survive. If you settle for a situation that does not fit your needs and your partners, and there are no definite rules set beforehand, I doubt if your endeavor will be successful. You appear to be thoughtful and intelligent, so I suspect your chances of entering into a mutually rewarding relationship is possible.

I assure you, when a poly relationship works, it can be a sublime and rewarding endeavor!

Best of luck to you!

Thank you, Realist, for sharing your story and your thoughts! It meant a lot to hear from you.

Warm wishes...

[Devin]

I’ve been married for 43 years now.We no longer include sex in our relationship but we sure did until about three years ago.

Now ‘poly’ refers to more than just two in a romantic relationship but I think that including others, who are friends, in the sexual relationship sort of fits too.

I don’t think my marriage would have lasted if my wife hadn’t joined me in sexual adventures, with others involved, over the years.

I’m a loyal friend and lover but I just couldn’t ever be monogamous.

My current lover is also long-time married but he’s also not the monogamous type.We’ve been together for, going on, two years now and we do care deeply for each other.And, it’s not just sex either, we enjoy each other’s company and even enjoy having our wives with us, socially, at times.

I always enjoyed seeing my wife with other men and I also enjoy seeing my boyfriend with other men.It’s just my thing.

I’m not totally sure that he enjoys seeing me with others but I’ll find out when we go to Camp David together soon.And he knows that he and I will share his brother soon too.If I detect any jealousy or other issues with either scenario, I’ll settle for just watching him and others.I remember how my wife was that way and wish I’d been as observant back then and settled for just watching her.

Thank you for somehow claring things out as well!

Best wishes

[pole_smoker]

I’ve been married for 43 years now.We no longer include sex in our relationship but we sure did until about three years ago.

Now ‘poly’ refers to more than just two in a romantic relationship but I think that including others, who are friends, in the sexual relationship sort of fits too.

I don’t think my marriage would have lasted if my wife hadn’t joined me in sexual adventures, with others involved, over the years.

I’m a loyal friend and lover but I just couldn’t ever be monogamous.

My current lover is also long-time married but he’s also not the monogamous type.We’ve been together for, going on, two years now and we do care deeply for each other.And, it’s not just sex either, we enjoy each other’s company and even enjoy having our wives with us, socially, at times.

I always enjoyed seeing my wife with other men and I also enjoy seeing my boyfriend with other men.It’s just my thing.

I’m not totally sure that he enjoys seeing me with others but I’ll find out when we go to Camp David together soon.And he knows that he and I will share his brother soon too.If I detect any jealousy or other issues with either scenario, I’ll settle for just watching him and others.I remember how my wife was that way and wish I’d been as observant back then and settled for just watching her.

What's the point of two married men becoming nothing but each other's booty calls/side pieces while the one guy is in a completely sexless marriage of convenience to his "wife"?

Having a fuck buddy, booty call, or side piece in your case is NOT an actual "relationship" or anything close to romance or a partnership even if you want to pretend it is.