Help and advice please I'm confused

Hi there. I am brand new here and am looking to make friends and get some advice. I'm a bi wife of a straight hubby. I discovered this about 3 months ago and i've spent a lot of time trying to work it all out in my mind. We've got two sons, too, of 13 and 11.

This has been a really hard road, I'll be honest. I'm committed to my hubby and love him so cheating is not going to be an option. I told him about the bisexuality and he thinks its sexy and is trying to help me come to acceptance of it.

Well long story short I've lost a lot of friends as Ive withdrawn from the wider community to focus on this and other issues in my life. There's very few people I can tell about this, although I have told and received support from some gay friends.

I've suffered from depression my whole life, and I think understanding the bisexuality and coming to tems with it will be very helpful in sorting that out. Any advice will be so appreciated.

Gutsy,

Welcome to the site.

There's some great bisexual ladies here, who I'm sure can lend you a hand with your concerns.

There is also a retired professional counselor, who may provide some assistance.

Discussing these issues with those who care can be a great help.

Be advised you may hear from a few who are careless about tender feelings, so take what you need, while ignoring those who respond for their own agenda.

Peace.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Gutsy

Hi there. I am brand new here and am looking to make friends and get some advice. I'm a bi wife of a straight hubby. I discovered this about 3 months ago and i've spent a lot of time trying to work it all out in my mind. We've got two sons, too, of 13 and 11.

This has been a really hard road, I'll be honest. I'm committed to my hubby and love him so cheating is not going to be an option. I told him about the bisexuality and he thinks its sexy and is trying to help me come to acceptance of it.

Well long story short I've lost a lot of friends as Ive withdrawn from the wider community to focus on this and other issues in my life. There's very few people I can tell about this, although I have told and received support from some gay friends.

I've suffered from depression my whole life, and I think understanding the bisexuality and coming to tems with it will be very helpful in sorting that out. Any advice will be so appreciated.

---

Hi Gutsy and welcome to the site. You'll find a lot of considerate people here who can and will help in any way they know how.

First of all I have to say that you're very fortunate in having a husband who understands and accepts it.

Losing 'friends' over it is a matter I can relate to as there's just some people that don't get it and chances are won't ever; it's their issue, not yours. You'll find that your actual friends will accept you regardless. When I decided years ago to come out to my closest friends, I had fears mostly with the male friends worried that they might distance themselves from me thinking I might make a move on them. This turned out not to be the case at all. All of them without exception accepted me wholeheartedly stating that our friendship was too valuable. I of course made it clear that I had no interest whatsoever in them sexually which for me has always been the case. And of course the male friends I am sexual with no explanation is necessary.

There are other good friends that I have yet to tell either out of fear or realizing some wouldn't understand. It's not like keeping a secret because I've made peace with the idea that if they ever did find out I would still be okay with it; I'm just not going to volunteer the information. For those of them who might reject me, it's again not my problem; it's theirs.

Coming to terms and accepting who you are sexually and otherwise is one of the great discoveries in life as far as I'm concerned. It means you no longer have to live in torment over a very natural desire that is unique to you and makes you who you are. No one has a right to dictate to anyone how or who they should be when it comes to our sexuality which has so much to do with who we are as human beings and how we live our lives. And as you come to your own personal acceptance of it you will find a lot of people willing to nurture you along the way. The more this happens the more comfortable you will feel about it all; and it will.

Coming here is a great move and you will see that others have the same feelings, thoughts, ideas, desires just as you do....and you'll also see how others are different too under the banner of bisexuality. I wish you the very best and hang in there....

"There is also a retired professional counselor, who may provide some assistance. "

Uh...Realist...be careful about making such statements. There are people here who may have professional credentials as certified counsellors but are aware that real certifying Boards would frown on such on going behaviour as offering advice professionally. There is a difference between being retired and being decertified.

Regardless of who you love, or how many mistakes you have made you are as worthy of love and respect as any other part of creation.

Nothing is a "miracle cure", it requires hard work to face this world and still believe that you are strong, resourceful, intelligent, beautiful (something does not need to be "perfect" in order to have beauty) and compassionate but it is true.

I used to feel guilty over loving other men, mostly because I was worried about what "society" would think. I've come to realize that what I do in the bedroom is my own private business. Also realized that I can be attracted to and love people regardless of what is between their legs. I've felt that way from such a young age that acknowledging that behavior is MORE healthy for me than denying it.. I may still have to lie to others while I'm "in the closet" but I've learned that I could never be happy lying to myself as well.

I'm glad your husband is supportive, hopefully he will be a patient, loving partner and not try to pressure you into doing something until if/when you are ready.

This book helped me to change my perspective enough to break out of a cycle of self-loathing..

http://amzn.com/157062903X

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Gutsy

Hi there. I am brand new here and am looking to make friends and get some advice. I'm a bi wife of a straight hubby. I discovered this about 3 months ago and i've spent a lot of time trying to work it all out in my mind. We've got two sons, too, of 13 and 11.

This has been a really hard road, I'll be honest. I'm committed to my hubby and love him so cheating is not going to be an option. I told him about the bisexuality and he thinks its sexy and is trying to help me come to acceptance of it.

Well long story short I've lost a lot of friends as Ive withdrawn from the wider community to focus on this and other issues in my life. There's very few people I can tell about this, although I have told and received support from some gay friends.

I've suffered from depression my whole life, and I think understanding the bisexuality and coming to tems with it will be very helpful in sorting that out. Any advice will be so appreciated.

---

my first question is a personal one, so you can reply here or pm me if you want

the depression, it sounds like it may be one of the long term forms of depression such as bi polar or dystimia.....if you want to share what form of depression you are dealing with, it can make it easier to talk with you, as we have some members, like myself that deal with long term depressive aspects so we would have a good understanding of the issues you are dealing with....

you are correct in saying that understanding the bisexuality, can help with the depression as they can often be two separate aspects of a person that do influence each other...... depression and bisexuality can be the best of friends and the worst of enemies in a person and once you are able to work out what is a normal reaction to something and what is a depressive reaction, it becomes easier to flow with them both.....

one thing that can be a issue for some people with a depressive nature, is that the bisexual urges and desires, can be stronger when a person is in a low mood stage, but ease off or disappear when they are in a * normal * mood stage..... something that bi polar / clinical depression natured people can notice in their lives..... the thing is that depression is different in each person so it will affect each person differently so you have to work out how depression and bisexuality affects your normal living......

the support and understanding of your husband is a key aspect of things for you, as it needs to be a understanding of the depression and the bisexuality, and a shit load of patience... but it sounds like your husband is one of those guys that is very supportive, caring and understanding any way...

rather than say much more, I will wait until you share what sort of depression you are dealing with, as it makes it a lot easier to talk with you about the things you can do to make life a lil more flowing and balanced within yourself

First, I think you should be congratulated for discovering this about yourself and feeling comfortable enough to tell your husband. That in itself speaks very positively about where you are in your relationship with him.

Second, while there are a number of things to work through related to this discovery, I think it's important to remember that you can work through this AT YOUR OWN PACE. There's no need to tell people who don't really need to know and there's no need to take any action that you're not comfortable taking.

So, one day at a time, answer the questions that come up for you, see how you feel about all of this, and decide where you want to go.

Hope you have a wonderful new year!

Jim

Hi guys, wow thank you for all the replies. This looks like I've come to the right place and that there are many potential friends on here. Realist, thanks for the heads up about those here for their own agenda - been a member of a number of forums on and offline and I know pretty well how to recognise and ignore people like that now. Also will be interesting to hear the retired counsellor's perspective although I do have my own counsellor - who I consulted for depression, and whose treatment has led me to this discovery - who I opened up to last week. I think.. I'm here to talk to people who understand? While its this confusing for me I probably won't answer too many of other people's posts but certainly hope to be able to help others too in the not too distant future.

EroSurge - thus far I've been very picky over who I tell and it's only been gay guys, and one close girl friend -and all have been incredibly supportive. I've lost other friends over other reasons though whilst I've been trying to deal with this and maybe a bit emotionally unavailable, and that's been very hard. But, so be it, clearly they weren't real friends to start with. There are some friends who I can't see myself ever telling, and certainly not my parents. I had one lesbian friend some years back, she committed suicide.. she was an amazing person and I miss her desperately right now.

Elian, you've given me some great words and food for thought: "but I've learned that I could never be happy lying to myself as well. I'm glad your husband is supportive, hopefully he will be a patient, loving partner and not try to pressure you into doing something until if/when you are ready." I think that's about it. Lying to yourself, you deny yourself that freedom of BEING yourself, achieving the things you're meant to achieve, and having that relationship with your partner - because who can have a relationship with a partner with a secret like that between you? it's opening up a lot of things for us, but at the same time is a frightening and scary thing.

Long Duck Dong.. thank you for asking that question and I'm very happy to speak about it.

My depression is long term and has been described as being 'on the threshold of bipolar'. I have battled with it since high school and have never REALLY tried to treat it effectively until about 18 months ago. Until then, I've battled alone with bouts of it nearly annually, from a major depression in high school - I didn't knwo what it was then - post partum depression, depression when I was told my son would never walk but should be put in a home (which didn't turn out to be true thank god) .. etc. Alternating with periods of high activity, high energy, ideas, racing thoughts. All of which leads to burnout ... you learn to manage the feelings, even the up times have to be managed as they are draining so learning to slow your thoughts down is as important as learning to buck yourself up. It's very interesting what you say about the bisexuality being stronger during low periods. That is something I'm going to have to see about.. and see how it affects me?

feel free to ask more, and I will share more as I think about it. The more that I can educte and provide info to others who may perhaps not post but simply read, the better.

Jim, you're right. I think I'm nearly at the limit of who I'm going to tell - just trying to surround myself with people who might understand - and all of them have risen to the occasion and i think this is going to be a positive experience - where there are some people if I tell it certainly won't be positive and what's the point of that?

Again.. thank you all so much for sharing, I'm looking forward to relationship building on here so much.

thanks for sharing, gutsy....

I am a retired counsellor / therapist from New zealand, and I was diagnosed with dystimia at the age of 37....

so how does depression tie in with sexuality ??? lol ok sexuality is a attraction to people, but sexual desire can be a chemical / hormonal trigger in the brain and that is where the link between depression and bisexuality can start to emerge in some people

there are two types of bisexual people that deal with depression

the depressive natured bisexual : they are the people that find that their sexual expression and interaction sexually with people, has a pattern that is consistent with their depressive phases.....
their attitudes, feelings and thoughts about sex and sexuality change with the depressive phases and with careful monitoring over a few months, the ebb and flow pattern with sexuality shows a pattern that matches the phases with the person.....

a bisexual with depression : they are the people that are bisexual and their depression is independent of their sexuality, they have the sexual urges and desires regardless of their state of mind...and there is no clear pattern that emerges with their sexuality and depressive phases, but there is one that emerges with their thoughts, feelings and emotions with the depressive stages......


a quick way of working out what type you may be, is to ask yourself, are your desires for intimate contact with both people, stronger when you are in a downward phase or is there no difference in your desires when you are upbeat or down low......

it is not a test to see if you are bisexual or not, but a way for a person to learn more about themselves so that they can better understand their sexuality and their depression and how it affects them as people.....

the reason for learning more about how your depression and sexuality work together is to create a working situation in you, where you are able to retain the stable and balanced phase that makes life easier for you.... as juggling housework, children, a husband and depression is hard enuf without having to juggle sexual desires as well.......

a couple of questions that may help you understand your depression and sexuality better, are the following

do you feel naturally aroused by the idea of sex and do you feel at times that its a * artificial * feeling of arousal, like your body responds but your hearts not in it....??

do you experience a short term, sharp downward phase after orgasm or sexual release and is that every time or only when you are in a depressive phase...

do you have the feelings equally towards each gender or just one ?

does the idea of being with a person of the same gender, arouse you, but the reality of being with another person other than your partner / idea of having more than one partner, leave you felling down ?

what you are looking for, is your own pattern to your feelings and desires and if there is a link between the depression and your sexuality, so that way, you can create * buffers * in yourself so you can enjoy your sexuality and sexual expression without dealing with depressive phases, so much

I experienced many of the things you describe, including the depression of long standing. It would ebb and flow with the days and nights. But it was never far away, for many years.

Antidepressants helped, but I couldn't shake the depression completely.

Late in life, after years of emotional turmoil- and guilt I came to terms with my bisexualtiy. My wife was supportive, mostly (She is bi).

Getting everything off my chest was a great relief. My depression is a distant memory. Sure, I still have a blue day now and again, but not the disabling withdrawal and lack of interest in life, the hopelessness and lethargy are gone.

I've learned to take one day at a time. I try not to worry about the stuff that I can't control (easier said than done...but persistence helps).

The bottom line, for me, was being true to myself, accepting of myself, and the hell what others think. That doesn't mean that I advertise anything, it's more that I just really don't care what others think. I don't need the approvals of mere acquaintances, nor do I need to conifide my personal beliefs and proclivities to them. Friends and family accept you for who you are.

The point, your depression may fly away once you are comfortable with yourself. That isn't to suggest that my situation is identical to yours. I simply wanted to add to the great thoughts in this thread, with a real life example. As always, you mileage may vary!

Good luck on your journey!

Thank you for that bobble. I certainly think you might be right. I already care less what others think. The hell with it - I've got a lot to sort out, this is me and who cares what they think! I used to put a lot of stock in it. Now it's like well it's their problem if tthey have a problem with me!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Long Duck Dong

thanks for sharing, gutsy....

I am a retired counsellor / therapist from New zealand, and I was diagnosed with dystimia at the age of 37....

so how does depression tie in with sexuality ??? lol ok sexuality is a attraction to people, but sexual desire can be a chemical / hormonal trigger in the brain and that is where the link between depression and bisexuality can start to emerge in some people

there are two types of bisexual people that deal with depression

the depressive natured bisexual : they are the people that find that their sexual expression and interaction sexually with people, has a pattern that is consistent with their depressive phases.....
their attitudes, feelings and thoughts about sex and sexuality change with the depressive phases and with careful monitoring over a few months, the ebb and flow pattern with sexuality shows a pattern that matches the phases with the person.....

a bisexual with depression : they are the people that are bisexual and their depression is independent of their sexuality, they have the sexual urges and desires regardless of their state of mind...and there is no clear pattern that emerges with their sexuality and depressive phases, but there is one that emerges with their thoughts, feelings and emotions with the depressive stages......


a quick way of working out what type you may be, is to ask yourself, are your desires for intimate contact with both people, stronger when you are in a downward phase or is there no difference in your desires when you are upbeat or down low......

it is not a test to see if you are bisexual or not, but a way for a person to learn more about themselves so that they can better understand their sexuality and their depression and how it affects them as people.....

the reason for learning more about how your depression and sexuality work together is to create a working situation in you, where you are able to retain the stable and balanced phase that makes life easier for you.... as juggling housework, children, a husband and depression is hard enuf without having to juggle sexual desires as well.......

a couple of questions that may help you understand your depression and sexuality better, are the following

do you feel naturally aroused by the idea of sex and do you feel at times that its a * artificial * feeling of arousal, like your body responds but your hearts not in it....??

do you experience a short term, sharp downward phase after orgasm or sexual release and is that every time or only when you are in a depressive phase...

do you have the feelings equally towards each gender or just one ?

does the idea of being with a person of the same gender, arouse you, but the reality of being with another person other than your partner / idea of having more than one partner, leave you felling down ?

what you are looking for, is your own pattern to your feelings and desires and if there is a link between the depression and your sexuality, so that way, you can create * buffers * in yourself so you can enjoy your sexuality and sexual expression without dealing with depressive phases, so much

---

Very interesting insight, LDD! Thanx. Going to reread and ponder.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Gutsy

Hi there. I am brand new here and am looking to make friends and get some advice. I'm a bi wife of a straight hubby. I discovered this about 3 months ago and i've spent a lot of time trying to work it all out in my mind. We've got two sons, too, of 13 and 11.

This has been a really hard road, I'll be honest. I'm committed to my hubby and love him so cheating is not going to be an option. I told him about the bisexuality and he thinks its sexy and is trying to help me come to acceptance of it.

Well long story short I've lost a lot of friends as Ive withdrawn from the wider community to focus on this and other issues in my life. There's very few people I can tell about this, although I have told and received support from some gay friends.

I've suffered from depression my whole life, and I think understanding the bisexuality and coming to tems with it will be very helpful in sorting that out. Any advice will be so appreciated.

---

fuck you, you're not new, and this is just some more bullshit. Done fucking deal.

Welcome Sweetie, and like Real says: "Take the advice ya need, leave the rest" :}
Cat
Everybody's Feline

feel your pain. I am a middle age guy who is a mans man. I have been curious for over 8 years, and talked with wife about it, but nothing happened, but the urge still was there. So i wrestled with being a dad and a guy and loving my wife. I finally had my first bisexual experiance with a guy and wow. Few weeks later had sex with my wife and it was even hotter than been in long time. Then I relized that it is just sex. Safe clean, and hot sex. I love my wife, I am still a good father and I love sex more now than ever.

Thanks Cherokee and Centillini. Centillini.. well done on your honesty to your wife. It's not an easy thing to go to your committed partner and say "I'm bisexual" is it? But I think bravery and honesty are what's gonna see us all through.