MY wish, my need, my want...

I was sitting here reading some manga (japanese comic books). As i sat there and read, remembered something. Something i feel every morning. SOmething i feel every night. A simple thing for most people. A simple desire that most people understand. But for me right now it consumes my soul. I don't live a moment where i dont need it. Where i don't want it.

I just want to be held.For someone to hold me and tell me it will be ok. Where for once i wont half to be strong. Where I don't need to pretend. Where everything will be forgotten jsut for that moment. I just want to be able to say I'm not alone.....

I live at home with my family,but i feel more alone here than anywhere else. Its weird and mostly my fault or so im told. I dont get along with my brother or my family and they drive me insane. I've bitched and moaned about them before so im not really going to go into it. Just sometimes i wish there was somewhere to go where i'd find someone waiting for me. Someone who doesn't expect anything from me....

just someone who is mine....

[QUOTE=. Just sometimes i wish there was somewhere to go where i'd find someone waiting for me. Someone who doesn't expect anything from me....just someone who is mine....[/QUOTE]


This is absolutely beautiful and so true. Its my thinking as well. Thought I had this recently, but I guess I wasnt what he was seeking after all.
I keep hearing that there is someone out there for all of us...Hope yopu find yours and I find mine as well..:}
Hugs Hon
Cat

I hope you both find what you are looking for. I found what I was looking for when I wasn't looking, so it can happen. Just relax and be yourselves and it will happen. You are both great people. So hugs and hunts up a couple four leaf clovers.

I know what you mean Emotional Masochist, I feel the same way all the time. I'm not going to tell you something like "It Gets Better", it often doesn't. What gets better is our coping mechanisms. Forge on though, you are not alone. The struggle continues....

“You are afraid of it because it is stronger than you; you hate it because you are afraid of it; you love it because you cannot subdue it to your will. Only the unsubduable can be loved.”
― Yevgeny Zamyatin, We

hugs ya, dude, and tells you that the special person you want in your life, is looking for you too.... and they feel the same way... but there is not just one special person, there is many of them... and they are special in different ways, the same as what you are....

each day you cross paths with them and they, with you.... and you do things like smile and say thank you.... and to them, its like you handed them a single red rose and give them a kiss on the cheek, and they believe for another day, in that special person that will just hug them, hold them and tell them they love them, cos they are special.....

everyday, that you smile and say thank you... you prove how special you are..... and how valuable you are to that person that is searching for you too.......

as a shaman once said to me, each season is separate, yet they each bring their own blessing to the land and the people... and some will love the summer with the sun, some will enjoy the winter with the snow.... but in their own way, people love each day of the seasons as each day reminds the person just how special their season is to them, and how they embrace the season and long for its return...... so even the seasons that we do not place much value in, are special to us in their own way

Wow LDD sometimes i wonder where all your wisdom comes form and DD you are quite lucky to have found him.

I think ive been a little selfish. Externally i have been looking for that special someone, but internally im not sure im ready to let that happen. Its sounds stupid, but i am in a complex moment in my life. At this moment i don't have the time for anyone or anything beyond what i already have. Right now I can't offer anything, but i want the benefits. It feels wrong.

I don't really understand myself anymore. Honestly its weird with who i am, I can't really trust anyone right now. I honestly excpect people to leave. More than that though is the fact that i am not myself. I am agitated, angry and explosive. I feel unstable, like i can fall apart at any moment. its ridiculous. when i was younger, this was just a moment where i needed to let myself breakdown, but i can't find a reason to do so. I am absolutely lonely, and honestly its kind of like i wish i could find someone to rescue me from this torment.

I just don't know anymore.I just want a safe haven. Even if its only temporary. I want someone who will be that ahven. A wall that i can gtake shelter behind fro a while. Is it wrong that for once i want someone to lend an ear and hold me. I want the support i often give others...

no such luck yet.

There is only one person that you will ever encounter who expects nothing of you; just happens to be the same person you need to accept.

Wow I used to feel just that way quite a lot. I was an only child but and staying at home with my folks until I could save up enough for a down payment on a mortgage. Just didn't feel like I fit in anywhere, other people seemed to connect to each other so easily but early in my life people seemed to take what they wanted without regard for my feelings - being so young it tended to make me feel powerless. Part of my attraction to men at that time was simply wanting a stable, loving male presence in my life that would acknowledge that I had worth, instead of just leaving or taking their frustrations out on me.

I was jealous of the way other people seemed to so easily find relationships, where I had learned instead not to trust anyone but myself.,none of the people I looked up to in my life said nice things about boys who liked other boys, but yet some of those boys still approached me with their dicks hanging out..growing up wasn't fun. Not trusting anyone worked, in that I survived, but I wasn't living. It's sort of a strange feeling to be in a crowd of people and still feel utterly alone.

I was angry, I was "never good enough", I loathed myself and "there never seemed to be enough time". So what changed? Time, the right attitude and the right type of experiences I guess.

Until about 15 years ago I was living motivated by spite, still clinging to the idea that ONE day, like a five year old I would be able to turn around to my divorced parents and say "Look what I can do!" and they would FINALLY give me enough acceptance to overcome the shame I felt about being feminine (or at least the way it's defined in our culture).

When I think of it now, isn't that a hell of a thing, to feel SHAME for expressing tenderness? But I was raised to believe that men were rough and competitive, they were not supposed to show "soft" emotions or cooperative behavior, ESPECIALLY not toward other men (are you f'king crazy?!)

About 15 years ago my dad passed away unexpectedly, and all of the sudden I had to reconsider my plan, because half of the people I thought would be proud of me were now gone. I decided at that point that life was just too short to be motivated by spite and anger, but I still hadn't learned to deal with the anger and frustration of a teenager finding their own identity.

I joined the Unitarian Universalist church about 10 years ago, they are about the most disorganized "organized religion" I was able to find, very liberal (Christians, Buddhists, Pagans, Hindi, Atheists, Agnostics, etc.) -but- a strong sense of community. It felt good to volunteer, and I was able to start to trust people again and break down some of those barriers I put in place when I was younger.

I found this website and for the first time in my life I stopped trying to "prove" to myself that I was EITHER gay OR straight - that there truly was a continuum of desire.

I found a few guys, a few one night stands, a couple, and one very special person who tried very hard to show me what love really means. At first I still loathed myself for wanting to be with men but at this point I'm an adult and it's just foolish for me to deny a part of myself that makes me happy; especially in this day and age when LGBT are more accepted now than they have ever been.

This book also helped, at first I didn't think much of any book that promised "happiness" but it gave me the training wheels I needed to finally break the cycle of self loathing I kept repeating..

http://amzn.com/157062903X

I still wish for that perfect lover, but now I don't do it at the expense of feeling that I'll only be complete IF I find that person.. I don't exist in a vacuum, but I also don't let other people define my sense of self worth anymore. I am already a worthy being, and love is something worthy of sharing - it is something that all people need very much. If anyone tells you otherwise it is probably a lie. It is much more important to share hope and love with the people around you in the present, then to wish and hope for that person who is 100% perfect.

Failure isn't the end, we are DESIGNED to fail..we really cannot do it all alone. It just takes a lot of energy to open the door and let someone in, rather than close it.

There are about a thousand references to different books, songs, youtube clips, quotations, sermons, documentary videos, movies, etc. that I could share with you that have influenced me to believe that diversity is good and I am worthy - this might be a good start..

http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLAAA30E682314BDBA

<hugs>

"If you await the perfect burrow upon which to cross the desert, you'll die before taking a step." -- Spanish proverb

My thoughts on perfection have been called insane. Please share my insanity.

Perfection is the realization nothing is perfect, or ever will be. Yet still remaining diligent to do, be better.

Part of the rationale behind Delphi's cryptic motto of "know thyself" lies in eliminating loneliness. If you know yourself, you know all others because ultimately we are all the same base creatures. We are reflections of love. Be at peace and let love hold you.