Advise needed from long time member

I am looking for help and advise.

i am 57 years old man, been in the closest for as long as I can think about it. I have been married for 27 years and have two girls, ages 20 and 16.

no one know of my bi part of me. Well actually one close woman friend, and of course the few men I have had sex with. One is on this site. And we still talk.

i have over the years had sex with just a few men, but this last week i really did, and yes it was safe.

i have read about people who come out after being married for a long time. It is at best a very ugly thing on the family, and I believe that. At worst it just trashes everyone in the family.

i do not believe I can put the cork back into the bottle so to speak. I have come this far and now must think of options.

here are the ones I have:

do nothing, stay really in the closet. Not good for me.
tell my wife, now there are degrees, but I do love her and in some small way I will tell her, but ...
find a safe friend in town to have a long term friendship with benefits
come out and let the chips fall, will mean pain for me.

Thank you you all ahead of time.
spiro

Boy Spiro you have posts an great deal of questions no one but you can respond to. I am not being negative in that comment; no one can decide your answers but you after some deep thinking. Telling family is probably the most difficult. If it helps I simply told my mother: I was 18. Was she disappointed. sure. She wanted the family name to continue and to see grandchildren. That was the 60's, now it is the 2000's and society is different, Gay men can and do marry, adopt children, have children with surrogate mothers from sperm collected from one of the fathers. Different time, different society, different feelings personally. I lived in the closet, finally came out as society changed. My friends accepted me because they already knew me. But that was me and my history.
You will find many, many others with the same history here. But again, they came out gay or bisexual because they made the decision; nobody else.

You could always do as I do: Don't shout your sexual preferences from the rooftop, but be honest about it if asked. I realize that's easier for me to suggest than for you to do, if only because my wife already knows I'm queer. Still, I've wrote here before I don't think anyone should feel an obligation to announce their sexual preferences to the world.

Yes, perhaps the wife should know, but I can't help but wonder if that will cause more harm than good. Normally, I'd advise younger people to get it out of the way early on, as they don't want to spend decades in a relationship and get to the point they don't feel they can come clean with it. For older guys (I'm 58) it can be much more problematic. Only you can decide whether the benefits of telling the wife will outweigh any potential costs.

As others have posted, you are the only one in your situation. Other men have dealt with the same issue but only you know your wife and children.

I think that your idea of finding a friend with benefits may be good for you if you feel that you can not turn back. The chances of finding such as guy may be a lot harder than finding what you experienced last week(If I get your inference). Whether it was this man or something in you just changed only you can tell.

I like fred's approach about letting a little out at a time or only a little out. Again, only you know your wife but maybe it is time to mention that you find X man to be a handsome guy. Little things that over time will give your wife a hint and option as to whether she wants to discuss "things". Women are smart. She may know already in her own way.

Good luck and happiness in whatever approach you decide to move forward.

I know that this is a hard question, one thing I did decide is that my close new friends are going to know. I have a beautiful woman, (who is not my wife and I have not had sex with, maybe a soul mate) friend that knows. her advise is find men friends that I can at least talk about my issues with than decide more than anything else.
Thank you all.

Spiro
I agree with your lady friend that if the issue is your bisexual identity that speaking with another biman or bimen does reduce any feeling of isolation. If your need is to have a physical sexual relationship with a male friend with benefits that is another matter. Your friend probably knows you well enough to see that you feel isolated? Do you?

More women I know,know I'm bi than men! The on-line bi, thong, and swinger communities know I'm bi, my wife has known since we first started dating, and a couple women in community band know, as well as my tattoo artists (also women) . For some reason, outside of on-line, i find it hard to tell men! I let my body art do the implications!