Bisexual in a serious relationship
So here's the short story...
I have considered myself bisexual since I was about 12. I have pretty much always been sexually active with both guys and girls, however all of the guys have had to be in secret (I live in the south haha). For the past 3 years, I have been in a committed relationship with the most amazing woman I've ever met. I love her unconditionally and I want to be with her the rest of my life. I am currently looking at rings.
Sexually, we are rather promisuious compared to most couples. We have had mulitple threesomes with guys and girls and we have never seen any ill-effects from this. She is so ridiculously cool about everything it's...well...ridiculous.
She "un-officially" considers herself bi. As we all know, this is a lot easier for a girl. She even has a really good friend who is bi that she sees about twice a year and I am pretty positive they hook up...which I'm sure she knows I have noticed. I have no problem with this (we both understand the difference btwn love and sex) but we don't talk about it.
Recently, I have become really good friends with this guy that I work with...we both have. The other night we all got really drunk with a bunch of ppl and it came out that he is gay. This issue is that I have had a crush on this guy since I met him so now I see hooking up with him as an actual possibility.
How do I approach this? I am not ready to admit to my girl that I am bi but I know she won't have a problem with it. And if she hooks up with her bi friend and we haven't seen any problems, could I hook up with this guy and everything be okay?
Basically, I don't know how to be bi. Help! Please!
Re: Bisexual in a serious relationship
It would seem to me you could just be having a chat with the girlfriend, mention the fellow in question and that he kind of turns you on. See how she reacts to that. She might just say you ought to take a shot at him. Of course, she might also ask if you're bisexual. Just as well if she does as it would be killing two birds with one stone. Tell her you are and see if she cares if you make a move on your friend.
Re: Bisexual in a serious relationship
You are bisexual and have had several mfm 3somes with her but have managed to not let this come out? Wow, excellent control. If I'm in the presence of a hard dick, there will probably be some secrets let out lol. She seems pretty cool but I understand the fear of coming out. An upbringing issue I would assume.
I agree with fred. His advise seems pretty safe. Try and get over your fear though. There are many married bi men here with homophobic wives who would like to come out. For you, it's just getting the nerve to tell her and then all will be fine. I suggest you hurry though.
Re: Bisexual in a serious relationship
Sadly, the wife being bisexual has no bearing on how she'd accept you as a bisexual male. So I wouldn't take her reaction for granted. I'd ask her what she thinks about bi males before you 'come out'. Could be that she'd prefer a don't ask don' tell arrangement like she has with her bi friends.
Re: Bisexual in a serious relationship
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Gearbox
Could be that she'd prefer a don't ask don' tell arrangement like she has with her bi friends.
Your point is well taken, but since this is apparently a "serious" relationship, it might be best to clear this up before things go too far. We've all heard umpteen stories from guys who never told their wives. Then they feel it's too late. They feel they can't tell the wife at that point and end up trapped in a very uncomfortable situation.
Re: Bisexual in a serious relationship
I think that Gear has hit the nail on the head. There is an evasiveness in your relationship with your lady. Add to that the double standard towards bisexuality in men versus women and it is probably best to speak about male bisexuality in the abstract. You may be reading her completely wrong about whether she is having sex with women solo. Since it has not come out or she said that she is best to be vague.
I suspect that she may respond in a vague manner to a general comment about whether she sees female bisexuality as more acceptable than male bisexuality...or even girls with girls versus guys with guys as more acceptable is another approach. Maybe leave the sexuality labelling out of the conversation for starters and deal with behaviour. Hit the possible bigotry up front but without disclosing your sexuality.
Let us know what you decide to do.
Re: Bisexual in a serious relationship
I think I'd let her know that you, like her, have thought about men. Then maybe just ask her if she wants to hear about it or just keep it, for you both, in a don't ask/don't tell. My wife is exactly that way. She knows I'm bi and thinks it's cool but she'd never want to see me or hear about it.
But this friend of yours isn't bisexual, he's gay and this is a very big difference. It just wouldn't be any more fair to him than it would for you to have an affair with another woman.
Re: Bisexual in a serious relationship
Quote:
Originally Posted by
tenni
I think that Gear has hit the nail on the head.
First off, I want to thank all of you. For some reason I expected a little judgement but there has been none whatsoever. Every one of you have made some awesome points and I appreciate all of your absolutely objective views.
The point Gear made is most of the problem. I think that one of the biggest things that my gf finds so attractive about me is how "manly" I am. She loves that I'm bigger and stronger than most of our guy friends and never let anyone fuck with her. I have this fear that if she thinks of me as being affectionate with another guy she will lose the passion she gets from being with a "real" straight guy. She gets off on having two guys please her but I don't know if she would be down if I touched the other guy...while I tell her constantly how hot it is when she touches another girl.
I also understand the issue with my crush being gay and not bi. I really don't want to fuck him over but there is this ridiculous sexual tension between us that I feel like we have to address. Plus, he's younger and isn't trying to settle down anytime soon. However, if he fell for me that would really suck since someone already has my heart.
Re: Bisexual in a serious relationship
Quote:
Originally Posted by
tenni
I think that Gear has hit the nail on the head.
First off, I want to thank all of you. For some reason I expected a little judgement but there has been none whatsoever. Every one of you have made some awesome points and I appreciate all of your absolutely objective views.
The point Gear made is most of the problem. I think that one of the biggest things that my gf finds so attractive about me is how "manly" I am. She loves that I'm bigger and stronger than most of our guy friends and never let anyone fuck with her. I have this fear that if she thinks of me as being affectionate with another guy she will lose the passion she gets from being with a "real" straight guy. She gets off on having two guys please her but I don't know if she would be down if I touched the other guy...while I tell her constantly how hot it is when she touches another girl.
I also understand the issue with my crush being gay and not bi. I really don't want to fuck him over but there is this ridiculous sexual tension between us that I feel like we have to address. Plus, he's younger and isn't trying to settle down anytime soon. However, if he fell for me that would really suck since someone already has my heart.
Re: Bisexual in a serious relationship
Quote:
Originally Posted by
carter.john
First off, I want to thank all of you. For some reason I expected a little judgement but there has been none whatsoever. Every one of you have made some awesome points and I appreciate all of your absolutely objective views.
The point Gear made is most of the problem. I think that one of the biggest things that my gf finds so attractive about me is how "manly" I am. She loves that I'm bigger and stronger than most of our guy friends and never let anyone fuck with her. I have this fear that if she thinks of me as being affectionate with another guy she will lose the passion she gets from being with a "real" straight guy. She gets off on having two guys please her but I don't know if she would be down if I touched the other guy...while I tell her constantly how hot it is when she touches another girl.
I also understand the issue with my crush being gay and not bi. I really don't want to fuck him over but there is this ridiculous sexual tension between us that I feel like we have to address. Plus, he's younger and isn't trying to settle down anytime soon. However, if he fell for me that would really suck since someone already has my heart.
I have noticed this fear/attitude multiple times on this site, and I have been asked dozens of times about whether or not I consider a guy to be less masculine because of the fact that he is bi or enjoys being with men. To me, this shouldn't even be a factor. In my mind, one's sexuality has nothing to do with them being "manly" or not. That is a personal characteristic, not a sexual one. Do you consider your girlfriend to be less feminine because she likes having sex with other women? I'm just trying to say that you shouldn't make that a factor on whether or not you come out to your girlfriend. If she considers you to be masculine the way you are now then that shouldn't change. Just my two cents.
