New and after advice...wife is bi

Hi all,

About a month ago my wife came out to me as bi curious. She had been getting turned by thought of her and a friend who she started finding really sexy. My wife has now basically admitted that she is bisexual. I am having trouble controlling my emotions and am going from feeling angry and hurt to extremely sad and depressed, to being completely ok and accepting of it. Is this normal?

I have been with my wife for over thirteen years and have been married for five years and we have two children. I dont feel betrayed but i do feel that alot has now changed and my wife doesn't think the same. We have talked about fantasies while having sex and we have both talked about threesomes with MMF and FFM. Now this could be a possibility i don't know if in reality I could handle seeing my wife with another person. Is there anything I could do to understand threesomes more and be ok with it all. I want my wife to be happy and if that means letting experience a woman then I would like to consent to that.

How have other straight BFs or Husbands are very happy and what are the boundries that you have set in your relationship?

All advice is more than welcome as othersites I have looked at all the blokes are bitter and twisted and probably contributed in some part to the break down of the marriage with their narrow minds.

You're listing reasons why heterosexual men I am friends with have told me why they refuse to get involved with a bisexual woman for dating, a relationship, or even as a wife.

Who suggested the MMF 3 way? You or her?

I first brought up MMF and she brought up FFM. Both were to try to excite each other.
I understand that the post might read like a list of cons but that is because these are the concerns I want to deal with and understand.

Welcome and I hope we here can help your through your questions...

Think carefully.. What is the problem? Is there a problem? I accept that is a surprise and it may not seem like a good one.. But is it bad? She has come out and told you and wants to work with you on this.

You have already discussed 3somes, so at least sometimes you are into something not quite straight as well...

Is there any change in her love for you or for your children?

Maybe it just takes a bit of time to digest and grow into..

Think of it as growing.. Maybe it can even make your relationship better. There is a big opportunity for trust and teamwork here.

Focus on your love, your relationship and your kids and how you might be able to make this all work together and maybe even increase your happiness

Keep talking! (not yelling, even if it is difficult).

Be patient, be loving and the best of luck to your whole family!

Liz

Maybe because your wife has told you that she's attracted to her friend, you see that friend as a threat to the relationship?

It might be better to find a 3rd bi female on the net that can disappear after the sex?
Would that help?:)

You might want to talk to her into a FFM threesome. Several years ago My ex-wife and I talked about different scenarios regarding our sex life. She an I went to a swingers club a couple of times and met another couple where the wife was Bi. We went back to their place and had non swap same room sex and during that the other wife seduced my ex while her husband and I watched. after that evening she and I went back home and had a terrific finish to the evening. She screwed me so good. After we had a couple of threesomes with two different women. Later she told me that although she was very turned on by the other women doing things to her, and she enjoyed doing things with them she was not bi and we never went there again.
During that same time we had a couple of threesomes with a couple of men. I enjoyed watching them do her and also the two of us tag teaming her. It wasn't until after our divorce did I start thinking about being with a man. I have hooked up three times for mutual oral only and I would like to find a regular "Buddy" to have relations with ( FWB) But I only date women.

Communication... Communication is key. I am rather new to this site and these boards, but have been in a poly relationship for the past 15 years.

Take it slow and talk it out. List what excites you about a threesome and what scares you. Envy is a normal and healthy emotion, but it can degrade your relationship if you let it.

And remember, you can't unfuck someone. If you decide to do this, know that going in.

I am a bisexual male that is married to a straight woman. I love my wife more than anything in the world. I seek to be with males for physical pleasure and not emotional (love). Perhaps your wife is seeking the same. What you are feeling is fear. Fear of losing her. She does not want to leave you. She wants you to embrace her for who she is and still love her. Sex is not love. She is being open and honest. How would you feel if she lied to you to get this fulfillment. Work through it and love her even more for being honest and open.
PS hopefully the friend is a hottie. Makes for a nice threesome!!!

your wife is still your wife, just more of a wife for you to learn about....

her coming out as a bisexual person, changes things for you and her, and it changes you too, which seems a lil odd on the surface....

a way that you can settle yourself, is to break down things into lil boxes, so that way you can get a better idea on what issues you have with what areas, otherwise you have the * omg my female is bisexual, mega meltdown * problem

talking with your wife can help

1) I am angry cos......
2) I am unhappy cos
3) I am excited cos
4) I am uncertain cos
etc

often it comes back to things like * I am my partners #1, now suddenly I feel like I am #2 cos she desires others *
you are still #1, you are still her partner, her husband and any person outside of you have her, is #2, as desiring sex with them, is not the same as desiring a life with them, and her life is with you.

it would not be surprising to find that she is dealing with the same issue as you, * how does she indulge herself and maintain you and her as #1, and continue to re-enforce that in the marriage, as she doesn't see you as #2, but as #1 *

another issue that she can be facing, the same as you, is will sexual contact with others, change you both for the worst, and that is something that can be talked about, but not controlled, as our emotions have a way of changing on us in ways that we are not ready for or prepared for.....

so communication is a large part of it, and time.... gradual changes are easier to adapt to than sudden change.....

if you both are ready to move on to the open relationship stage, set the boundaries that work best for both of you, as the rules need to apply equally and be abided by by both partners.. then add in the rules for the 3rd person....

things like our place or their place, social contact or regular contact, your wife and them or 3 way.. are easy choices.... and then there are the harder choices, whom are you both comfortable with.... and what do we do if it goes badly, do we try again.....

there is are somethings that we can not predict or control... its those that you both need to bear in mind and work thru.....

Welcome! :-)

I will start by saying this. Nothing needs to change as long as she's not cheating on you. So what if she finds her friend attractive, as long as she's not acting on anything. Straight women find their girlfriends attractive! I find men and women attractive, but I'd never act on it and be unfaithful to my boyfriend. He's the same way. We can eyeball all we want, but we're going home together! It sounds like maybe she's finally come to this conclusion about herself over time. It's not a break in trust as long as it's not some secret she kept from you until now. If she has slowly realized it over time, that's acceptable, in my opinion. It took me years to realize I was bi, and years after that to be 100% sure of it!

If you don't think you could handle your wife sleeping with someone else, then get rid of the threesome idea, and don't feel bad about it. Just because she's bisexual doesn't mean she NEEDS to be with both sexes. She may want to, and if you are BOTH ok with it, then try it out. You are husband and wife. Just communicate and be open to discussion. Or maybe just continue with the fantasizing. You might find that it's a huge turn on to hear what she'd like to do with a woman!

I'll share my experience with you. Maybe it will help! :-)

My boyfriend allowed me to have a "girlfriend" last year. It was very stressful and very complicated. There had to be "rules" and boundaries. It was a struggle for me to balance them and stay within the boundaries, but it was a struggle for him too because he was torn between being jealous and being extremely turned on! It didn't work out, but we learned a lot. We learned enough to want to find a new girl, but we're not in any hurry. We love one another and keep the fire going, no matter what.

The reason it didn't work with this girl was, well, mostly, her. Granted, things were weird because it was a first-time trial, so it just never flowed nicely. But mostly it was her. Even though she was married, (a married lesbian... don't get me started on that... the whole situation was something out of a soap opera! LOL!) she still saw me as her girlfriend. I called her mine, but for me it was for fun. She saw it as a relationship. The "rules" were, we could have sex as long as my boyfriend knew about it, and got to be there at least sometimes. I thought that was fair, but she'd push. She'd play games and mess with my emotions. Worst of all, she just refused to accept that she came in second... no one gets in the way of what my boyfriend and I have. Period. We've been together for over 7 years.

So my advice to you, in the end, is just communicate. If you do decide to somehow involve another woman, make sure she is an open, stable, independent woman who is willing to accept boundaries and make compromises. It would be best to find another bisexual, so you aren't left out in any way. You don't want someone who is needy, a man-hater, or looking for a relationship, unless you are wanting a wife-plus-you-plus-girlfriend relationship, which I'm assuming you're not. In the end, like I said. Just because she's realized she's bi doesn't mean anything needs to change or any actions need to take place. Just laugh together, and joke about which women you'd both (hypothetically) like to do... it's fun, lighthearted, and might make things hotter! Most women get offended when their man checks out other women. You have an advantage, my friend! When my boyfriend checks out another girl, I don't get mad, I agree! (Or I disagree and say "what are you thinking?!" Haha!) My favorite thing to say to my boyfriend about a hot girl, is "I wouldn't kick her out of bed." I make comments like it's "man-cave-time", which sometimes involves calling him out if he didn't notice the ass on our waitress or the nipple shot in a movie. My boyfriend is totally accepting of me the way I am, because no matter what, he knows he comes first! Regardless of what happens, make sure your relationship with your wife is your first priority, and hers too. :-)

I wish you all the best!! Good luck!!

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Originally Posted by 4Robert4

I first brought up MMF and she brought up FFM. Both were to try to excite each other.
I understand that the post might read like a list of cons but that is because these are the concerns I want to deal with and understand.

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Did you mean a MMF 3 way where you'd be having sex with another man, or a MFM 3 way where you and another man would be having sex with your wife and you wouldn't have gay sex or sex with the other man at all?

If you wanted the MMF 3 way or fantasize about it or about having sex with a man and your wife at the same time, you're not heterosexual or straight.

Here's something that you and a lot of people are forgetting. You don't have to have a threesome or 3 way if you're bisexual and you don't have to have an open marriage either.

Isn't it a very male thing? The female partner is bi curious and so lets consider 3ways. Why not discuss and find out just what she does want and need? Help her discover herself and her own way.

A female bi curious partner may well want to have a 3 some with another woman involved, but guiding her down that direction is more for the male partner than it is ever for her. She may want to explore that side of her sexuality but she may not. Involving another man has no relevance to her interest in her own sex whatever.

Some of us are not suited to open relationships whatever our sexuality happens to be. There are inherent dangers in opening up relationships which we all know. Some care too much for their partner to want to go down that route and risk all and some are psychologically unable to accept it.

Communication is the key as has been said. Whether or not our partner wishes to explore his or her sexuality, we should be there for them and help them through what is a difficult time for them and they themselves have to help their partner to come to terms with the changes which such a revelation will inevitably bring.

My own view is that if it is agreed that a partner is bi curious and it is agreed that he or she explores his or her feelings, he or she should be allowed to explore them in their own way. That may be be involving another of the same sex in the relationship, but for me it would be best to let them do it on their own with our encouragement and by providing whatever support we can.

There are too many imponderables in starting off with 3 somes and too many potential hazards. Just who is it for being one? There are enough imponderables in any decision where we open up a relationship no matter what our sexuality happens to be. Far better for a bi curious person to explore their sexuality without the inhibition and stress of the presence of their partner in the same bed. It is a truer test of our sexuality.

Because we are attracted to another does not mean we must satisfy that attraction by fucking that person and it doesn't mean that because we are bisexual we love or want our partner any the less or wish to hurt them. There are many ways we can overcome such a revelation which will not endanger a relationship, but what works for one, doesn't for another and before any change in how we relate to our partner occurs, and before any agreement is made how we proceed, talking is a must and looking at every possible scenario.

Not only must we consider the feelings of our partner, we have to look very deeply within ourselves.

Hi Robert,
Don't worry, all the emotions you are feeling are very normal for someone in your situation. I am married to a bisexual man and have known since before we were married. I myself have had same sex encounters during my 20s and still find myself attracted to women sometimes so maybe that's why I find it a bit easier to accept how he feels. I still consider myself straight because I really didn't think that there was anything odd about the way I felt. I always wanted to have a relationship with a man even though I acknowledge my feelings towards women.
Be thankful that your wife loves you enough to be honest with you about how she feels. That gives you a really good indication that she loves you and wants to work through her feelings with you.
Your feelings will settle eventually. As long as you and your wife care about each other and your relationship you should be able to get through this. You do need to communicate as others have said. This is just like any other issue you will deal with within your marriage. If you are open, honest and love your wife, I'm sure you will both be able to find an arrangement that suits the both of you.

You are so fortunate that she is trying to make you a part of her desires for new experiences. Go into this new area as a supporting team member. it will make you two closer in the end. It is not about her finding any new love, it is about making your love together stronger and more trusting.

Bottom line: RELAX, ITS JUST SEX! Enjoy this new stuff right along with her!

MMF was me and another man having sex with my wife, not me having sex with another man and my wife.

I have talked to my wife about all options her having a FWB, 3way with rules, me watching or swinging.

I want to support her not push her away which is why am looking for advice. I know that she doesn't have to act on her bisexuality but I have said that if she ever really wants to then we can talk about it and try to work out how best for her to explore this with both of us being ok with it.

I am so glad that the people here have possotive experiences as it makes me feel better and understand more this stage of our relationship. I appriciate that I may come across as a prat but I needed to talk to people in the same boat as me. My wife has found a website where she is talking to people who are bisexual and it has helped her understand her feelings and you are all helping me.

This people on this site are quality and friendly, thank you all

One other possibility you need to think about. She may well want her first encounter to be her and another woman alone. If you intend to support her during all this you need to be prepared to accept some things you may not totally agree with.

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Originally Posted by welickit

One other possibility you need to think about. She may well want her first encounter to be her and another woman alone. If you intend to support her during all this you need to be prepared to accept some things you may not totally agree with.

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True and we have briefly discussed this.

I'm bi, with a straight husband. He knew before we married (over 20 years ago), the only thing I can advise is that you keep talking - the emotional roller coaster is normal and will settle eventually, with an occasional blip, my husband still has moments now, but we're still together.

I remember explaining things to my husband when we were first dating, in that I will either be sexually attracted to someone and feel nothing else, or I will feel love for someone and not have any sexual desire for them in the slightest. Occassionally I will come across someone that ticks both boxes, but that is extremely rare - in fact I can only think of 3 people who fit into that category, husband included.

Your wife must trust you a great deal to let you know that she is bisexual, telling anyone, especially someone as close as a partner is a huge step to take, its time to put some trust in her. She married you, and you are the father of her children, she doesn't want to jeoparise that, but she does need to let you know how she is feeling, you need to let her know how you feel in return. Don't worry about the 3somes, or finding someone for her to experiment with for now. Deal with the emotions first, everything else can follow on from that.