Bisexuality and the Married or over 50 male

No offense...

But here's something I've noticed.

On this particular site, and even on something called "backpages.com" in my area, there are TONS of men over the age of 50 who are trying to find "sweet young things" aka young men to either "fill" their "holes" or "drink your jizz"...there are PLENTY of men who are married, who are also between 45 and 65 who are trying to cheat on their wives with bi couples, "please be discreet--my wife doesnt know so sorry i cannot host" type of thing, or there's a lot of "60 y.o. bi curious MWM not being satisified at home wife doesnt know" type of stuff.

Now granted, I understand there are urges that need to be fulfilled one way or another. And yes, older people need love too. However, why wait so long? Why try to put someone ELSE at risk of being the person whose phone number the wife finds and the subject of entire evenings of fights? I mean granted, there are PLENTY of 20 something or 30 something men with a daddy complex out here ( or there, if you will) who will be more than happy to divulge some senior interests, but dammit jim, why does it smack of that dOOd Larry Craig?(the American politician who was 'FIRMLY' against gays and lesbians who looked for a little bit on the side in the airport bathroom a la the song "The Humpty Dance")

Do these people really give a sh*t about their marriages, their wives, ther loved ones, their children---that is, the married ones who insist on discretion? They say that discretion is the better part of valor, but what valour is there in cheating on one's wife of double digit years???
Everyone has feelings, but its just an observation... theres a great influx of these kinds of ads, and as 'they' say...

"I'm just curious.":eek:

I am 50 and don't look at any ads that require the person to be discreet. It just means trouble. I had a relationship of sorts with a married guy while I was married years ago and we met on-line and it was "discreet". it is just too much work. Too much baggage. No real chance to go anywhere. After that I decided never to date or answer a discreet ad again. If you can't be open then I don't want to be the person that has to explain to your wife that we are more than just "friends" somewhere down the road. Oh yeah, and who wants to just get together for sex without a relationship attached in someway? Apparently, almost EVERYONE.
Coming out to yourself as bi can be very difficult. Coming out to others especially your wife can seem like it will end your world. (Funny thing is she probably already knows or suspects). So these guys want the best of both worlds. Living the lie of being straight with their wives and children and society but actually finding pleasure through fantasy, porn, and occasionally a discreet hook-up so that they can experience something of who they really are. It is more sad than anything else.
As far as wanting some young stud to have sex with I think that is just a product of our society's obsession with youth. Of course, if you are going to fantasize about having sex with someone outside of your marriage and the chances of it happening are very slim why not go for it all. Pick some hunky young guy you have seen in porn and put out an ad for someone like him. Chances of getting someone like him? Very low!! Chances of your marriage being disrupted by a same-sex encounter? Very low!! So you keep fantasizing about same-sex with men younger than you because they have the buff bodies that you might have had 20,30,40 years ago. I am as guilty as the next. I think it is socialized into us to seek sex from partners better looking than ourselves.
I really don't know what the answer is to this dilemma. I don't think there is anything wrong with guys advertising for what they want and being explicit about it. I usually don't find they want a relationship and so it doesn't interest me but that's just me. People have to find their own ways in the world. In a perfect world, we would all figure out our sexual orientations at an early age and be accepted for whatever that orientation was:bi, straight, gay, whatever. Until then, men will marry and hide their same-sex feelings because society still does not understand or accept Bisexuality.

Bless you dOOd :)

I agree with many of the points that Iowabiguy said--especially about the fact that most people feel that they need to hide or bury their desires to have sex with others of the same gender----because lets face it---while there is starting to be some recogntion, acceptance and the like of bisexuality--for most in society---and it's not just those on the right--but even those who are supposedly open-minded liberal types----"bisexuality does not really exist--it is just a waystation on the road to being gay!" is what you will get from them at the least----and most hold--on the right and the left---"if someone has sex with someone of the same gender----they might be kidding themselves to think they are something else --but they are a homosexual/gay/faggot/queer/perverted/etc....etc..etc.."(plug in any term you choose for this category)

As far as there being so many of us who come to this in our late 30s to death---the one thing that has allowed people the freedom to find out and explore "bisexuality" is the internet--for some of us---we did not get the internet until rather on in life---and it might have taken us a bit to figure out the Internet was a place we could do some "exploration" of this side of ourselves.

If not for the net--we would have soldiered on in most cases----we would not have even considered trying to find out about this part of ourselves--we would have continued to play this form of a "whack-a-mole"--tamping down the desires to be with someone of the same sex in at least a physically intimate manner--- until the day we pass from this mortal coil since we sure weren't going to go to a gay bar or something like that--we had no idea how to find out about this stuff in most cases---we weren't even going to go to the big city to find those "dirty" underground newspapers they used to have that had info on things like this.

It does not surprise me that many married men are playing the "down low" game---they have reached a point that they feel this incredible compulsion to know what it is like to have sex with other men since they see so many guys have such fun on the porn they watch on their computers--THEY HAVE TO HAVE IT!!! but yet they are conficted about the fact they do love their wives, but by doing anything--- they risk all that they have built a lifetime to create, all because of some desire they don't understand and sure as hell most likely would rather not have, thank you very much----so they walk a fine line.

I can say that I don't judge them for the way they choose to do things--I don't consider myself worthy of casting stones against those married men who are on "the down low!"

I do give them a break--and understand that they find themselves in a very conflicted situation.

We all find ourselves in such positions from time to time in life!!

Granted----some guys who are pure shits and would play this game if they were stepping out on their wives with another woman or a guy---but I have found---most are decent guys just trying to figure it all out and they are beating themselves up a great deal because of all of this-----probably more so than if the spouse did know---and I would dare say that over the years----a large number of such men and women too----wound up leaving this life in a manner we would hope they had not chosen!!

Thanks to soceity continuing to still be rather narrow minded in this regard---many more will fall in this way--they might go slow--crawl in a bottle, take some pills or do it fast and messy--going down to the pawn shop and buying a .357, go back to some cheap motel, drink a few stiff shots of booze, load the gun and do what they set out to do!

Sorry to be so negative---but it is sadly true that this is often the case----

I have said it many times before on here and will no doubt say it again---it might be idealistic and naive--but I sure hope a day comes that at least in this society----(the western nations) It will not matter who we love either physically or otherwise----any gender, any social class, ethnicity, religion or whatever way we dumb assed creatures set up to divide ourselves from others--that we can love others without any repercussions----

Sort of like John Lennon's song "Imagine"--cue mental MP3 file and play it......

12volt... my very deep and photo taking friend,
John Lennon's "Imagine" along with nearly every idealistic principle fails to take into account the 4% sociopath element in society.
The horrible harsh reality of someone who simply weighs the pros (profit) and cons (likelihood of conviction and punishment) of murder, theft, cruelty, etc. There are equal men and women whom ...
Who's mere existance sabbotages every established ethic.

As far as the 'over 50 club',
Sure, why does Vit ask? Is she prejudiced to those over 50 (age prejudice)?

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Originally Posted by Bluebiyou

12volt... my very deep and photo taking friend,
John Lennon's "Imagine" along with nearly every idealistic principle fails to take into account the 4% sociopath element in society.
The horrible harsh reality of someone who simply weighs the pros (profit) and cons (likelihood of conviction and punishment) of murder, theft, cruelty, etc. There are equal men and women whom ...
Who's mere existance sabbotages every established ethic.

As far as the 'over 50 club',
Sure, why does Vit ask? Is she prejudiced to those over 50 (age prejudice)?

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I dont know whether 4% is the figure or not Blue, and it doesn't matter. What you say is right give or take the odd percentage point but because ethics or ideals are sabotaged does not mean we are wrong to hold them dear and to continue to propound and convince others of their rightness..

These last few days I came close to betraying my most dearly held principle and ideal and am ashamed to say that for a moment I came closer to hatred and a wish to commit serious violence on others than has ever been the case previously. That occurence has shaken me to the core and I feel a shame for that betrayal of myself and at least one ideal. I am all too aware of my human failings, more so now than ever before. That there was provocation cannot be doubted but it does not excuse the feelings or the violence I felt stir within my breast.

Now I take stock of myself, because for a few moments early on Sunday morning I could so easily have been a part of that 4% you are talking about. My ideals and passions remain intact, but I am no longer quite so sure that I will forever be able to live up to them... or at least one of them.. and if we can betray one, then why not the entire foundation upon which we have prided ourselves and built our lives?

I am aware this isnt exactly on V's topic.. but your words rang a bell in my head which I felt had to be answered, although I am unsure of whether I am providing an answer or just more bloody questions... or maybe I am just trying to exorcise a ghost I didn't know was there..

Well Fran, there is the aspect of being human. Aren't any one of us total pure angel OR devil - it's part of the experience - and sometimes it's confusing and frustrating beyond belief.

As a Sagittarius I am fond of saying I believe in justice, truth and honor. But often what Sagittarius mean when they say "I believe in the truth" they really mean "I believe in the truth - as long as it's MY version of the truth".

..and yes, I have noticed many folks who approach me in chat, a little older who are already married and the wife don't know. Sometimes I can sympathize with the situation - being still partially in the closet myself. Maybe they discovered after the marriage. One gentleman said his wife just isn't interested in sex anymore.

Sometimes the circumstances are compelling and in a twisted sort of way it's kind of flattering but I grew up in a divorced family - regardless of the circumstances I have a really tough time loving someone else when "the wife don't know". Like was already said - *I* don't want to be the reason that a couple gets divorced.

I suspect what would end up happening is all the so called "intimate time" we would spend together would be hurried and secretive and I would be obsessed with the thought of the lie - therefore I probably would find it very difficult to really get off with anyone like that..not to mention the immorality of it..

Some people don't have those sort of hang-ups I suppose - I haven't always had strong loving, committed relationship so I guess I tend to take things more seriously than "just another piece of ass".

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Originally Posted by darkeyes

I dont know whether 4% is the figure or not Blue, and it doesn't matter. What you say is right give or take the odd percentage point but because ethics or ideals are sabotaged does not mean we are wrong to hold them dear and to continue to propound and convince others of their rightness..

These last few days I came close to betraying my most dearly held principle and ideal and am ashamed to say that for a moment I came closer to hatred and a wish to commit serious violence on others than has ever been the case previously. That occurence has shaken me to the core and I feel a shame for that betrayal of myself and at least one ideal. I am all too aware of my human failings, more so now than ever before. That there was provocation cannot be doubted but it does not excuse the feelings or the violence I felt stir within my breast.

Now I take stock of myself, because for a few moments early on Sunday morning I could so easily have been a part of that 4% you are talking about. My ideals and passions remain intact, but I am no longer quite so sure that I will forever be able to live up to them... or at least one of them.. and if we can betray one, then why not the entire foundation upon which we have prided ourselves and built our lives?

I am aware this isnt exactly on V's topic.. but your words rang a bell in my head which I felt had to be answered, although I am unsure of whether I am providing an answer or just more bloody questions... or maybe I am just trying to exorcise a ghost I didn't know was there..

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Why should your violent urges indicate failings in your nature? Perhaps you were utterly justified in your rage and a violent response was the right course of action.

I agree with you about that 4% statistic being a load of cod. What was the statistic in Rwanda or Yugoslavia during the '90s? If America suffered a hyperinflation how civilised would all those nice people behave?

Just last week, on the news, they were talking about having found an "infidelity gene" that resides in a portion of the population.

Now, we will not say that it is an excuse, nor will we say that it is the reason that so many people do it, but it is a factor in some of the guys (and gals) cheating on their spouses, no matter what their sexuality.

We don't mess with the guys who are on the down low simply because we don't want to be part of the problem when the guy gets caught by his spouse, or her PI.

That is a mess that we would rather avoid completely.

Vitt, my/our response to this thread is probably best said by quoting my profile:

TURN-OFFS or DEALBREAKERS:

~Anybody moving around behind their spouses back without their knowledge or approval; (*LESS a judgemental thing, MORE a self preservation thing-if the spouse knows AND is ok with it, that's cool*).

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Originally Posted by Bluebiyou

12volt... my very deep and photo taking friend,
John Lennon's "Imagine" along with nearly every idealistic principle fails to take into account the 4% sociopath element in society.
The horrible harsh reality of someone who simply weighs the pros (profit) and cons (likelihood of conviction and punishment) of murder, theft, cruelty, etc. There are equal men and women whom ...
Who's mere existance sabbotages every established ethic.

As far as the 'over 50 club',
Sure, why does Vit ask? Is she prejudiced to those over 50 (age prejudice)?

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What I was talking about was of course merely my idealistic side coming out---but my cynical side says "What dude--you fucking crazy or what?? Get real!! Ain't never gonna happen so get used to it!!!"

We can dream though, can't we?????

I am a 60 yr old male and very happy with a 60 yr old male partner. I am very interested in men and women of my age for both sex and friendship. What surprises me is how many young females show interested in me. I definitely do not understand the attraction.
But, people like what they like and why should they care what I think?
If you like what they have to offer, you both get what you like. Otherwise, you both get to keep looking. That seems like a good solution to me.
So, I do not see what is such a big problem about old men, married or otherwise seeking what they desire just because I have a different view of what is appropriate. I have total power over whom I associate with and for what purpose.
.

It's not necessarily the age - it's whether or not you are open to a committed partner about your activities. When I first started dating men I looked for an older person because I really needed someone with more experience. 18 year olds are fun, but there's a bit of drama there sometimes.

While in no way saying that cheating on a spouse is to be considered acceptable behaviour, is it not just possible that the fluidity of sexuality makes brings this out in men after the age of 50?

Most of us accept sexuality can be and often is in a fluid state and may be the reason why we see the type of behaviour V is talking about. Or another option for some may be plain old boredom and a search for new experience. Another possibility is that the infamous middle aged male machismo means chasing young guys as well as younger women. An option to be considered is that it is only when entering middle age that men, after a lifetime of suppressing their sexuality because of the expectations of society, finally feel able to express their true sexuality in some form or other... and of course plain old priapic lust which in men is particularly acute and as they age they feel a greater need to put it about a bit hence wherever they can rediscovering lost youth... no doubt there are more things to be considered and there are those who will be better able to explain those..

Really I have little idea of what goes on in the mind of a middle aged man and why they do what they do, but while it is not exactly mirrored in women there do exist some parallels which give us an inkling.... man or woman... we are both human after all..

From my own experiences, I used the word discreet on my profile because I am not out to many family, friends and coworkers. I recently turned 40 and have been going throug a self evaluation. I am (almost) at the point to where I don't care anymore who knows, but not enough to scream it from the roof tops.

My wife knows and I am very lucky to have someone who understands me and accepts me for who I am. I know deep down she probably wishes I wasn't bi, but I am and we deal with it. I am not online everyday looking, sometimes I am away from this site for so long I have to re-enable my account. As far as the age thing goes, I have always been attracted to older men. I don't know if it's a "Daddy complex" or if it is more of an understanding, mature, experience type of thing for me. I do know that I could be with someone 15 years my senior easier than 15 years my junior. Too young would remind me of my son and that would creep me out. The older men don't.

[quote=Iowason;111881] I do know that I could be with someone 15 years my senior easier than 15 years my junior. Too young would remind me of my son and that would creep me out. [quote]

I'm glad someone older said that.

Me and bf get a LOT of flack (aka "is it age prejudice?") for stating a similar feeling when it comes to men WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY older than us who want to "get it on"... its like they are pissed off that they cant get any from us or something, instead of respecting that "umm hey, this makes us think we're doing our parents/grandparents and umm thats creepy." Different "strokes" for different folks!

[QUOTE=vittoria;111884][quote=Iowason;111881] I do know that I could be with someone 15 years my senior easier than 15 years my junior. Too young would remind me of my son and that would creep me out.

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I'm glad someone older said that.

Me and bf get a LOT of flack (aka "is it age prejudice?") for stating a similar feeling when it comes to men WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY older than us who want to "get it on"... its like they are pissed off that they cant get any from us or something, instead of respecting that "umm hey, this makes us think we're doing our parents/grandparents and umm thats creepy." Different "strokes" for different folks!

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I agree Vi--I have always felt more comfortable being with someone older than myself than being with someone younger---

There is some unfortunate idea that when a person gets older--they somehow don't deserve sex--that sex is somehow strictly the provence of the young--I guess it is part and parcel of this society's worship of youth and denegration of anyone who is not young and "hot"!

It is as though any value a person has goes away as soon as they pass some magic age---with that magic age getting lower and lower it seems with each passing year.

Actually--like a lot of things---you can more enjoy sex in your "mature" years than you do when you are young----when you are young it is all about rapid, breathless sex-----but when you get older---like with most things and sex is one---you do learn to sit back and enjoy it---make it more of a nice leisurely but brisk walk in the park instead of a sprint to some imaginary finish line.

As I have gotten older--I do know where they got and much appreciate the old adage that "youth is wasted on youth!"

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Originally Posted by darkeyes

but while it is not exactly mirrored in women there do exist some parallels which give us an inkling.... man or woman... we are both human after all..

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Are you alright, fran? Or did cuddly brain you with a frying pan? Whatever the reason, I'm marking this day on the calendar, "Fran admits men are human!"

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Originally Posted by allbimyself

Are you alright, fran? Or did cuddly brain you with a frying pan? Whatever the reason, I'm marking this day on the calendar, "Fran admits men are human!"

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Let me clarify.. most... not all by any means... or if the "not all" are, they hide it remarkably well...

Here is another favorite saying regarding sex when young I have always liked---"Young, dumb and full of cum!!":bigrin::bigrin::bigrin:

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Originally Posted by 12voltman59

There is some unfortunate idea that when a person gets older--they somehow don't deserve sex--that sex is somehow strictly the provence of the young--I guess it is part and parcel of this society's worship of youth and denegration of anyone who is not young and "hot"!

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For a very long time I did suffer from a "Daddy complex" type of thing - mainly just looking for love and acceptance - so I'm not necessarily adverse to the idea of an older man - once I realized that no one can be a knight in shining armor 24x7 I relaxed a bit about the whole thing.

I think it's a shame the way folks in the US treat seniors - all that experience counts for something good. Everybody deserves to be loved as long as they aren't a complete homicidal sociopath - but - I do have a prejudice against "adultry" - I'm sorry - if this society were different maybe things would be better but I've been programmed a certain way.

..yes..I saw that article about the "infidelity gene" - wouldn't surprise me - it's kinda crazy the way all those peptides 'n hormones 'n stuff go whizzing around the body. A discovery in a lab sometimes is very hard to translate into real world/life circumstances.

I have more fun with sex at 60 than I did at 20.
But, I have had a great life, Zero to Sixty, and my life at 20 was absolutely wonderful.
I wish the same for all of you.

At 20, no amout of sex was enough.
At 60, any amout of sex is more than enough and I get much more than that. Life is great!

to the O/p (I've not read the string)

Men who are not in the closet refer to the closeted hiding from the wife men as looking for a maintenance fuck.. Nothing more.

Any hole will do...Its a question of who wants to be a hole..

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Originally Posted by the mage

to the O/p (I've not read the string)

Men who are not in the closet refer to the closeted hiding from the wife men as looking for a maintenance fuck.. Nothing more.

Any hole will do...Its a question of who wants to be a hole..

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Probably true sometimes. But the only absolute truth is that: It is definitely what some of those out of the closet want to believe about those in the closet. Otherwise, it is just stupid crap.

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Originally Posted by TakeMeFromBehind

I can totally understand just why some bi/gay married men would cheat on their wives.

Let's face it most women aren't that into being sexually open minded or adventerous and a lot of women don't even like sex to begin with!

Also a woman's sexual peak and decline happens a lot faster than a man's does and most women's libidos as well as their cunts wind up drying up and they stop putting out! ;) :bigrin:

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I would take you from behind ok..with a bloody great boat hook and pull u inside out and send u back 2 trollie land.. u do talk such tripe! Ho hum...don't feed the trolls indeedie..:tong:

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Originally Posted by darkeyes

I would take you from behind ok..with a bloody great boat hook and pull u inside out and send u back 2 trollie land.. u do talk such tripe! Ho hum...don't feed the trolls indeedie..:tong:

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Careful with this Carry On style stuff DE you'll turn him into Sid James...he'll love this.

Brilliant!!!

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Originally Posted by darkeyes

I would take you from behind ok..with a bloody great boat hook and pull u inside out and send u back 2 trollie land.. u do talk such tripe! Ho hum...don't feed the trolls indeedie..:tong:

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This is one of the greatest things I've ever read lmao

My, My. Frances does have a way with words!

Didn't think it that funny but glad u liked.. anything to oblige...:tong:

It seems like this has all gotten a bit off topic but I have really been thinking about it and my original post because ,well, I don't know what to do.
Here I was so righteous about not dating anyone who wanted to be "discreet" and now I am doing it myself.
I am in the very very beginnings of a relationship with a guy who is so deeply in the closet that you would need a crowbar and dynamite to open the door. I am attracted to him physically but I don't know that our relationship can go anywhere because we can't go out anywhere because he will be noticed in the straight community. He passes very well. He has no desire to be out. I don't know him well enough yet to know where he is coming from. Hell he could be a right wing conservative for all I know!! All I do know is that he is a sweet handsome workaholic guy that likes having sex with me.
Life just keeps throwing you curve balls.