I recently came out to my wife of 22 years - like to hear others experiences

I'm a 47 year old male who has been married for almost 23 years. My wife and I were both open about our promiscuous pasts when we first started dating. She is no prude and is well aware of my proclivity for kink. She has been aware of me wearing her panties at times for over 15 years.
Over the last few years when we made love I slowly started talking about her being with another man or having a MMF. She always flat out refused. I became a bit braver and started to wear her lingerie when we were intimate although she was obviously uncomfortable with it. She noticed I shaved my legs for the first time and shaved my pubic hair into a small triangle patch. Months later as we would have sex I would tell her how hot it would be to eat another man's cum out of her pussy and to be licking her clit while his cock was going in & out of her pussy. She still refused to bring in another man. I then got even braver and started telling her how hot it would be to suck another man's cock before he entered her and how I would love to lick him clean after he cums in her.
My wife's response to all of this is to tell me I am suffering from a lack of testosterone. I had to tell her there was no lack of testosterone when I was 12 sucking my friends cock multiple times and that in my late teens I had plenty of testosterone when I swallowed my first load of cum. She still thought I was kidding! I had to look her in the eyes and tell her I am bi-sexual, that I have sucked 10 different cocks and swallowed cum from 2 of the guys. The response was silence at first then she just said she did not want to know about that side of me.
I had guilt eating at me due to being with 5 men during our marriage (most very brief encounters and only oral) she did not know about. I had to come clean and I hoped we could share encounters with men at some point. I just could not deny this part of my sexuality. I began to have her call me "cum slut" & say things like, "my husbands a cockslut" when we fucked. I described my last encounter with a guy and told her how he wanted to cum on my face but I wouldn't let him and how when he came on my ass it felt so hot with the cum dripping between my ass down onto my balls. She still seemed to think this was all just my kinky fantasy. I wanted permission to be with other men and share it with her. Finally a few weeks ago when she kept saying she did not want to know I had to tell her I had been with 5 men since we were married and told her I was bi-sexual and needed cock from time to time and would not deny my sexuality and I would understand if she wanted to leave me. After some tears from her she told me she loves me and would never leave me. I said the same thing but that I sometimes desired something she could not offer me.
The fact that at 49 she is going thru the beginning of menopause probably made the timing bad. I'm curious to see what others might have experienced in coming out to a spouse of many years.

My husband and I are both bisexual and knew this from when we started dating and knowing each other as friends decades ago.

Your experience is not unlike mine. My wife never knew about my homosexuality or past before we got married. She certainly wouldn't have married me had she known. I first started giving her hints within years after we got married when we'd have sex after I'd been drinking. Like you, I'd suggest have a other guy involved. She just brushed them off as the ravings of a drunk.

Fast forward a decade or two and she finally came to realize all those hints weren't just drunken ravings and that I was queer. She seems hot and cold about it. Although I don't make reference to being queer all that often, when I do sometimes she seems to find it funny. Sometimes she seems disgusted by it. For the most part we don't bring it up.

We stopped having sex quite a few years ago, mostly due to her illness, along with my sexual interest shifting exclusively to men. I brought up the subject not long after her diagnosis of me having a boyfriend. She replied that if I wanted to go that route we might as well just get divorced. That really pissed me off, although I let it drop. Now I'm not so sure she still feels that way.

When we switched to satellite TV a couple years ago, the guy that installed it was one of those rare hotties in my eyes as I find very few men attractive. As the guy was leaving I said out loud with the wife in the room, "What a hottie! Mmmm...mmm...mmm". She laughed and said, "Yes, he sure was nice".

The next morning I immediately screwed up the satellite connection and went about trying to call their tech support for help. Out of the blue she says in a joking manner, "Oh, you just want that guy to come back". I told her that would be nice but that it would be highly unlikely they'd send the same guy back, to which she agreed.

That got me to thinking. She seemed to actually like the guy, too, and probably wouldn't mind if he was stopping by the house all the time as did some of the few friends I used to have stop by the house back in the day. I'm wondering if she wouldn't care if someone like that and I were having a sexual relationship as long as we weren't obvious about it and she could enjoy his company, too.

I really don't know how to bring up the boyfriend issue again, or even if I should. I'm going on the assumption if it's a don''t ask, don't tell situation, she won't bother asking so long as she enjoys whoever I'm fooling around with and we're discreet about any sex we have.

Maybe that would be the same with the OP's wife?

When I dated and married my wife I knew that she was sexually very conservative so I did a foolish thing and did not tell her about my past and inclinations, figuring that I would be able to just put it in the closet and indulge vicariously through masturbation and Internet porn. Our married life was great otherwise, and after she went to bed early I was at my computer, surfing the porn and jacking off. As time went on the frequency of sex with her fell off and my obsession with bi/gay and kink increased, so much so that in my mind I was starting to rationalize cheating on her. (Cue the record scratch sound effect) Whoa! I knew that was bad news. She can read me like a book so I knew that deception and cheating would only end badly. I did some soul-searching...I didn't want her to be hurt, there wasn't a "problem" with her and my sexuality is not "wrong" and I knew that I should have talked with her about this before we got married. This was three years into the marriage so I felt that it was time to make it or break it. We sat down on the sofa and I told her that I needed to get some things off my chest. I told her that I loved her and life with her was great, but my sexual needs were not being met. I didn't fault her, just got her to acknowledge that our frequencies were different. I did not give her an ultimatum of "I need more sex", I was just in bearing my soul mode. I impressed upon her my feelings of desperation and withering away towards death in the same way if we don't get enough oxygen, water, or food. She understood. Then I moved on to "it's not just the frequency, but the variety". I didn't go into details, but I reminded her that I had a love for kink and that was an important missing piece in my life. Again, I didn't fault her or give her an ultimatum, just got her to acknowledge that we were on different wavelengths. She understood.

Then I told her there's one more thing, and this would be very difficult for me to reveal but I needed to be honest with her....I am bisexual. I told that I had sex with men in the past and that I still think about it now. She asked "what does this mean for me? That you want to go be with men now?" I assured her that I my feelings for her had not changed and that I still wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, but I needed to let her know who I was and what my feelings were. The whole time I was terrified of her reaction. I had a lump in my throat and my heart was pounding. I had to talk very slowly and choose my words carefully. Then came her reaction....she hugged me and kissed me, thanked me for opening up and being honest, told me that she loved me even more now.

I didn't push for any "solutions", but bless her heart she did try to increase the frequency and explore some kink with me. After about a year went by that she saw that I was still the same guy that she fell in love with and married, she suggested that maybe I should go out and have sex with other people. We researched and read up on ethical polyamory and came to an agreement of how we would proceed. It's been a couple of years and we have both had lovers, and our marriage is stronger than it has even been. I've got no secrets from her, nothing to hide.

My take away lesson from all this is be honest, communicate from the heart, and be true to yourself.

Thanks for the input. I am being honest with her from here on out. I just wish she would participate also or be turned on about me being with other men. I am highly selective and careful so I rarely find a man.
My wife was a slut when we met and thats what attracted me to her. One of her own sisters and her brother talk about what a slut she was. She admitted to leaving a bar with two guys to go to a motel when she was younger (we started dating when she was 23). I think that now with one kid in college and another starting elementary school she is back in "mommy" mode. That and now that menopause has started she just does not seem as sexual. I'll just keep looking for someone I can regularly please near me which may not ever happen again.

Most guys can only dream of being able to see other men and still stay married. Consider yourself fairly fortunate.