After rape...

So, we've been talking to this guy for months. We finally get together and everything was going great until, it was his time to bottom. There was no way it was going to happen. Even that he was wanting it. After a couple of hours trying, I gave up. Then he tells us that many years ago he had some guys rape him and he was so badly hurt that he had to have surgery. Since then, he hasn't have anal. Even that he craves it daily. We didn't know what to do or say. We both really like him but don't know how to help him. Any ideas?:confused:

You can't help him. He has to be the one to get over it or deal with his issues. Tell him to go see a therapist and talk to a medical doctor as well. If he was really badly damaged internally from being raped he may not be able to take it up the ass. There's always the concept that for him the fantasy of being fucked is more fulfilling than the actual reality of it.

Suggest he buy a few dongs (dildoes) from small to larger sizes. Start using the small one and work his way up through the larger sizes. If this is just an anxiety type problem, it may relieve at least some of the anxiety once he gets used to having things inside him. If he's got some physical problem, that may be something that can't be remedied.

I don't believe I've ever heard of someone physically incapable of anal sex, though. After all, we all have to take a crap every now and then, don't we? If you can take a crap, you should be able to take in the average cock.

One of my first hook ups was with a real sleazebag I met in my early 20s. He told me only after he came to my house he'd been raped while in jail so couldn't have anal sex anymore. That was after me trying to stick my finger up him and I noticed his anus was so tight I could barely get my finger in it. I didn't pursue his claim he couldn't have anal sex.

I assumed if he did really have a problem with anal sex it was psychological. He was a flake, anyway, so no great loss, and the hook up was almost a complete waste of time.

Thanks

Hate to tell you this Gentlemen, but there Can be a ton of sac tissue problems after anal rape. It Can cause a person to not want, or be able to have, anal sex. It can be too great to get something Up there, but not for defecation to come Out. That's a totally different set of muscles...
If a guy is very very tight, the best method is a little deadener, (Desensitizer like Anal Eze) tons of good lube, a gentle finger or Soft dong, and Lots of understanding, patience, and arousal. :}
Just my humble 2 cents and personal experiences.
Cat

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Originally Posted by Cherokee_Mountaincat

., and Lots of understanding, patience, and arousal. :}
Cat

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I would second this part .. of course if you all tried for an hour I would guess that there was plenty of patience and understanding already. I don't know if it is physiological problem or not but so much of sex is also in the mind that it can be very daunting to have sex with someone who has been through trauma in their lives. If this person is special to you, hopefully you can build up a relationship based on love and trust.

I don't know if this person would mind having you use toys (and lube) on them or not ?

The first couple I met on here was a long distance, so we cammed, chatted, Emailed and called on the phone for a long time before we all decided to meet. One of the cam sessions they decided they wanted to be frisky, which I thought I would be okay with. For some reason I had a problem with seeing them both on cam - It brought up some bad memories from the past that I had about my sexuality.. We decided to meet anyway and I am very glad that I didn't feel the same way in person. I guess I just don't like cameras, or maybe it was the thought of seeing people I know and care about deeply in something that looks like a porn clip.

I was taken advantage of when I was very young, inevitably when I am being intimate with someone those feelings come up, and if I am not particularly horny at the time also a healthy dose of guilt, fear and shame but I know that I am an adult now and the person I am with loves me very much - it makes a big difference.

I just cannot imagine what it would be like to be the victim of rape---its of course honorific enough for women who are---but in a way---perhaps more so for men---since not only is there the issue of the actual physical assault--but that one man "let" another man "take him" without permission--which of course brings in all kinds of issues like "what it means to be a man" and things of that sort.

I will bet that those guys who raped other men---they don't consider themselves to be anything other than purely straight----but that for some reason---the guys they raped might have been perceived by the perpetrator to be effeminate or something of that nature----and so the male victims of such attacks therefore, according the twisted logic of the rapist that their victims-----"deserved" and "asked for what they got" just like many men rationalize raping women since the woman "deserved it" since she was "dressed like a whore or a slut."

Right now with all the revelations of sexual assaults almost being an epidemic in the the branches of the US military---while many of the victims are females----most of the victims are actually males who have been sexually assaulted by other men.

It is really a sad thing that we have so many people who think they can sexually impose themselves on others---no matter the gender of the victim---it does show that we have a "moral sickness" in our society and culture that this is so commonplace----and its really bad that the "brass" of the military apparently have an attitude that it either doesn't matter much that such attacks take place on such a frequent basis or they simply don't want to recognize the situation. If they were to take the stance that such sexual assaults----no matter the gender of the victim is something that is off limits, that the rank and file get training that its wrong and when it does take place----the military's stance is that you will be prosecuted and if found guilty----either by the military justice system or by the civilian courts----you will face serious sanctions levied by the service---that won't of course eliminate the problem---but will go a long way towards starting to stem the tide against it.

It is really something that in two cases--one was a top woman general---that those command offices overruled and overturned convictions by a military panel in court martial proceedings in those rape cases and let the perpetrators walk off Scott free!! '

That is some sick and sorry stuff--those officers should be forced to retire and leave active duty service. They do not deserve their positions of leadership and authority!!

As for the guy the OP talked about----I would bet that the guy he was with still had not come to terms with the rape he suffered and his inability to be receptive to being penetrated had more to do with the mental aspects than the physical ones when they tried to have anal sex. I do hope that since he so desired to have anal sex with another guy but was not able to actually do the act----at some point down the line----he did either find a caring and loving partner with patience and care who helped him get to the point he could allow himself to do the act---or he got into therapy to deal with the mental issues relating to the rape that he never did properly address early on.