Smiley 69

This is my deal.I'm 42 live in a small farm community in Missouri. My cousin was the first that I had an orgasm with. I was 13 he was 14. We spent the night at my grandma's house. We had our own room and we agreed to get naked and get in bed. I remember touching his body. We decided that we wouldn't have intercorse but we could do whatever else. I remember feeling his butt and the sound of his gasps when I felt his balls he let me rub my pennis between his cheeks. I remember how hard I was. I wanted so much to suck him off but didn't. After all we was just kids. When he ever so softly started stroking my pennis it was the absolute best. I didn't expect what he did next. The way he rubbed the head of my cock was unbelievable than he used his other hand and felt my balls and somehow slid his finger inside me. I moan and gasp and eventually let out a yelp. I came for the first time.
I often find my self fantasizing about being with another man. I think about what it would be like to give head. To have someone shoot their load in my mouth. I want a sex slave. I want someone to tie up that I can do whatever with. Spank, play with to cum on. Is this screwed up? Is something wrong with me?