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I am not a cheater, I don't condone cheating, I have never cheated on my spouse, ever. That being said I feel the need to post about the current hooha going on here, it has gotten to be a pissing match.

This all started over one angst filled spouse of a bisexual husband who stepped outside of his marriage vows to satisfy his sexual urges. I feel for her, she has been betrayed and is justifiably angry. It does have a tendency to piss people off when they have invested years in a relationship only to find their spouse is dipping their wick in another candle. Male or female, it's really of no consequence what the sex of "the other" is, the fact that "the other" exists is reason enough to be upset when your relationship parameters are those of monogamy and fidelity.

With THAT being said, here is where I have real issue with the current fuss. In any relationship a climate of communication has to exist. Many people don't know how to foster good communication in a relationship in order to be able to tell their spouse they have desires that are not of a heterosexual nature. This combined with poor relationship choices often sounds the death knell of many relationships. Being bisexual is a complicated thing under the best of circumstances, being married and bisexual often is a ticket to divorce court. But two failures have most likely occurred in most circumstances that end that way. First, is a failure to communicate, creating an environment where open, honest communication is achievable takes work, real work. Both parties have to accept their spouse and be prepared that not everything that is disclosed will neatly fit within the confines of fidelity and monogamy. Egos may be bruised, feelings may be hurt, because sometimes the truth ain't pretty. But a loving environment where acceptance is paramount can overcome these insecurities and problems. Failure to do so is failure in total. Responsibility for this foul lies in both courts, if you can't communicate your needs, you have either the wrong relationship for you or the wrong partner altogether. That's a hard fact to deal with but it's reality. It's communicate or perish, no other way around it.

Secondly, both partners needs have to be met. Some people see this only as a one sided equation, like any equation it must balance on both sides of the equal sign or the answer is wrong. Insecurity is just as dangerous as lies are, and if your spouse is insecure about your relationship, it's time to take stock in how you have not done your job in fostering a secure relationship. All the barriers here are in the mind, there are no physical walls to breach, no way mince words about it. Insecurity and jealousy come from fear, and fear means you haven't created trust and security. Sex is an act, it only has the emotional context people attach to it. That emotional attachment varies greatly from person to person, men tend to attach far less emotional weight to sex than women. Men and women treat infidelity differently as well, men ( usually ) cheat because their needs are not being met at home, women ( usually) cheat because they seek recompense. Both connote some other foul created by the spouse that is unaware of the cheating, neither foul is justifiable or reasonable. It's a giant "fuck you" to the unaware spouse, sought as quiet revenge for the foul committed in the first place. They are both reprehensible behavior, but that never seems to matter but in hindsight. All to often this behavior is only examined once the devastation is complete and someone is in tears, and by then it's far too late for an amicable solution.

I am NOT trying to justify bad behavior, there is however a caveat. When a person has to deny a part of their sexuality to be in a relationship, this is no less reprehensible. Cheating is selfish, there is no bone to pick about that. But when a spouse knows their partner is bisexual and expects them to deny themselves the expression of their sexuality, that is equally selfish. To ask this kind of self denial of a person is the definition of selfish. It smacks of childish insecurity and self-centeredness. To do this knowingly, is reprehensible, just as reprehensible as cheating. It says, "Oh, we are going to deny your needs so you can meet mine and make me feel better." That's bullshit! Cheating is cowardly, but accepting this kind of scenario is cowardly as well. It is delaying and denying satisfaction of one for the sake of the other. It says, "I lack a spine strong enough to stand up for myself, so I will allow your idea of sexuality to run roughshod over mine." That reeks of codependent behavior and is a fertile bed for resentment and passive aggressive tendencies. What happened to being true to yourself? What happened to acceptance? I guess trust is only conditional in such a relationship. Tell us all how you like living under an ultimatum in five years. Good luck with that.

In the end, the answer to all these woes is better communication skills. The poor souls who can't learn to communicate with their partners will either continue to live a lie or pay the piper in blood, sweat and tears. Far too many of us live in fear of exposure because our sex life has a clandestine aspect to it. It sucks so many are doomed to suffer in silence, that's a stressful, unhealthy way to live. That kind of constant emotional stress contributes to heart disease and is a ticket to a early grave. I don't have a good answer for those of us who doom themselves to live that kind of life. Cheating especially serial cheating is a hard way to have to exercise your sexuality. It produces stress, it encourages risky behavior and can expose unwitting spouses to disease and is risky to the relationship.

As for the bitterness and hateful tone here of late, I would say it's time to let this go and move to more pertinent issues. Insulting others is no way to conduct ourselves, especially within our own community. It is an unfortunate reality that cheating exists within our community, but that isn't going to change anytime soon. Getting pissed and going on a rant and insulting people won't solve this problem. It won't make the cheaters stop, it won't make the cheated on feel less bitter. So let's let cooler heads prevail and cease and desist with the "fuck yous".

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[I]Lets make this clear right now. The object of an online discussion is NOT to solve a mutual disagreement, find out why another person feels the way they do or to discover flaws in your own beliefs…it is to WIN…at all cost. Winning is everything. Also, nobody likes getting bested by a girl anyways, even other girls.[/I]


[B][COLOR=#800000]1. Don't address the points[/COLOR][/B]
If your opponent is being particularly logical by listing clearly articulated ...

Hey thanks for reading and always looking to make more bi friends like me. i will try to use periods the best i can. Whats on this bi guys mind tonight or this morning is why do some guys just want to play games around meeting and talking and such. I just want to find a nice decent looking guy that's wants the same as me fwb or secret bf i guess. I dont want to send all kinds of pics all night or play games if i wanted to play games id play checkers or something. . being from a small town its tough and i know there are guys out there like me going through this same thing. Guys just be real and cock pic is nice but a body pic is nice to. if u are very private then be so but give a guy something. Some guys give us a bad name with the games they play. yes we do think about sex ALOT. But our minds bounce from sex to same sex but be nice when we meet or talk is all important saying. And one more thing if or when i meet up with a guy again and goes to kiss me don't shove your toungue down my throat and think its sexy its not!!! You don't need to find out what i had for lunch gezze anyways ill continue with that story another time thanks for reading and until next time.