coming to terms with "it"

[poserpo]

Hi everybody
I’m new here (and to this whole thing) and was hoping for some advice and basically just to chat with other likeminded people...I’m sorry if this is in the wrong place, but here goes anyway.

I’m a 39 year old guy who's been in a long term (heterosexual) relationship for 15 years and have 2 children. up until recently i never really considered myself as bisexual or bi-curious (obviously didn’t want to admit it as I’ve never had sex with a guy) but there have been times over the years when ive definitely been attracted to the same sex.
what always confused me is that ( and sorry if this comes across as naive or stupid) i always thought that if you were bisexual, you fancied both women and men equally, in the same way. I recently had a male friend who told me he is bi-sexual but he fancies women more than men and to be with a guy he has to “connect” with him first….God this was just like he was describing my life

but with me i fancy women 99% of the time but now and again I’ll see a guy who really does it for me and I definitely “would”. I don’t want a relationship with a guy, it’s just sexual and there has to be a certain “something” that triggers those feelings

Can I give you an example ?

I fancy will smith like crazy
I’d seen him on tv in movies and stuff for years and never looked at him in “that” way at all until I saw him in the shower scene right at the beginning of I robot and then all of a sudden everything changed and I now seriously have the hots for him. Very few guys do this to me but every now and again I’ll meet someone who does something or says something and I get the hots for them.
Another example is I used to work with a male friend who I knew for years and then all of a sudden I saw him in a different light

I guess what I’m trying to say is that with girls, I can walk down the street and say “yeah, she’s hot and she’s hot -but with guys there’s never really an instant attraction but more of a growing connection thing or they’ll just have a “thing” about them

Does any of this make sense at all and can anyone associate with this ?
Coz this has confused me for a long time

I’d not told anyone about my feelings (even my best mate) until last week when I confided in a female friend and she was cool with it, but I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to about it with a common frame of reference

By the way, me and my fiancée have always had a very broadminded approach to sex and we’ve done threesomes with her female friend and that works fine. She always says she wants to watch me and another guy (as a joke) have sex and I always laugh it off…….but I would (with the right person)

I know this might seem very straight forward to you guys but to me it feels very confusing and I definitely don’t want to tell anyone at this precise moment in time as although I live in the city where its widely accepted, all my family and most of my friends still live in a very small knit community village and if any of then knew about my feelings I’d be shunned. My friend (who came out ) still lives there and he doesn’t get accepted by the gay community or the straight community and he doesn’t feel like he fits in anywhere.

oh yeah...ive noticed that as time goes on i feel the attraction to the same sex increasing
Whoa this was heavy

I’d really appreciate any feedback from you guys and thank you in advance.

[M. Wolfe]

First up, welcome to the site. Lot's of interesting and sharing people here to talk to and no one is going to judge you in anyway.

secondly...

I guess what I’m trying to say is that with girls, I can walk down the street and say “yeah, she’s hot and she’s hot -but with guys there’s never really an instant attraction but more of a growing connection thing or they’ll just have a “thing” about them
Yea that's me, too. I think that tends to be the way for bi guys - not a law mind you but a tendency.


oh yeah...ive noticed that as time goes on i feel the attraction to the same sex increasing
Whoa this was heavy
I'm fairly new to this as well. One thing that I noticed plainly was after acknowledging and accepting my bisexuality and I stopped feeling guilty about it, my attraction to the same sex increased. I was worried for a while that maybe I was transitioning to gay but after about a month almost devoid of heterosexual thoughts, I came back again and sort of settled in the middle, or rather just on the female side of the middle.

It took awhile for the idea of being in a relationship with a guy to not be revolting but it grew on me. :tongue:

Confusion and a little panic is to be expected when wandering into new territory, so just breath for the moment and you'll be fine.

[FalconAngel]

I have been Bi since before I had even heard the word "Bisexual". The levels of attraction can vary from person to person and there is no "absolute" for it other than the attraction to both genders in some physical and/or emotional way that goes beyond just a friend.

Sometimes, those feelings are constant and sometimes they wax and wane. it all depends on the individual in question. Some people are attracted to same sex more than opposite sex and some are attracted to opposite sex more than same sex, then there are still others who are attracted to both equally.

Don't worry about it.....just go with it and see where it takes you. And always remember to play safe.

[poserpo]

hi and thanks a lot for the replies
do you know, in 20 years, youre the first people ive told this to who knows what i feel and you wouldnt believe how these replies have made me feel, especially the bit about not fancying guys straight away and it being a tendancy....thats the main bit that always confused me, but i feel a lot better now that ive actually admitted it to myself, i always used to think that these things are set in stone but i realise now that everybodys different, also its hard when everybody you know lives in a very narrowminded backward town

thanks alot

[FalconAngel]

Well, there are a few folks on the site from your side of the pond that can also help you with finding local discussion groups and places to go that you can "be yourself" with in comfort and relative safety.

If you haven't come out to your wife, yet, you really should; as long as the two of you can discuss it calmly, rationally, and you understand enough to explain your feelings and attractions in such a way as to not create major strife in the home over it.

[M. Wolfe]

If you are anything like me and you repressed it hard for years then you may find that it takes a while for you to feel comfortable in your own skin. By accepting it you are giving your conscious and your subconscious alike new freedom to behave more naturally without you trying to force it in a particular direction. Don't be alarmed if it does things you're not expecting but basically remember that you are getting to know a new facet of yourself so allow some time for you to become familiar with it.

[mrplayfuluk]

my best advice is to take your time and don't evr assume you must be gay but not there yet. Most bi guys have a pendulum that swings between bi and straight and as many have only sexual feelings for guys as want relationships instead. its all normal not prescribed. The hardest part is discretion but don't feel obliged to come out. Do what feels comfortable...

[custardcream]

Thanks Poserpo for voicing so many thoughts and feelings, I can certainly relate to them. I too am new to the scene and feel quite confused by finally admitting and accepting this part of me. Don't feel rushed into talking to your parnter - all in good time. My partner and I have been married 18 years and have four kids, it took a while before I felt confident enough about my own feelings to talk to her. She is really supportive though and we have been able to sit and really talk about what it means for both of us, although we have had an open marriage for a little while already, still she couldn't have been more supportive.

[Holmes]

Don't be surprised. I thought of myself self as straight for the longest time it is only in the last few years that I realized I was bi. IT is one of those things you must get comfortable in your own skin first. This is a great place to do that and thepeople are a really great to help you through it.

[just4mefc]

HI,

Just my 2 cents :2cents: here (1.5 euro cents) ...

First off there is a very big difference from fantasy and reality! Coming to terms with the fact you find the male form sexy is one thing crossing the line to more is another. I have known a few guys who really freaked themselves out by jumping in too fast, so make sure you know where you are before you are naked and regretting it. Remember as men we have a brain and a dick but only enough blood to run one at a time!! :bigrin: Now in my case there was no time to really adjust to it. My wife and I had a few ffm experiences just like you she would make the occasional joke about seeing me with a guy ha ha ha. I would say to myself that is so NOT going to happen. Then one day she wants to have a hetero mfm experience and I thought what the hell might be fun to fuck HER with another guy. We had a friend who was str8, one thing led to the next, we are all 3 in bed me on one side him on the other. We are both sharing her and it is like wow this is hot. I get caught up in the moment and go down on him. After words I was freaked out with all the questions about myself, what does this mean etc... Now in my case that confusion lasted about an hour and I went back to the bed and blew him again! That was 10 years ago and I have never looked back. I am bi and love it. My wife is bi as well so all is good! In terms of attraction I find myself naturally attracted to women of all kinds, large, petite, short, tall, black, white I love women! Now with guys the truth is I love cock but I am much more picky in what I am attracted too. I seldom see a guy and think man he is hot at first glance. It takes more time and comfort. Guess that puts me about a 3 on the Kinesy scale ;)

In terms of the whole out thing. I think most bi people do not feel the need to broad cast there orientation to the world. However, I personally feel we should be honest with our partners and our selves. My wife knows and most of my friends know I am bi but I have no need to walk down the street with a sign over my head. For instance when I was "str8" I did not go up to everyone I met and say "Hi I am str8 so lets fuck"

Right now you sound more "tri-sexual" as in try anything :eek: so sort through all that take your time and have fun

Do you ever "joke" back with your GF about mmf or mm sex? She might be more open to it then you think many people use "jokes" to test the waters of sensitive issues.

Hope this helps

[Orlando157]

The entire point is to enjoy "it" ..... don't be so concerned with mechanics - It's the people you spend time with that make it terrific

[ErosUrge]

I'll add my :2cents: and tell you that just like FalconAngel said, I too have been bi all my life and before there was a word or term to describe it. For me, it went back and forth for years in trying to get a handle on who or what I was...
I think the biggest danger is allowing what others outside a network like this to dictate what it is or how it is you're suppose to be. And even our comments should be weighted carefully based on your own feelings of course. This can be a very delicate area to tread emotionally and psychologically; it certainly was for me.
When I was younger, I thought I wanted to express to the world that I was bi especially after I heard the term from David Bowie who had at that time announced to the world his being bi. But then for years after that, I just didn't know either especially since I was and am a bi who leans more towards women. But I never could get past my very intense appetite for male sex that always surfaced regardless of how much I adored my female partners. But because of being committed or was suppose to be to the females in my life and then not being able to control my urges and impulses for men and then acting out on them, it created quite a dilemma. After years of this and keeping it all secret, I had a hatred towards myself for these feelings...
Finally I decided to meet it all head on, face forward - and to once and for all do something to understand it so I could be at peace with myself. It was when I finally did that that it all came together for me and have since been at peace with it. All of this was a gradual process and didn't happen immediately.
I think that it's wonderful that you're addressing this at this point in time and trying to do something with it all now...but do be gentle with yourself and listen deeply within yourself...the answer is there beyond what any of us say here or anyone anywhere else for that matter...
No doubt though that the community here has a lot of understanding people and so many of us willing to talk about it.
Hope that this has helped somehow relating some of my own story.

[bimwmdecatur]

but with me i fancy women 99% of the time but now and again I’ll see a guy who really does it for me and I definitely “would”. I don’t want a relationship with a guy, it’s just sexual and there has to be a certain “something” that triggers those feelings

That is exactly what I feel. I really like women and only enjoy men for the sex and I don't think I could ever have a romantic relationship with a guy.

But the man to man sex is great with the right person.

Just be careful as others have noted and be very selective with whom you share this information.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Welcome to the group Darlin. And dont worry about the feelings, they are perfectly natural. All of us here(well us bi-folk anyway) have dealt with this many times in the past, and we live with it everyday. :}
Just be you here, and know that there are 100's of other like minded people here as well. :}
BTW Will Smith IS hot. I met him while they were filming Independance day back in Calif, and he is one hot lil honey. ;) He's not only hot, but was incredibly kind to the disabled students that we took out on the set. (Drool drool) :}
Silly Cat

[poserpo]

thanks alot guys
your replies are really helping and i feel like a weight has already been lifted
God i wish i'd found this site along time ago

[AdamKadmon43]

I was fortunate enough to realize (and more or less come to terms with) my bisexuality at the age of about 16.......oddly enough, just shortly before I kicked the mean and evil christian god out of my life.

The only really big mistake I ever made about it was not being honest with the people I got involved with. I caused a lot of problems for myself and others by that. What ever you do ....BE HONEST with anyone that you get into a relationship with. You are probably not going to be able to hide it forever, and if they can't deal with it, they are not worth bothering with anyhow.

Hope all goes well for ya.

[fredtyg]

I seldom see a guy and think man he is hot at first glance.

So true! But, as has been alluded to above, I've found the taste of bisexuals can be all over the place. I was disappointed seeing a poll of bisexual men years ago who were asked what their preferences were and most were mostly into women, first and foremost it seemed. I figured most would prefer a cock over pussy most of the time as I do.

As for me, I've always found women attractive, and find a larger range of them attractive than with guys. With guys, I could probably count on both hands (well, maybe four hands) the number of guys I've found sexually attractive in the over 35 years I've live in my town. I find most girls sexually attractive to me, even ones that are overweight which is a complete turn off to me with guys. I'm much more stringent in my qualifications with guys.

So, it would seem I'm mostly oriented sexually towards women, right? Nope.

If I masturbated 100 days in a row- heck, make that 365 days in a row- I'd fantasize about sex with men probably every one of those times. My most memorable sexual experiences- ones I really, really wish I could live over again- are ones I've had with guys. I've had many enjoyable sexual activities with gals, but none that I miss as much as those with guys.

To confuse the issue further, shouldn't that mean I should of married a guy rather than a girl as I ended up doing? Nope. I don't know that I could achieve the emotional bond with a guy that I could with a female. I know I seem to enjoy the presence of women and interacting with them more than I do with men.

So, what am I? A bisexual, of course, but I'd break that down further by saying I'm mostly homosexual sexually, but a heterosexual emotionally. The question I have left, though, is do heterosexual men prefer being around women more than men? I don't think so. I guess I'm all screwed up.

[fredtyg]

I was fortunate enough to realize (and more or less come to terms with) my bisexuality at the age of about 16...

I think I realized I was bisexual maybe 10 years ago, although I couldn't tell you when exactly my epiphany came about. I sucked my first dick when I was around 10 or 11. No idea where I came up with the idea to seduce a friend. We sucked each other off fairly regularly for a while.

I had some other kid homo activity but never really even thought about the issue of homosexuality. I don't know if bisexual was even a word back then.

Even after I started having sex with men as an adult I never considered myself a homo. Back then (1970s) it wasn't acceptable and I think I was in denial. Still, get a few beers in me and I'd be looking for cock.

I think it was maybe ten or fifteen years ago I began to come to terms with the fact that I was homosexual, despite being in a heterosexual marriage. Heck, I told myself, I like making out with guys, I like sucking cock and I like having other guy's weenies up my butt. Nothing wrong with that!

Then, after I became involved in the internet, I thought more about my sexuality as there was so much info out there, not to mention porn. Eventually, as I mentioned in my post above, I realized I was bisexual. I'm actually glad I'm a bisexual and feel privileged. Best of both worlds as I see it.

[NEPHX]

The one thing that research has shown and has been my personal experience is that human sexuality is very fluid.

I'd suggest reading a few coming out books on the coming out process. You likely find most books and resources will say that coming out to one's self is the first of many steps. Each persons has a different path to their own final place


Hi everybody
i always thought that if you were bisexual, you fancied both women and men equally


You’ll hear people say I’m a Kinsey 3 or a Kinsey 4, Kinsey 1, etc. People are different and often feel different at different times of their life. (0=str8, 6=gay/les, 3 being mid point)

Check out info on the Kinsey Scale as well as the more involved Klein Sexuality Orientation Grid (KSOG) (from the book "The Bisexual Option" by Klein, MD). You can find a good concise description and information on KSOG here: www.binetaz.org/sexuality_grid.htm

The KSOG goes into a lot of variables that make up human sexuality as well as the fluidity of those variables over time. One interesting thing to do is to fill out the KSOG every month or so and see how you change over time.

Other good info is at: www.bisexual.org , www.biresource.org and www.biirish.com (for local in groups)



I’d not told anyone about my feelings (even my best mate) until last week when I confided in a female friend and she was cool with it, but I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to about it with a common frame of reference

We seem to spend our lives coming out so you’ll likely get more comfortable with it. Sometimes that information will be accepted and sometimes it won’t. So, expect that as well.

When people first come out, accepting it first themselves over time, they often feel the need to come out to a lot of people in their life’s. Remember that the other people in your life have not had 39-years to “process” the new “poserpo.”

They may accept you completely without question; they may seem accepting at first and then grow distant, uncomfortable; They may seemed even shocked while others may initially pull away only to grow more accepting over time.

I’ve found that at times, it’s important for me to come out to someone in my own way/time table (I call it controlled reentry vs. burning up in the atmosphere) rather than risk them discovering it on their own due to some event in the near future. I’m sure many people have great stories about that … I know a few of mine is pretty funny.


I know this might seem very straight forward to you guys but to me it feels confusing....

Most everyone who has come out has gone through periods of feeling like you do…. Eventually, most people come to terms with it and understand the different feelings.


oh yeah...ive noticed that as time goes on i feel the attraction to the same sex increasing.

That will probably change back and forth over time.... the more you feel acceptance of this yourself, the more you process it in your mind (coming out to yourself), the more you will most likely open up to different possibilities.

[poserpo]

thanks everyone,
i really appreciate all of your feedback and i now i think feel the best i've ever felt about "it" just by confiding in you folks.
never knew about the kinsey scale (naive or what !), but that seems to put it all in perspective for me and explains a lot. i have admitted it to myself now, but think it'll be a good while before i can tell anyone else in my life (not sure if i even want to, nobody elses business really)
think i'll be hanging around here for a while now, it's already starting to feel like a little "family" LOL and ive only been a member for a couple of days

cheers :)

[AdamKadmon43]

thanks everyone,
i have admitted it to myself now, but think it'll be a good while before i can tell anyone else in my life (not sure if i even want to, nobody elses business really)



Maybe I had better clarify that post I made. You only need to be honest with those that you are directly involved in a relationship with.... Otherwise, you are entirely correct. What you do with your personal life is none of anyone else's business.

Glad to have you here.... I tend to be a total moronic, opinionated, asshole, jerk sometimes ..... so when I do, just ignore me. Everyone else does.

[Alaskan Couple]

I was going to suggest all of the things that NEPHX did above, but since that is a pretty thorough post I don't need to reiterate.

But I do want to encourage you to do some serious research along the lines of human sexuality. At least in my own case, the scientific data provided a firm sense of; "Whew! I'm normal after all". Once you come to see your sexuality as normal for you, then you can begin to feel comfortable in your own skin. And believe me, it is really nice to be comfortable with who you are!!!!

Best of wishes!

[*vale*]

but with me i fancy women 99% of the time but now and again I’ll see a guy who really does it for me and I definitely “would”. I don’t want a relationship with a guy, it’s just sexual and there has to be a certain “something” that triggers those feelings

Well, does this happen to girls too? I certainly feel this way. And I mean the opposite, I like guys but then there are some ladies that whoa! But I don't see myself involved, unless it's a poly relationship... in theory.

I don't have anyone to "come out" to, I guess I'll make sure to tell myself first. :tong: I guess that would be lucky but how can I come to terms with myself if I don't talk to friends about it? Double edge sword.

Thanks poserpo for posting this. I'm not alone! :wiggle2:

[paddington]

Hi, i'm new to this too,i've been married for a long time and always thought myself straight untill a affair with a woman(ended now & still with my hubby after telling him about it).

this time last year i was a mess with "what am i???" floating around in my head from morning 'till night. i was so stressed with everything and confused. at one point i felt soooo pressured by "her" that i really was a lesbian- what she wanted me to be. my husband was pulling in the other direction,i felt like the rope in a tug of war. it really was tearing me in two. my husband,showing great love & strength told me he could see it was tearing me apart and said he'd back off. that gave me some space to breathe. i couldn't understand how i'd got into adulthood and not KNOWN?

my wonderful hubby says the only lable i have is my name. the biggest thing is admitting it to yourself. when it dawned on me i couldn't stop smiling!:bigrin:

take your time.

[-Dyva-]

Wow, Paddington, your hubby sounds amazing. He's right, too, you don't need to label your way into a corner. Sometimes labels are useful when you want to explain yourself to others, sometimes they're just unnecessary.

And *vale*, it is possible to come to terms with yourself before discussing it with others, and probably better to know what your feelings are beforehand; it's frustrating if you've come out as one thing and then have to come out as something else later. If seeing other girls is something you'd only do as part of a poly relationship, then tell your friends that if you have to tell them something... otherwise, why tell them anything at all?

[_Joe_]

I think the best way to deal with being "it" is to quickly tag someone else and run the hell back to base asap.

[paddington]

Hi Dyva, i don't really need to tell anyone anything..my ex "outed" me, part of the pressure to conform to being what SHE wanted with her! but, i understand what you mean. i was sooooo confused! but now i know i am bi.

It's a bit like i've un packed something from a box and no matter what it can't be re packed away. you know what i mean?

My husband has been so kind and loving,i know he's found it very ,very hard and felt very threatened at times.

Even though i enjoy his lovemaking i do miss being with my ex. i didn't know it could be like that untill her....

But, who knows what's around the corner? Life is full of surprises!