How to explore safely, discreetly, and without stress?

[CuriousCO]

Been trying to explore my bisexual urges lately, but I've been running into some problems which have me stressed and demoralized. I want to be discreet, so fairly anonymous, but I also want to be safe and find a good person to explore with. The problem seems to be that when I go searching, I'm limited to craigslist because of my desire for anonymity, but I've found it very hard to find anyone there who seems like they would be a good person to introduce me to a new aspect of my sexuality. With this in mind, I've gone looking for other "hook-up" sites, but they all seem to require me to forgo anonymity by placing pictures in public view, and on top of that, many require me to pay to play. So I'm kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place with my desire maintain anonymity, but my need to find an easier way to meet the right person to help me move forward. Are there any places out there on the net where I can have both? Any advice would be appreciated here, as I'm reaching a point where I'm about to give up on pursuing this, but I feel like that's just going to create more problems down the road if I don't do something about it.

Thanks.

[Sammysaid]

I feel your pain. I've wanted to meet others in the same way. I've been looking on this web page and silverdaddies. Too bad we couldn't meet.

[Bisexual Explorer]

Dear CuriousCo,
You've come to the right place. One of the many great things about BiSexual.com is that you control what you want to tell the world about yourself. I've found that pics - I need to replace mine they've disappeared - are helpful, but not necessary, to make connections. Show as much or as little as makes you feel comfortable. Other members have found the chat rooms a good way to get to know people.
One last word of advice. I took me a very long time to come to grips with my bisexuality. I'd wish it hadn't. Make up your mind and go for it.
Bisexual Explorer

[mattsbutt]

When I was younger (and much better looking, of course), it just happened. Unlike nowadays, I was around male friends and coworkers that I was actually attracted to. I must have given out some sort of gay vibe or set off their "gaydar", because I had several "str8" guys hit on me or indicate some sort of sexual interest. Eventually, I gave in to two of them and I'm glad I did. So, I had two seperate rather long term discrete sexual relations with two different guys in my young adult life. After losing touch with both of them, I've been trying to be "str8" ever since.

Maybe you just need to make more (or new) guy friends and eventually you'll find one that is just like you. One way or another, you'll end up exploring this bi-curiosity together. At least, that's they way it happened for me.

I can't imagine trying to hookup on craiglist or through some online dating site, but maybe that's just me. I would really have to get to know the guy and feel that I can trust him as I did my two friends way back when.

I hope you get some more responses and good advice.

[Gearbox]

Most hookup sites allow you to make your pics private. You can state in your profile *Pics available by request*. That way YOU control who sees them.Finding a suitable 'partner' is all down to what you communicate, and luck though. Explain your situation, your wants and any concerns you have. Make sure that he'll be prepared for the possibility of you not going ahead with sex etc.As someone who makes great efforts to put 'first timers' at ease, PLEASE at least show up! Nobody can get you to take a 'risk' but you, and 'risks' you have to take. Unless your happy to never find out what your missing.Good luck!

[CuriousCO]

Dear CuriousCo,
You've come to the right place. One of the many great things about BiSexual.com is that you control what you want to tell the world about yourself. I've found that pics - I need to replace mine they've disappeared - are helpful, but not necessary, to make connections. Show as much or as little as makes you feel comfortable. Other members have found the chat rooms a good way to get to know people.
One last word of advice. I took me a very long time to come to grips with my bisexuality. I'd wish it hadn't. Make up your mind and go for it.
Bisexual Explorer

I've definitely found this to be a much more open and accepting of a place than craigslist, though I still feel that I may run into some difficulty with my desire for anonymity after looking through the personals section and seeing that most people there have photos. As for just going for it, that's kind of what I'm doing, though I'm starting to think that I'm being overly picky about who I'm looking for. I've put a lot of stipulations on my search because I want the experience to be good, and because while I am attracted to the penis, I'm not really attracted to men, so I need to find someone who knows how, and is willing to work around that particular issue. For a long time, I was looking for someone TS / CD to do this with because of my previous statement, but I've found that that community has very little interest in working with someone in my situation. I guess I'll just have to be patient and try to get to know people to see what may come of it.


When I was younger (and much better looking, of course), it just happened. Unlike nowadays, I was around male friends and coworkers that I was actually attracted to. I must have given out some sort of gay vibe or set off their "gaydar", because I had several "str8" guys hit on me or indicate some sort of sexual interest. Eventually, I gave in to two of them and I'm glad I did. So, I had two seperate rather long term discrete sexual relations with two different guys in my young adult life. After losing touch with both of them, I've been trying to be "str8" ever since.

Maybe you just need to make more (or new) guy friends and eventually you'll find one that is just like you. One way or another, you'll end up exploring this bi-curiosity together. At least, that's they way it happened for me.

I can't imagine trying to hookup on craiglist or through some online dating site, but maybe that's just me. I would really have to get to know the guy and feel that I can trust him as I did my two friends way back when.

I hope you get some more responses and good advice.

I actually know plenty of gay / bi-sexual men as a result of being a regular at a club here in Denver which has a fairly popular gay night throughout the summer, but the problem is that I wouldn't trust any of them with my first time, nor with the level of discretion I'm wanting. That leaves the internet and communities like this one to provide someone who is not a part of that particular group to help me explore. I know its not ideal, but I have enough homophobic friends and I'm low enough on the scale for interest in men that I think it would just cause lots of problems if I were to go searching for someone in person, if that makes any sense?


Most hookup sites allow you to make your pics private. You can state in your profile *Pics available by request*. That way YOU control who sees them.Finding a suitable 'partner' is all down to what you communicate, and luck though. Explain your situation, your wants and any concerns you have. Make sure that he'll be prepared for the possibility of you not going ahead with sex etc.As someone who makes great efforts to put 'first timers' at ease, PLEASE at least show up! Nobody can get you to take a 'risk' but you, and 'risks' you have to take. Unless your happy to never find out what your missing.Good luck!

I have tried this once before, and I did show up, ready and willing, but nervous to the extreme. The guy I found had virtually no experience dealing with first timers and so nothing of substance happened and I left upset and demoralized. Part of the problem is that I will need someone to not just take the lead, but almost seduce me into the act, even though its something I want to do. Unfortunately, I've yet to find someone willing or able to do that. In addition, I'm a very sensual person and I want the event to reflect that, as well as being meaningful and fulfilling. What I keep finding in the people I've talked to up until this point is that they seem to want to approach my first time the same way you'd approach a random drunk hook up after a night at a bar: Get to the sex and forget everything else. Maybe I'm just putting up too many hoops that need to be jumped through to be able to find the right guy?

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Hon, Craigslist is a Meat Market and not worth Anyone's time or safety. Keep looking, and avoid places that say you need to pay to join. There's too many other reputable places to go to find what you need. Try FetLife.com too. They have sections where you can search you own city or nearby areas that have folks looking for the same exact thing You are.
Have fun, explore, but play safe at All costs..:}
Cat

[Annika L]

Exploration without stress? Isn't that a bit like swimming without the water?

[Gearbox]

@CutiousCO - Sorry you met a complete tit. No, you don't put up too many hoops! Some will say and agree to anything just so they'll get you in the same room. They don't represent ALL who'd actually suit your wants. Sadly, the tits make it wise to be suspicious for all, and that's why many ask for pics. It's no ideal way to judge the honesty of a stranger, but it's something at least. There's one hookup site (Fabguys) that people can leave confirmations on profiles of people they met. That is a realy good way to 'research' potential hookups. You can message a *confirmer* and ask about Mr X. I've met some tits on there due to NOT taking advantage of that.lolMet many realy great & suitable blokes though. They ARE about.

[philly_john]

The site manhunt has many hookup invites and bisexual men. All sites have a risk, but you can be completely honest in your email and list your wants in your profile and get some hits. You can sign up for free, can post a pic of free, and send 10 email a day. If someone clicks you can use one of those store bought prepaid Visa cards to upgrade to a full membership.

if you vacation in a metro area, you might be able to find a monthly circle jerk. Then you don't have to worry about the anonymity.

whatever way, play safe, be honest to your partner, and enjoy.

[CuriousCO]

Hon, Craigslist is a Meat Market and not worth Anyone's time or safety. Keep looking, and avoid places that say you need to pay to join. There's too many other reputable places to go to find what you need. Try FetLife.com too. They have sections where you can search you own city or nearby areas that have folks looking for the same exact thing You are.
Have fun, explore, but play safe at All costs..:}
Cat

Sadly, I'm pretty sure the better part of the internet is a meat market... after all, that's why so many of those dating / hook-up sites are built around the ability to search through pictures of the people you're trying to meet. That way you can just pick out the ones that you're attracted to and then go from there. This can be a problem for someone like me, not only because I don't really find guys attractive, but also because I'm not exactly the pick of the litter, so even if I did find a guy I might like, there is a chance I'm not up to his standards... then again, that's something that plagues most of us from time to time.


Exploration without stress? Isn't that a bit like swimming without the water?

One can dream, can't they? :tongue:


@CutiousCO - Sorry you met a complete tit. No, you don't put up too many hoops! Some will say and agree to anything just so they'll get you in the same room. They don't represent ALL who'd actually suit your wants. Sadly, the tits make it wise to be suspicious for all, and that's why many ask for pics. It's no ideal way to judge the honesty of a stranger, but it's something at least. There's one hookup site (Fabguys) that people can leave confirmations on profiles of people they met. That is a realy good way to 'research' potential hookups. You can message a *confirmer* and ask about Mr X. I've met some tits on there due to NOT taking advantage of that.lolMet many realy great & suitable blokes though. They ARE about.

It's experiences like this that have made me refuse to participate in internet dating in my heterosexual life, but you can't exactly maintain anonymity while out in public trawling for a guy to hook up with, so that kind of forces me into this situation. With that being said, I'm not so sure that Fabguys seems like the right type of place for me. This is mostly because, while I do want someone with some experience, I don't want the village bicycle, so basing who I talk to on the responses that their previous conquests (or conquerors) is not something that's going to attract me to them much.


The site manhunt has many hookup invites and bisexual men. All sites have a risk, but you can be completely honest in your email and list your wants in your profile and get some hits. You can sign up for free, can post a pic of free, and send 10 email a day. If someone clicks you can use one of those store bought prepaid Visa cards to upgrade to a full membership.

if you vacation in a metro area, you might be able to find a monthly circle jerk. Then you don't have to worry about the anonymity.

whatever way, play safe, be honest to your partner, and enjoy.

I actually live in a metro area, so I doubt there is a shortage of guys to meet out there, its just going to be a matter of finding the right one while also maintaining that anonymity that I hold so dear. I don't think I'm going to pay for any kind of site services at this point. After all, I'd really hate to sink some money into something like that, only to have a horrible experience, or find that I just don't like it, and then regret having spent money, let alone leaving a paper trail...

[lizard-lix]

Just my own experience... When my wife was going to let me find a playpal (I have been out to her since before we married, but we have always been monogamous at her request and my agreement), I was faced with the same issues.. I did start friendships with several folks here, but they were too far away to hook up (though I keep hoping for one day)...

What did work for me was adultfreindfinder.com. I got a free account, put up some completely non identifying pics (no faces, just ahem... body parts... which is pretty common there), and to my complete amazement, I got about 10 hookup offers in a few days.

I created a separate e-mail account with all fictitious info, to make back tracking me as difficult as possible (it is truly not possible, but you can make it hard enough for the unskilled), and started to exchange mail with the ones who seemed to be a good possibility and politely begged off on the others.

I narrowed it down to one guy, who happened to live less than 2 miles away, is happily married like me, but was looking for some MM fun on the side (he and his wife had a don't ask, don't tell agreement, according to him, I was not thrilled with that, preferring complete openness). Like me, he had plenty of MM experience from his past, but had been playing straight and monogamous in public for a long time. He was also very concerned about exposure, so in addition to the seemingly good match in our tastes and preferences, we both wanted a low profile.

After several weeks of exchanging email, we arranged a dinner date far enough away from the home ground to be comfortable that we would not run into anyone who knew either of us and got together.

Unfortunately,when we met, the chemistry in person didn't work. While we were great in email, in person just didn't click. So at the end of dinner we mutually left it vaguely open, and each headed home. No harm, no foul, the plan had worked perfectly. I was not in any way concerned about exposure and I had gotten to go and had a good first date in comfort.

As it turned out, my wife had been so uncomfortable while I was gone that she rescinded the permission for me to have a playpal, and we have been working on other options since. Mostly we go to a swinger's club half a dozen times a year and if we meet a couple we both like and she is comfortable, we may play. So far we have met a few and had one date, that like my date with the guy was fine but not stellar, so we have more friends, but no playpals yet.

So, I wish you luck and I hope you find a connection method that works for you. FetLife, as mentioned above, may also be a good avenue, I have an account there, but I'm not looking for connections there so I just enjoy reading and the pics..

Cheers,

Liz

[stonebow]

That's a really tall order there, CC. I know I took some risks when I first began to explore. I was very lucky..the more so since I eventually found a bi woman who helped me both psychologically and practically by including me in HER circle of bi friends.

You have some conflicting points on your wish list that you will have to reconcile...or compromise. You are very protective of your privacy. You'll soon discover that most bi people are and they can be trusted not to out you. There are some people, gay and bi, who are very open about their orientation. Some, not all, of them can be a little judgmental believing that if you aren't out you're some kind of coward. You'll want to avoid them.

Anonymity can be both the greatest virtue and greatest failing of the internet. A person can be as candid or as dishonest as they like. That's why you should communicate extensively before meeting....the better to catch them in a lie, but also to get to know what they are really about. Generally I don't meet guys unless I've chatted online quite a bit and have a pretty good feel for who they are. That takes a lot of patience...sometimes weeks, even months, of chats before I'm willing to meet face to face. I'm pretty sure you're willing to make that kind of investment. Any guy you contact who's not willing to match your effort, delete their contact info and move on.

Since you claim you aren't attracted to men, the body/face shouldn't be a deal breaker in any encounter. That's in your favour ... if you're being honest with yourself. If you meet up with a man you genuinely liked from chatting online or emails, only to discover that the thought of actually touching this charming but plain looking fellow's cock leaves you cold, well...what can I say?

Experience is something that comes through online fairly accurately. A young guy who says he's got plenty is either lying or has been WAY too active for safety. An older guy with limited experience....a late bloomer, or someone just out of a long-term relationship... is probably your best bet. He'll know what he likes and doesn't like, may even have gained some particular expertise in some area that he can impart to you.

So that's my two cents worth...make of it what you will and I hope it helps.

[CuriousCO]

@lizard-lix, I've got to say, I'm quite envious of the fact that you have someone who was at least willing to entertain the idea of your sexuality. The girl I'm seeing currently, while not homophobic, would probably not understand or be able to cope. This is a big part of my desire for discretion... nothing like a random booty call text at 10:30PM to nuke a decent relationship.

@stonebow, you seem to be insinuating that I'm treading on dangerous ground here. I'd kinda gotten that impression already when one guy asked me for my "proof papers" and I had to go figure out what he meant. I'm not trying to get myself in trouble here, and if that's where I'm headed, I'm going to be hesitant to continue on this path. Also, while I am not really attracted to men, looks and body will still count for something. After all, I'm a sensual person, so I'm going to want to do a lot of foreplay type activities, which means I'm not just going to be focused on his penis, but his whole person. I certainly don't look at a man and find him attractive, but when I'm trying to masturbate looking at porn, I focus on the penis, but still imagine what it would be like to be with him. It's a strange dichotomy, I admit, but its kind of where I am right now.

With that all being said, I'm really trying hard to find someone who I mesh well with, and who doesn't put off a creepy or desperate vibe (for some reason a lot of people who have contacted me seemed just plain desperate, which is something I just don't understand), and who is willing to get to know me before pushing for a meeting. I have met some interesting guys already, but those interactions are only in the beginning stages, so I'm not sure where any of them will go, but I'm not trying to rush this. That being said, I have the guts worked up to try this NOW, and if things go like they have in the past, if I don't act on this soon, I'll get cold feet again and push all of this back into the back of my head until I start to work up the guts again some time in the future.

[CuriousCO]

So Fabguys seems to be only targeted at British Commonwealth countries, so no access to guys in the US. Fetlife, while it does have a lot of groups and people in my area, doesn't exactly provide a specific search feature, unless I'm just using the site wrong, and seems to rely heavily on fleshing out your profile with pics and personal information, which is the opposite of anonymity. I feel a little like I'm slowing sliding back to square one where my only options seem to be to go for pay sites like manhunt, or scoop the bottom of the barrel with Craigslist. Am I just going about this wrong by jealously guarding my identity so much?

[elian]

I know you are intent on finding a live human being but have you ever used toys on yourself? What do you think your lady would do if she found any of them?

[HotBiStudPhila]

My gf is against guys being bi and it's stressful.

[CuriousCO]

I know you are intent on finding a live human being but have you ever used toys on yourself? What do you think your lady would do if she found any of them?

Years ago, I did try that with another girlfriend's toys, but didn't enjoy it all that much. I have thought about it again, but I'd have to go and buy my own since I don't live with this girl and I doubt she'd be able to accept that I had my own toys. That all being said, I want to physicality of being with another person, not just something shaped like a part of one.


My gf is against guys being bi and it's stressful.

I'm starting to get concerned that I'm creating a double life that's going to cause me problems down the line. I care about this girl, so I don't want to break things off with her because of her position, but I'm also worried that if I am able to find someone to experiment with and I like it, I'm going to end up sneaking off every so often to essentially cheat on her with another man. This is part of the reason I feel like I need to do this now before things get too serious with this girl: I want to get at least some exploration in before I'm really committed to her so I can satisfy my curiosity without it posing too much of a threat to the future of that relationship. Even then, its still a difficult position to be in because I feel like I'm already sneaking around behind her back and being dishonest just to satisfy some urges that I could just as easily repress.

[Neils]

Bro I feel your pain. Been there. I stop short of RL experience with other men, but giving up isn't in the cards for me. I've had these feelings for most of my life, and only now coming to a headspace where I'm not gonna fight it anymore.


Years ago, I did try that with another girlfriend's toys, but didn't enjoy it all that much. I have thought about it again, but I'd have to go and buy my own since I don't live with this girl and I doubt she'd be able to accept that I had my own toys. That all being said, I want to physicality of being with another person, not just something shaped like a part of one.



I'm starting to get concerned that I'm creating a double life that's going to cause me problems down the line. I care about this girl, so I don't want to break things off with her because of her position, but I'm also worried that if I am able to find someone to experiment with and I like it, I'm going to end up sneaking off every so often to essentially cheat on her with another man. This is part of the reason I feel like I need to do this now before things get too serious with this girl: I want to get at least some exploration in before I'm really committed to her so I can satisfy my curiosity without it posing too much of a threat to the future of that relationship. Even then, its still a difficult position to be in because I feel like I'm already sneaking around behind her back and being dishonest just to satisfy some urges that I could just as easily repress.

[Neils]

Bro I feel your pain. Been there. I stop short of RL experience with other men, but giving up isn't in the cards for me. I've had these feelings for most of my life, and only now coming to a headspace where I'm not gonna fight it anymore. BTW I hit the wrong button and prematurely posted. I'm editing now to say what I really intended.

Craigslist is very tough. On top of what @Cat said, I found CL is also full of intolerant elistist trolls who are very fast, too fast to flag your post if you don't meet their posting standards. For example, if you are light on your stats/details in the post because you are concerned about revealing your secret identity, they'll flag you because they think you're being rude and not observing CL netiquette around giving more detail in order to get better replies. I'm really down on CL right now because of the zealotry over the CL Terms of Use. One of the reasons I came to this board. I haven't been banned from here yet, so far so good. :)


Years ago, I did try that with another girlfriend's toys, but didn't enjoy it all that much. I have thought about it again, but I'd have to go and buy my own since I don't live with this girl and I doubt she'd be able to accept that I had my own toys. That all being said, I want to physicality of being with another person, not just something shaped like a part of one.

Same here. I went ahead and bought my own. That was some stressful shopping, but I got what I wanted, and the toys make a big difference for me. make a secret stash in your mancave. Hopefully your gf isn't the type to go digging through your stuff? I had a gf like that in college-- turned out she was looking to see if I had a porn stash. (I did.) She would have been trippin' balls if I had a couple of dildos back and she found them (I didnt.) She would have blabbered it all over town, and then I would have been royally fucked and not in the good way.




I'm starting to get concerned that I'm creating a double life that's going to cause me problems down the line. I care about this girl, so I don't want to break things off with her because of her position, but I'm also worried that if I am able to find someone to experiment with and I like it, I'm going to end up sneaking off every so often to essentially cheat on her with another man. This is part of the reason I feel like I need to do this now before things get too serious with this girl: I want to get at least some exploration in before I'm really committed to her so I can satisfy my curiosity without it posing too much of a threat to the future of that relationship. Even then, its still a difficult position to be in because I feel like I'm already sneaking around behind her back and being dishonest just to satisfy some urges that I could just as easily repress.

I can see how repression might feel like best choice out of a field of bad options right now, but even you expect that it won't hold. Been there too. I've tried to repress but eventually the urges end up leaking out over time. I'm a free agent right now, so a GF's opinion is a non-issue at the moment. Bottom line: if want a woman in your life, and bisexuality is part of your DNA, then for your long term health and happiness you need to roll a hard six and find a woman who will really dig who you are and what you care about. I know...easier said than done. Seems kind of unfair to you that you care more about her than she would care about you if she knew your orientation. That, she has to change.

Now... I can't just leave you with steaming-sack-of-shit-bad-news advice. So here is some therapeutic comedic gold from Dr. Chris Rock. There are some gems here that directly apply to your problems, me and many the people on this board. CR probably didn't intend his message for the bi community, but it totally works. I'm cryin i'm laughin so hard.:cutelaugh
:cutelaugh:cutelaugh:cutelaugh
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lPesKyIhGZg

I really do hope you can work it out. I'll help any way I can, even if it's just trading posts to talk it out.

[Neils]

OP: one more idea. would a MF bi-couple be a viable option for safety and comfort? Or do you need your sexing to be MM only?

[ExSailor]

You are going to have to take some risks. That's life. Also stop being so deeply closeted. It is a major turn off to lots of people, and they will avoid you and not "play" with you or have sex with you because of it. For many men (myself included) if a guy cannot or will not meet in a public place first we have no interest at all in being with him.

[Neils]

You are going to have to take some risks. That's life. Also stop being so deeply closeted. It is a major turn off to lots of people, and they will avoid you and not "play" with you or have sex with you because of it. For many men (myself included) if a guy cannot or will not meet in a public place first we have no interest at all in being with him.

Easy to say if you're out. I'm deep in the closet, and I could give a shit if that turns off other people, those aren't the folks that I'd be around anyway. I can't speak for how much risk the OP is willing to take, but I'd rather spend my time seeking like minded people who can empathize with my values and privacy, instead of being told to get over myself.

I get that most who are out look back and say how happy they are now compared to closeted, and all that great happy stuff, but for me and possibly OP, that line between closeted and out looks like a wall of fire.

[CuriousCO]

Bro I feel your pain. Been there. I stop short of RL experience with other men, but giving up isn't in the cards for me. I've had these feelings for most of my life, and only now coming to a headspace where I'm not gonna fight it anymore.

I've only had these feelings for the last few years, so I can't quite relate to having a lifetime of desire and only just now deciding to do something about it, but getting cold feet and giving up is definitely a problem for me. I kinda feel like if it was something I was really supposed to do, it would come a lot easier than it seems to be. I know that's an unfair assessment, but that's the thought that keeps ringing around in my head every time I start looking for a guy (or a TS/CD... don't forget that's where I started for a long time before I accepted the likelihood of finding one was very low) and it doesn't go smoothly.


I'm really down on CL right now because of the zealotry over the CL Terms of Use.

Luckily, I never experienced this, even on nights where I REALLY wanted to get something going and posted 5-6 similar ads up within a few hours. Instead, I just never got anyone worth meeting. Either they were pushy / desperate, stopped responding after we exchanged pictures (I'm not in the best shape after all), or couldn't communicate in whole sentences, which is an automatic disqualifier for me.


I went ahead and bought my own. That was some stressful shopping, but I got what I wanted, and the toys make a big difference for me. make a secret stash in your mancave. Hopefully your gf isn't the type to go digging through your stuff?

I don't think she'd go looking for them, but things like that have a habit of surfacing over time without anyone actually looking for them. With that in mind, I don't feel like the reward for playing with them is really going to be worth the risk of having to explain them. Besides, I want them to be attached to a person and functional at this point, after all, hot man-meat, not cold rubber is what has me interested right now.


Bottom line: if want a woman in your life, and bisexuality is part of your DNA, then for your long term health and happiness you need to roll a hard six and find a woman who will really dig who you are and what you care about. I know...easier said than done. Seems kind of unfair to you that you care more about her than she would care about you if she knew your orientation. That, she has to change.

I don't actually know that bisexuality is part of my DNA at this point. I've just developed a desire to try some things over the last few years. I may get that first penis in my mouth and just plain hate it and never want to go back. Then again, I may love it and want to keep going. Either way, and at this point at least, I don't foresee myself being much more than incidentally or occasionally bi-sexual, so shutting down a potentially good relationship because of it doesn't really make sense to me. That all being said, I neither know for a fact that she wouldn't be able to handle it, after all, she is also incidentally bi-sexual (thank you society for sexual double standards), nor do I know that I will be with her for any appreciable length of time, so in the end, all the worry may be moot.


Now... I can't just leave you with steaming-sack-of-shit-bad-news advice. So here is some therapeutic comedic gold from Dr. Chris Rock. There are some gems here that directly apply to your problems, me and many the people on this board. CR probably didn't intend his message for the bi community, but it totally works. I'm cryin i'm laughin so hard.:cutelaugh
:cutelaugh:cutelaugh:cutelaugh
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lPesKyIhGZg

I really do hope you can work it out. I'll help any way I can, even if it's just trading posts to talk it out.

Lmao... I definitely have two levels of cum :tongue:


OP: one more idea. would a MF bi-couple be a viable option for safety and comfort? Or do you need your sexing to be MM only?

It's not something I've thought about much, but then again, I feel like that might just be adding more complexity into the situation. After all, then it would be a search for TWO people who I mesh well with, and with whom I'm mutually attracted to on some level, instead of just one, and I wouldn't even know how that would work in the end... Would it be a threesome where the guys play with each other as well as the girl?, would she watch (don't think I'd be comfortable with that, TBH)?, would she just not be a part of the endeavor, but exist in the background?

One thing that I should point out here that I don't think I've mentioned yet, and which is a big part of the reason this has been fairly difficult, is that I'm fairly sexually conservative. I'm not very adventurous in the bedroom, I believe strongly in serial monogamy rather than plural relationships (I've ended more than a few relationships after a couple of dates because the girl felt that we were still just dating and she could see other people), and I don't like the idea of cheating at all. While all of this might be good (or bad) for a monogamous hetero relationship, the idea of adding bi-sexual experimentation into the mix has me very conflicted emotionally. I almost feel like I'm cheating on my girl just by being here and writing this, but at the same time, I feel like if I'm going to do this experimentation, now is the time to do it before I get into a seriously committed relationship where I'd be forced to actually sneak around to do something about it.

Basically though, the idea of finding a bi couple to play with, while enticing on one level because it would mesh the hetero aspect of my sexuality, which is much more prominent, with the bi aspect of my sexuality (plus the idea of a girl showing me how to do it, as has been brought up in another thread, seems more approachable for some reason), presents the added emotional conflict of me actually cheating on my girlfriend with another girl rather than just experimenting with another guy, which is still cheating, but feels like a lot less of a violation of our relationship. I know its a complicated point of view with a lot of contradictory statements, but what about emotions is simple?


You are going to have to take some risks. That's life. Also stop being so deeply closeted. It is a major turn off to lots of people, and they will avoid you and not "play" with you or have sex with you because of it. For many men (myself included) if a guy cannot or will not meet in a public place first we have no interest at all in being with him.


Easy to say if you're out. I'm deep in the closet, and I could give a shit if that turns off other people, those aren't the folks that I'd be around anyway. I can't speak for how much risk the OP is willing to take, but I'd rather spend my time seeking like minded people who can empathize with my values and privacy, instead of being told to get over myself.

I get that most who are out look back and say how happy they are now compared to closeted, and all that great happy stuff, but for me and possibly OP, that line between closeted and out looks like a wall of fire.

@ExSailor, what he said... If my desire for being discreet and "closeted" is a turn off to someone, then they are not the right person for me. Simply put, and at this point, I'd rather repress these urges and never act upon them for the rest of my life than risk making them public. Sure that may change with time, and then again, it may not, but if that's the only way to make things happen, then nothing will ever happen.

[Neils]

Sounds like you've talked through a more complete picture of what you care about and what you struggle with. Sometimes writing it out can help sort things out, but you've got a tough one there.

Looks like it comes down to you making some decisions if you want to move foward in any direction:
1. put the bi-curiousity to rest for now and work on the traditional relationship with your gf
2. experiment on the side while things are still early in this relationship

Who knows what you'll find out, but no matter which path you take, you'll learn something new...and that new info will help you chart your next steps, which will uncover more info, etc..

ExSailor does have a point about taking risks, in that if you want to resolve anything you'll have to act and take some risks. if you choose path 1, the risk is that you repress your bi feelings, which may cause other stresses, or it might not. If you choose path 2, your actions will conflict to some degree with your moral code, or you might find your moral code a bit more accommodating than you originally thought. the best part is the actions are under your control and the only reactions you have to deal with are your own. Use that feedback loop to adjust your path and move forward in a direction that works better for you. lather rinse repeat. :)

[ExSailor]

Neils and CuriousCO-Just come out already. Nobody is going to care.

[MyTimeNow]

If you're insistent on using Craigslist, then you just need to keep posting (not multiposting as a lot on there do - because then it's spam) and just be able to communicate with guys first. I've been posting on and off on that site for 3 years and most of the time I get garbage back - but every so often, I'll find someone REAL, safe, clean, and normal. A lot depends on who's on the site and when. It also depends on how well written your ad is - because there are so many written with very little information (those guys who want to get it on within 3 emails have no regards to their own health should tell you something). I'm not saying to write a book, but something that stands out a little. I don't know how Colorado's CL is, but here in NY the ads are generally the same people over and over and over again and that has pretty much ruined the site. Still though, I consider it more like fishing and I'll place an ad every now and then and once in a while I'll get a "bite" aka a decent, normal, real response. Just have to have a little patience. I currently have plans to get together with someone from the last ad I placed - a month ago. Before that, it's been almost 2 years since I last had an encounter. Why, because I'm careful, discrete, and safe and won't just go for anything just to get off. There's others like you on that site - it's just finding them among all the crap that's the problem. And as another user said, if they won't even meet you in public, then they're just not worth it. A lot of people lie on that site and there's a lot of pic collectors. Use caution.

The only other alternatives would be going to a club, signing up on a site like Adam4Adam, or even here. You can still keep your anonymity but you're just going to need patience. You'll eventually find someone.

[CuriousCO]

Sounds like you've talked through a more complete picture of what you care about and what you struggle with. Sometimes writing it out can help sort things out, but you've got a tough one there.

Looks like it comes down to you making some decisions if you want to move foward in any direction:
1. put the bi-curiousity to rest for now and work on the traditional relationship with your gf
2. experiment on the side while things are still early in this relationship

Who knows what you'll find out, but no matter which path you take, you'll learn something new...and that new info will help you chart your next steps, which will uncover more info, etc..

ExSailor does have a point about taking risks, in that if you want to resolve anything you'll have to act and take some risks. if you choose path 1, the risk is that you repress your bi feelings, which may cause other stresses, or it might not. If you choose path 2, your actions will conflict to some degree with your moral code, or you might find your moral code a bit more accommodating than you originally thought. the best part is the actions are under your control and the only reactions you have to deal with are your own. Use that feedback loop to adjust your path and move forward in a direction that works better for you. lather rinse repeat. :)

The issue still seems to be a lack of progress on finding someone to experiment with. The longer this process goes on, the less likely I am to pursue it because on some level, I'm starting to feel like finding a guy to play with a couple of times just shouldn't be so hard. I do care that all of this might conflict with my moral code, and also with the future of my hetero relationship, and those conflicts are at least part of whats dragging me down. After all, there is a big difference between some spur of the moment exploration and a long, drawn out, pre-meditated cheating session, at least in my mind. To be perfectly honest, this has already gone on longer than any other attempt to explore in the past, and I'm reaching the limits of my ability to keep pushing it forward.


Neils and CuriousCO-Just come out already. Nobody is going to care.

It's out of fear of meeting someone like you that I'm so interested in anonymity. I don't think you'd out me on purpose, but your cavalier attitude towards my privacy means you'd probably not guard it nearly well enough to keep my secret secret until I would be ready to sha


If you're insistent on using Craigslist, then you just need to keep posting (not multiposting as a lot on there do - because then it's spam) and just be able to communicate with guys first. I've been posting on and off on that site for 3 years and most of the time I get garbage back - but every so often, I'll find someone REAL, safe, clean, and normal. A lot depends on who's on the site and when. It also depends on how well written your ad is - because there are so many written with very little information (those guys who want to get it on within 3 emails have no regards to their own health should tell you something). I'm not saying to write a book, but something that stands out a little. I don't know how Colorado's CL is, but here in NY the ads are generally the same people over and over and over again and that has pretty much ruined the site. Still though, I consider it more like fishing and I'll place an ad every now and then and once in a while I'll get a "bite" aka a decent, normal, real response. Just have to have a little patience. I currently have plans to get together with someone from the last ad I placed - a month ago. Before that, it's been almost 2 years since I last had an encounter. Why, because I'm careful, discrete, and safe and won't just go for anything just to get off. There's others like you on that site - it's just finding them among all the crap that's the problem. And as another user said, if they won't even meet you in public, then they're just not worth it. A lot of people lie on that site and there's a lot of pic collectors. Use caution.

The only other alternatives would be going to a club, signing up on a site like Adam4Adam, or even here. You can still keep your anonymity but you're just going to need patience. You'll eventually find someone.

I'm not insistent on using CL, in fact I really don't like it at all because of the generally low quality of people answering ads there. That being said, if I make a posting, I can count on at least 5 replies, crappy as they may be, which is something that can't be said for any other source I've found so far in my search. As time goes on and my resolve to accomplish this whole endeavor erodes away, that immediacy is getting more and more attractive. The question I guess is going to be whether I get desperate enough to try something with someone from there before I get so turned off of the idea that I give up again for a while.

[Gary59]

Hi, I must say that your blog hit home in many, many ways. Everything you described in your original post and in the answers to other person's replies rings true in my own heart. I wish we were closer in age, as I know you are looking for someone closer to your own age. I too have all the same feelings and desires as you, including the frustration of knowing where to even look for that right person. It seems like there are a few people out there but they always seem to be quite a distance away for any real chance of things working like I would want. What I am looking for is someone who I can be friends with as much as playmates. I feel like having a solid friendship would only enhance other things and provide for a more relaxed atmosphere. I have tried Craigslist and find that the majority of people who reply to a post are in such a hurry to get in bed that it becomes an instant turn off. I want to be able to take things slow and truly enjoy all aspects of what I believe will be a wonderful adventure. Because of that, I am not just willing to settle for just anyone but would rather wait for someone who feels much like myself, someone that will make it as enjoyable as it deserves. There are times that I feel like my search is in vain and quite often feel like I should just stop trying but like you I also feel like it would create problems later on. I know I will never really feel complete unless I give this a chance. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in how you feel and to also Thank You for putting those feelings into words. I wish you much luck in finding someone who can give you what you are looking for. I know with patience, someday both of our dreams can come true. Thanks again,and Best Wishes to you.

[ExSailor]

It's out of fear of meeting someone like you that I'm so interested in anonymity. I don't think you'd out me on purpose, but your cavalier attitude towards my privacy means you'd probably not guard it nearly well enough to keep my secret secret until I would be ready to sha Personal privacy and anonimity is an illusion. If you think that nobody knows you are bisexual or that you are not heterosexual you are mistaken. The stress you will have living a double life, living in the closet or being "discreet" is remidied by just coming out.

[jem_is_bi]

Personal privacy and anonimity is an illusion. If you think that nobody knows you are bisexual or that you are not heterosexual you are mistaken. The stress you will have living a double life, living in the closet or being "discreet" is remidied by just coming out.

That depends on your definition of privacy and anonymity. We all have thresholds that define what is acceptable for our lives. I am not "out" if it means going out of my way to tell all about my sex life to everyone. I live live exactly how I want and need to live it, regardless of who knows what. To me, that is the definition of discreet and staying anonymous.

[CuriousCO]

Personal privacy and anonimity is an illusion. If you think that nobody knows you are bisexual or that you are not heterosexual you are mistaken. The stress you will have living a double life, living in the closet or being "discreet" is remidied by just coming out.

I think I'll take my chances with the double life...

[ExSailor]

CuriousCO=That's your personal choice but don't think for a minute that nobody knows that you are bisexual or not heterosexual.

[tenni]

CuriousCO=That's your personal choice but don't think for a minute that nobody knows that you are bisexual or not heterosexual.

Post 26? "Neils and CuriousCO-Just come out already. Nobody is going to care."

Most people do not really care about another person's sexuality unless they are sexually involved with them.

Why is it so important to you (Ex) personally whether a person is public about their sexuality? You seem to be in pain.

Tell us your story Ex Saylor in a new thread about how you became so angry and intolerant towards bisexuals who are not "just like you".

[ExSailor]

Post 26? "Neils and CuriousCO-Just come out already. Nobody is going to care." Most people do not really care about another person's sexuality unless they are sexually involved with them. Why is it so important to you (Ex) personally whether a person is public about their sexuality? You seem to be in pain. Tell us your story Ex Saylor in a new thread about how you became so angry and intolerant towards bisexuals who are not "just like you". Why not follow your own advice first and write a new thread about yourself? ;) Unlike you I am not angry or intolerant of other bisexuals at all. Did you even read my posts, and understand them?

[Patrick43]

what if someone you contact is afraid of their identity as well? Trust. What if you see someone in a store, and you know you have been with them before? They see you, and they remember you as well. What happens? I will tell you. Nothing. I have been there, and done that. discretion works both ways.

Craigslist ain't the best place to find, but there are actually a few genuine people out there that literally just want to play safely. And a bunch-a nutcases.

So, if you are looking for a safe discrete encounter I would let you play with a 51 year old penis if you want to.

Stress? Butterflies in you? Let me tell ya something. That is part of the fun of it. Meeting someone and trusting them, and they meeting and trusting you.

Set your limits, meet someone even if it is only a "show and tell" session.

[zigzig]

Watched that Chris Rock video as well. Gosh, so funny and correct.:tongue:

[wetnude]

For me I have been able to find other guys looking for mm experiances at remote nude swimming areas and an adult cinema. No strings atached and no questions asked. At these places guys are able to find like minded men toexperience oral sex and mutual masturbation. Its all good.

[CuriousCO]

CuriousCO=That's your personal choice but don't think for a minute that nobody knows that you are bisexual or not heterosexual.

And if they know, they know more than me at this point and have chosen to keep it quiet. I see no need to share it with anyone until I'm sure myself, and even then, maybe never.


what if someone you contact is afraid of their identity as well? Trust. What if you see someone in a store, and you know you have been with them before? They see you, and they remember you as well. What happens? I will tell you. Nothing. I have been there, and done that. discretion works both ways.

Craigslist ain't the best place to find, but there are actually a few genuine people out there that literally just want to play safely. And a bunch-a nutcases.

So, if you are looking for a safe discrete encounter I would let you play with a 51 year old penis if you want to.

Stress? Butterflies in you? Let me tell ya something. That is part of the fun of it. Meeting someone and trusting them, and they meeting and trusting you.

Set your limits, meet someone even if it is only a "show and tell" session.

Herein lies the problem... I've got more than one gay friend that was outed by running into a sex partner in the wrong situation and it caused a world of hurt on them. That's a big part of the vetting process to me: identifying someone who I could trust with such a secret and who would just keep on walking if they saw me in a store. I'm not looking for a new best friend here, as is the case for some people I've talked to privately. While its important to have a connection, I don't think I'll be willing to go out for a coffee with my playmate... What I want is strictly private interaction. I'm guessing my limits are too restrictive to accomplish my goals, and that's got me reevaluating this whole mess.


For me I have been able to find other guys looking for mm experiances at remote nude swimming areas and an adult cinema. No strings atached and no questions asked. At these places guys are able to find like minded men toexperience oral sex and mutual masturbation. Its all good.

Those might be great ways to find someone, but they are the opposite of discrete and definitely not the safest encounters. My thinking is that's the real world equivalent of Craigslist, you might meet someone easily, but the issues you're potentially going to have are going to be much worse than if you were to properly vet your partners.

[Gearbox]

I'm beggining to wonder if you'd be relaxed enough to have sex if it came along. Those few outed gays are just racking up your paranoia. That's nowhere near common IMO. How many aproach hookups in public and announce they've 'done em'? You'd most prob get a "Hello" if that! I know plenty of gays who've just said a casual "Hello" to their regulars in public and were blanked though. That's not nice at all. It's pretty shitty IMO. ALL due to paranoia and insecurity. I think most of us go through that and it's a twat! Find someone as paranoid (non-local) so you can both relax with each other. Hopefully it will ease off with time and experience, and you'll feel a whole lot better.

[darkeyes]

Those might be great ways to find someone, but they are the opposite of discrete and definitely not the safest encounters. My thinking is that's the real world equivalent of Craigslist, you might meet someone easily, but the issues you're potentially going to have are going to be much worse than if you were to properly vet your partners.If every1 vetted ther partners I suspect the human race wud die out.. ther wud certainly b a lot less spontaneous, spur of the moment, breathless rumpy.. casual sex wud b thing of the past... some wud say quite right an' all..

It is arguable whether things wud be better if we were to vet potential partners... happens more and more in life and yet relationships crack up and wives get beaten, hubbies 2 for that matter.. peeps sleep around just as much prob as in relationships and peeps just end up loathing each other for whatever reason just as much I suspect as where peeps just take a chance and get to know peeps the old fashioned way... personally I like the old fashioned way for both friendship and lovers.. my partner was won the old fashioned way more or less (and lost for a time but won again am glad 2 say).. big success so far really ... we learn as we go along... it's an adventure and I luff the adventure... wot adventure is ther in coldly vetting peeps? Sounds like unnecessary waste of dosh 2 me...

[ExSailor]

And if they know, they know more than me at this point and have chosen to keep it quiet. I see no need to share it with anyone until I'm sure myself, and even then, maybe never. Herein lies the problem... I've got more than one gay friend that was outed by running into a sex partner in the wrong situation and it caused a world of hurt on them. That's a big part of the vetting process to me: identifying someone who I could trust with such a secret and who would just keep on walking if they saw me in a store. I'm not looking for a new best friend here, as is the case for some people I've talked to privately. While its important to have a connection, I don't think I'll be willing to go out for a coffee with my playmate... What I want is strictly private interaction. I'm guessing my limits are too restrictive to accomplish my goals, and that's got me reevaluating this whole mess. Those might be great ways to find someone, but they are the opposite of discrete and definitely not the safest encounters. My thinking is that's the real world equivalent of Craigslist, you might meet someone easily, but the issues you're potentially going to have are going to be much worse than if you were to properly vet your partners. Oh noes! Heaven forbid you have to actually go out, meet people, and interact with them in person and not via a computer! :rolleyes: Even if the perfect man or woman for you did come along it would not be surprising if you rejected him or her automatically. Eventually you are going to have to tell someone who you date, sleep with, or get into a LTR with that you are bisexual. You are going to have to get out and actually meet someone if you want to have sex with them. Craigslist and the internet are not the best places to be looking for people anyway. Try going to an LGBT bar, dance club, or a place where LGBT people hang out socially if you do not drink as many cities and even small towns have cafes that are LGBT themed or LGBT friendly. I agree with others that you are way too paranoid about the idea of a man who you are a sexual partner of seeing you in public. They will just say hello and be friendly it is not as though they are going to say things like "Oh man I loved fucking you up your loose sloppy ass last week and having you suck my dick and cumming in your mouth was such fun!" This is one reason why my husband and I have nothing to do with men who are deeply closeted and when we were single we did not date them or even sleep with them since they were way too much effort, did not even treat you as a person if you saw each other in public, and way too paranoid.

[The Black Knights]

Exploring one's bisexuality (especially if you are a man (of color) in my opinion) will never be stress-free. Sorry. Nor is it easy, even in a bigger city. My suggestions for such is below based on my experience (I have not read all of the posts in this thread, so forgive me if I miss something or repeat something someone else already said):

1. Do not broadcast your bisexuality to just anyone. Only people you are very close to and can trust and do so in person (no paper or email trail). Not everyone needs to know your business outside of work/school or at home.
2. Be totally sure you want to be bisexual (meaning be fully intimate with the same AND the opposite sex, not necessarily at the same time!) before you start replying to such. Being curious means you really want to try doing it. If your heart, body and soul is not behind it, don't do it. Get professional counseling if you need it.
3. If you respond to someone's ad on CL or wherever, use a alternate email account used just for that purpose and nothing else. There are a lot of scammers, haters identity thieves or worse out there. Be careful. If it seems fake or shady, leave it alone!
4. NEVER send a face pic (or a nude body pic, especially if you have tattoos or other unique identifying marks on it) unless you are sure of the identity of the recipient. Photos in ads can be faked or stolen EASILY. Better you see the recipient in person and verify all info first. You can strip and do a nude photo later if you and they want. Or do one and make sure it doesn't show such things beforehand (that is what cropping is for!).
5. If you meet in person, meet in a public place first, get the vibe of the other person(s) before agreeing to go to their place or a hotel. Do not take them to your home without being sure of their intentions (especially if you don't live alone). Better to pay for a hotel room on the first (few) meeting if it comes to that, than take unnecessary risks. Haters can take all forms!
6. If you are involved with another person and you want to explore this, TELL HIM/HER before trying to do this. Be honest. If he or she cannot handle such...and you still want to do this, even at the risk of ending your current relationship, do what feels right, but be nice about it. Just be aware of the consequences before you do it (especially if kids and/or a marriage are involved). Weigh it all carefully (especially if you are over 40, have a good family life, career and so on).
6a. If your current partner is cool with your exploration, keep him/her in the know. You do not have to give the play-by-play, but give general info, so they know your feelings as you progress down this road. If your partner decides to do the same (or is already doing so), be just as supportive. Doing it together would be a bonus and it could strengthen your relationship too (and that must ALWAYS come first!). Let that be known!
7. Always play safe! Condoms and other protection do not cost that much versus the alternatives! They may save your life! Disclose medical issues beforehand to all involve and demand reciprocation.
8. Relax and have FUN exploring! Keep a diary to remember things. Always watch your back. Always.

[CurEUs_Male]

Just an additional caution... About photo's
newer cameras and cell phones have the ability to embed GPS data. This goes WITH The photo! If you send someone a picture of your face or nude body, and it falls into cyberspace, people can see where you were when you took the photo, and if it was 'private' in your home at 123 Main Street, you may end up outing yourself or worse, having undesireable drive by or stop by!

Turn of location services if you plan to post pics anywhere they might be shared (even face book!).

[ExSailor]

Exploring one's bisexuality (especially if you are a man (of color) in my opinion) will never be stress-free. Sorry. Nor is it easy, even in a bigger city. My suggestions for such is below based on my experience (I have not read all of the posts in this thread, so forgive me if I miss something or repeat something someone else already said): That is total bullshit. I know a lot of out bisexual and gay men who are black/African American and they are perfectly fine with their sexuality. Yes it is easier in a large city and even in some small towns since there are groups and events for black/AA LGBT people including groups specifically for bisexual and gay black men. Just because you are closeted or DL (down low) that does not mean that black/African American bisexual and gay men as whole are or that even most are and that it's impossible for a bi or gay black man to be accepted or comfortable with his sexuality.

[tenni]

"Yes it is easier in a large city and even in some small towns since there are groups and events for black/AA LGBT people including groups specifically for bisexual and gay black men."

What are the names and e contacts for groups specifically for bisexual black men?

[ExSailor]

"Yes it is easier in a large city and even in some small towns since there are groups and events for black/AA LGBT people including groups specifically for bisexual and gay black men." What are the names and e contacts for groups specifically for bisexual black men? UTFSE. Google is your friend. :rolleyes: Or better yet actually get out and get involved in your local LGBT community and you will easily be able to find groups like this for bisexual and gay black men or "people of color".

[tenni]

Thanks Ex but not everyone is a gay advocate like yourself and is interested in their local LGBT gay control group. Google does work though.

[CuriousCO]

I'm beggining to wonder if you'd be relaxed enough to have sex if it came along. Those few outed gays are just racking up your paranoia. That's nowhere near common IMO. How many aproach hookups in public and announce they've 'done em'? You'd most prob get a "Hello" if that! I know plenty of gays who've just said a casual "Hello" to their regulars in public and were blanked though. That's not nice at all. It's pretty shitty IMO. ALL due to paranoia and insecurity. I think most of us go through that and it's a twat! Find someone as paranoid (non-local) so you can both relax with each other. Hopefully it will ease off with time and experience, and you'll feel a whole lot better.

It's not so much a concern about being blatantly outed like that, but getting a hello in public from someone your GF doesn't know prompts difficult questions. Questions I'd rather not have to answer...


If every1 vetted ther partners I suspect the human race wud die out.. ther wud certainly b a lot less spontaneous, spur of the moment, breathless rumpy.. casual sex wud b thing of the past... some wud say quite right an' all..

It is arguable whether things wud be better if we were to vet potential partners... happens more and more in life and yet relationships crack up and wives get beaten, hubbies 2 for that matter.. peeps sleep around just as much prob as in relationships and peeps just end up loathing each other for whatever reason just as much I suspect as where peeps just take a chance and get to know peeps the old fashioned way... personally I like the old fashioned way for both friendship and lovers.. my partner was won the old fashioned way more or less (and lost for a time but won again am glad 2 say).. big success so far really ... we learn as we go along... it's an adventure and I luff the adventure... wot adventure is ther in coldly vetting peeps? Sounds like unnecessary waste of dosh 2 me...

You bring up a good point when thinking about relationships, but I'm not looking for a relationship, I'm looking for someone to help me experience a few very specific things so I can decide whether I like them or not. Because of this, I think vetting is the right way to go, even if it means I find nobody.


Oh noes! Heaven forbid you have to actually go out, meet people, and interact with them in person and not via a computer! :rolleyes: Even if the perfect man or woman for you did come along it would not be surprising if you rejected him or her automatically. Eventually you are going to have to tell someone who you date, sleep with, or get into a LTR with that you are bisexual. You are going to have to get out and actually meet someone if you want to have sex with them. Craigslist and the internet are not the best places to be looking for people anyway. Try going to an LGBT bar, dance club, or a place where LGBT people hang out socially if you do not drink as many cities and even small towns have cafes that are LGBT themed or LGBT friendly. I agree with others that you are way too paranoid about the idea of a man who you are a sexual partner of seeing you in public. They will just say hello and be friendly it is not as though they are going to say things like "Oh man I loved fucking you up your loose sloppy ass last week and having you suck my dick and cumming in your mouth was such fun!" This is one reason why my husband and I have nothing to do with men who are deeply closeted and when we were single we did not date them or even sleep with them since they were way too much effort, did not even treat you as a person if you saw each other in public, and way too paranoid.

Lets put it this way, someday I MAY go to a club / bar / hangout as you describe, but only after I've properly established that I really am bisexual. At this point, I'm only curious, and pushing myself to jump in head first is not going to help anything. As it stands, the chances that I will go to a public place to meet someone to experiment with are about a 1 in 1,000,000,000.


Exploring one's bisexuality (especially if you are a man (of color) in my opinion) will never be stress-free. Sorry. Nor is it easy, even in a bigger city. My suggestions for such is below based on my experience (I have not read all of the posts in this thread, so forgive me if I miss something or repeat something someone else already said):

1. Do not broadcast your bisexuality to just anyone. Only people you are very close to and can trust and do so in person (no paper or email trail). Not everyone needs to know your business outside of work/school or at home.
2. Be totally sure you want to be bisexual (meaning be fully intimate with the same AND the opposite sex, not necessarily at the same time!) before you start replying to such. Being curious means you really want to try doing it. If your heart, body and soul is not behind it, don't do it. Get professional counseling if you need it.
3. If you respond to someone's ad on CL or wherever, use a alternate email account used just for that purpose and nothing else. There are a lot of scammers, haters identity thieves or worse out there. Be careful. If it seems fake or shady, leave it alone!
4. NEVER send a face pic (or a nude body pic, especially if you have tattoos or other unique identifying marks on it) unless you are sure of the identity of the recipient. Photos in ads can be faked or stolen EASILY. Better you see the recipient in person and verify all info first. You can strip and do a nude photo later if you and they want. Or do one and make sure it doesn't show such things beforehand (that is what cropping is for!).
5. If you meet in person, meet in a public place first, get the vibe of the other person(s) before agreeing to go to their place or a hotel. Do not take them to your home without being sure of their intentions (especially if you don't live alone). Better to pay for a hotel room on the first (few) meeting if it comes to that, than take unnecessary risks. Haters can take all forms!
6. If you are involved with another person and you want to explore this, TELL HIM/HER before trying to do this. Be honest. If he or she cannot handle such...and you still want to do this, even at the risk of ending your current relationship, do what feels right, but be nice about it. Just be aware of the consequences before you do it (especially if kids and/or a marriage are involved). Weigh it all carefully (especially if you are over 40, have a good family life, career and so on).
6a. If your current partner is cool with your exploration, keep him/her in the know. You do not have to give the play-by-play, but give general info, so they know your feelings as you progress down this road. If your partner decides to do the same (or is already doing so), be just as supportive. Doing it together would be a bonus and it could strengthen your relationship too (and that must ALWAYS come first!). Let that be known!
7. Always play safe! Condoms and other protection do not cost that much versus the alternatives! They may save your life! Disclose medical issues beforehand to all involve and demand reciprocation.
8. Relax and have FUN exploring! Keep a diary to remember things. Always watch your back. Always.

Advice like this definitely steers me away from pursuing this endeavor. If its really that dangerous, I see no reason to keep going, especially if I'm only curious and not really committed to bisexuality.

[ExSailor]

Thanks Ex but not everyone is a gay advocate like yourself and is interested in their local LGBT gay control group. Google does work though. Local LGBT community groups are not "gay control" groups. Your blatant homophobia is showing again from deep in the closet. There are groups for bisexual black/African American men and women but one only needs to do as I suggested to find them. CuriousCO-You are not in any sort of danger by coming out. It's not like you are living in Jamaica or the Caribbean, a certain African country, or the Middle East. You might as well just accept that you are bisexual since you will save yourself a lot of confusion and be better in the longrun for doing this.

[CuriousCO]

Local LGBT community groups are not "gay control" groups. Your blatant homophobia is showing again from deep in the closet. There are groups for bisexual black/African American men and women but one only needs to do as I suggested to find them. CuriousCO-You are not in any sort of danger by coming out. It's not like you are living in Jamaica or the Caribbean, a certain African country, or the Middle East. You might as well just accept that you are bisexual since you will save yourself a lot of confusion and be better in the longrun for doing this.

I will accept that I'm bisexual when I've had a chance to explore a little and found that my sexual interest in the penis is not superfluous. That being said, I still probably won't just come out and say that I'm bisexual.

EDIT: I should also point out that I couldn't give two hoots about whether or not you or anyone else is willing to interact with me or accept where I am in my sexual exploration. If you choose not to interact with me because I refuse to "come out" then I just as well don't need to interact with you because you don't accept me as I am...

[Patrick43]

This thread is getting pretty fun.

CuriousCO, for what it is worth... I have met a young man whom I had sex with 20 years later. We both knew what we had done, and behaved in a exactly professional way. Robert did most certainly not blurt out for all to hear "Patrick is a fag". I would never do the same for him. We had our fun years ago, nobody got hurt. years later when I decided that I still liked playing with guys I must be a bi (sometimes, more gay, sometimes more straight). I have encountered a few people and had a little NSA fun. Nobody has (that I know of) spilled the beans and made it known that Patrick will take his pants down for anything... I also don't remember being exactly screened. One time, I met a dude who didn't want to play with me, and another time I met a guy I really didn't want to play with. We left, and that was that.

You simply meet someone on open turf and if it clicks and you go thru with it. Good for you. However, don't take it hard if someone turns you down for whatever reason. They have their reasons as well. For instance, this evening I was contacted back from a guy on CL, he very nicely mentioned that he smokes and likes 420. Not a total deal breaker (I don't smoke anything) but a turn off for me to be dealing with the stink. Same thing I feel about the guys with the poppers. Next time I see that I am gonna walk out. That stuff turns me off!

Lots of luck guy. My offer still stands, PM me, and set it up. Find a location where you would be comfortable. You can play with my body and see if you like playin' with another dude. Rest assured that upon completion of the "meeting" I will go my way, and you can go yours. Then you can think this thru. If you liked it, you might be willing to do it again. The second time is more fun. Far less stressful with the same person. You know what you already did and are more relaxed about it.

[tenni]

Ex

We are off topic.
People who disagree with you are not homophobic because they disagree with you. If you have read the San Francisco Human Rights Commission Report on Bi Invisibility then you know that GLBT organizations do exclude bisexuals and have not had appropriate representation on their boards nor appropriate support programmes in ratio to the numbers of bisexuals compared to gay people. Not all organizations in every area but a significant amount. You do seem to protest and accuse others far too much to have much credibility on this site.

PS You still have not told us what bisexual rights that you have fought for and how such a battle differed from gay rights?

[ExSailor]

Ex We are off topic. People who disagree with you are not homophobic because they disagree with you. If you have read the San Francisco Human Rights Commission Report on Bi Invisibility then you know that GLBT organizations do exclude bisexuals and have not had appropriate representation on their boards nor appropriate support programmes in ratio to the numbers of bisexuals compared to gay people. Not all organizations in every area but a significant amount. You do seem to protest and accuse others far too much to have much credibility on this site. PS You still have not told us what bisexual rights that you have fought for and how such a battle differed from gay rights? Nice try. I'm not falling for your bait when you are a troll and one of the least credible people here. If you are interested in reading about what I have done for bisexuals and our community UTFSE as I have written about it here before. No Tenni you are just plain homophobic, and you offer nothing constructive or realistic on what bisexuals should do all while staying deeply closeted.

[tenni]

Ex
You should adhere to rule two. You seem to be constantly flaming posters with your accusations of being homophobic. Since there are no posts from Ex in the past two months supporting his opinion, I will take the position that since you will not disclose what you have done for bisexual rights that differs from gay rights that you are bullshitting. As far as you offering constructive comments or acting in a troll like manner to take threads off topic...well evidence is ample.

[ExSailor]

Tenni my activism happened long before most people or the general public knew about the internet, and it had to do with things that no deeply closeted person such as a wannabe "artist" troll online will ever do namely coming out as bisexual, writing articles that were published in newspapers and magazines about bisexuality, organizing bisexual men and women for a discussion group about bisexuality, speaking at conferences about bisexuality, marching in pride parades, and going on the radio and speaking about bisexuality.

[darkeyes]

Tenni my activism happened long before most people or the general public knew about the internet, and it had to do with things that no deeply closeted person such as a wannabe "artist" troll online will ever do namely coming out as bisexual, writing articles that were published in newspapers and magazines about bisexuality, organizing bisexual men and women for a discussion group about bisexuality, speaking at conferences about bisexuality, marching in pride parades, and going on the radio and speaking about bisexuality.
Well... all I can say, Popeye, is that if the quality, coherence, depth, compassion, tolerance, understanding, constructiveness and style of ur press and magazine articles, speeches, group discussions, conference input and radio interviews match that displayed by your contributions on this site, I very much doubt that they contributed much to the progress that either bisexuals specifically or the lgbt generally have made in the last 40 or 50 years... tenni can and does get people's backs up there is no doubt about it.. we all can and do on occasion...but then, hun... he is in very good company on that score...

[tenni]

Well, EX

Good for you in your Pride parades of the past fighting for equal rights for gays and lesbians!

Certainly, you are able to give us one bisexual right that is not a gay right?

How about the right for bisexuals to chose who they share their sexuality with? That is a bisexual right that most on this site support.


Did you let it pass that bisexuals were not represented on GLBT organizations Boards in proportion to their dominate numbers?

Did you support programmes specifically for bisexuals within GLBT organizations?

Did you champion and argue with the G&L majority numbers on these Boards who said that bisexual needs are being met by gay support programming?

Did you/do you fight for more LGBT organizational programming for bisexual women who are at the greatest risk of depression and suicide?(followed by bisexual men..then much smaller percentages of gays and lesbians today)

Did you fight for meeting spaces away from the GLBT organization buildings for bisexual men who are uncomfortable going to these organizations? or scream that they are closet queens?

Otherwise, you seem like a gay activist and not a bisexual activist. Then again, maybe you were unaware of the inequality?

Going on the radio and speaking about bisexuals like you post on this site with the hatred towards the majority of how bisexuals chose to live their life is not being a bisexual activist. Your posts seem more like the thoughts of a biphobic, gay male?

[ExSailor]

Well, EX Certainly, you are able to give us one bisexual right that is not a gay right? How about the right for bisexuals to chose who they share their sexuality with? That is a bisexual right that most on this site support. Good for you in your Pride parades of the past fighting for equal rights for gays and lesbians! Did you let it pass that bisexuals were not represented on GLBT organizations Boards in proportion to their dominate numbers? Did you support programmes specifically for bisexuals within GLBT organizations? Did you champion and argue with the G&L majority numbers on these Boards who said that bisexual needs are being met by gay support programming? Did you/do you fight for more LGBT organizational programming for bisexual women who are at the greatest risk of depression and suicide? (followed by bisexual men..then much smaller percentages of gays and lesbians today) Otherwise, you seem like a gay activist and not a bisexual activist. Then again, maybe you were unaware of the inequality? Going on the radio and speaking about bisexuals like you post on this site with the hatred towards the majority of how bisexuals chose to live their life is not being a bisexual activist. Your posts seem more like the thoughts of a biphobic gay male? Actually darkeyes yes I was instrumental you were not even around then and a wannabe "artist" was deeply closeted and homophobic and biphobic full of their own self loathing deep in the closet as they still are today. I was and still am a bisexual activist and you do not get anything accomplished by mental masturbation, complacency, conformity, or staying closeted. *Facepalm* Tenni yes I did argue with G&L people and I did start support programs and groups for bisexuals only. This site and the people on it who are deeply closeted do not represent the majority of bisexuals.

[IanBorthwick]

Did you/do you fight for more LGBT organizational programming for bisexual women who are at the greatest risk of depression and suicide?(followed by bisexual men..then much smaller percentages of gays and lesbians today)


Are you citing the Canadian studies on this, Tenni? You might want to review some of the data below and include it in your estimations, because you definitely have this backwards. And the report that came out on Bi-invisibility explains why.

In the US today, MEN are most likely to commit suicide at 80%.
http://www.afsp.org/index.cfm?page_id=04ea1254-bd31-1fa3-c549d77e6ca6aa37

No matter where I looked, all I could find was that in the LGBT community, the rates of suicide are 3-5x that of the rest of the world but the numbers didn't cling tighter to women than men. Only in the Canadian study below, but I want to lay out more facts before we get to that. In fact, most of what I found online says if you are Gay you have a 5x greater chance to commit suicide due to the fact that Bi-invisibility has linked Bi-men into their numbers and inflated their reported numbers.

http://www.birequest.org/docstore/2011-SF_HRC-Bi_Iinvisibility_Report.pdf

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_RvWGU1-BPR0/TM9gIng9Z4I/AAAAAAAAABQ/sQxUzbPNW44/s1600/Suicide.png

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/anonymous-discussions/45489-bisexuality-hard-homosexuality-years-ago.html

When all taken into account, the numbers are skewed to the female because of this. In the end, the numbers are proportionately lower than the bi-men thought still MUCH higher than the htero numbers.

Just my two cents.