I too need Advice

[Curiousme2]

I'm a straight man with a Bi-Sexual wife. She wants to have sex with women, which I'm totally fine with, but she doesn't want me to be a part of it. I kinda feel left out. It seems to me like she wants a semi-poly relationship. She's says I don't understand, so I'm asking for help in the understanding part. :(

[Goodone]

Is it just the physical act that she does not want you a part of or is that she does not want you to know what she is doing as well?

I can understand her not wanting you to be a part of the physical act, it often feels like a separate side of you and perhaps she does not want the two sides to intermingle.

I do not agree with her keeping secrets from you though, secrets = cheating if you ask me, bisexuality does not excuse you from being a reasonable person and a trustworthy partner.

[Long Duck Dong]

hi and welcome to the site........

you face a awkward situation in regards to your wives request..... she wants permission but also the right to have it exclusive between her and the other ladies......

the most likely scenario is that she doesn't want you involved cos it may end up sexual between you and the other lady, as that often is the issue that most confronts couples......

the second likely scenario is personal feelings of how you would see your partner in the arms of another female.......

as a partner, your voice matters in the decision making and you do have a right to express yourself... and not be brushed off with " you do not understand " as its your partners role to address your concerns and explain why she has the stance she has, to you.......

unfortunately we can not tell you why your wife is saying what she is, its her job to tell you what you are not seeing and understanding, in terms that you can understand......

ask her to explain it better to you so you understand things better, and explain your thoughts to her clearly.... as there is more to this issue than you have shared

[Curiousme2]

No, she's very open to what she's doing or wants to do. I don't mind really. I just have an urge to be involved with every part of her life. I guess that's a little ridiculous. I have a poly view on my own life but I don't discuss it with her because she gets upset when I tell her I want other women. I'm very honest as is she, I just think it's kinda hypocrytical. I could be wrong, just trying to understand fully.

[Curiousme2]

Thank You Long Duck, that's very informative advice. I'll retry the conversation.

[falcondfw]

No, she's very open to what she's doing or wants to do. I don't mind really. I just have an urge to be involved with every part of her life. I guess that's a little ridiculous. I have a poly view on my own life but I don't discuss it with her because she gets upset when I tell her I want other women. I'm very honest as is she, I just think it's kinda hypocrytical. I could be wrong, just trying to understand fully.

Well, the either that is the problem or one possibility that no one seems to have laid out is she is afraid she will develop feelings for this other female.
She should not get upset with you and you should not get upset with her. If you are married and love each other, you should trust each other. If not, there are communication issues that need to be addressed. just my :2cents:

[Moonlight_BHI]

Saying "You don't understand" is usually a self-defense statement or said out of frustration.
She may feel that, she should be able to have a woman to herself. And yes, fear of you having sexual contact with her lady friend.

Talk to her about it. Good Luck.

[Realist]

Oh, this brings back memories!

I have been bisexual all my life. My first marriage was to a bisexual woman, who didn't want me to be bisexual! She also wanted to play with a certain few women, but did not want me to participate, or even be there.

She felt that was a completely separate part of her life and, as long as it did not affect our married life (It didn't) she felt she should have that special time just for herself and her lover. Actually, I could grasp the concept of not having an audience during an intimate moment. Strangely enough, there are folks who'd rather not have the whole neighborhood in bed with them, at one time! Sharing an intense time could be distracting.

She possessed the theory that, it was natural and even beneficial, for women to be lovers.........BUT, absolutely AWFUL, even NASTY, for men to be lovers! That was the first time I'd ever encountered that double standard...... but have since found that it's not that uncommon. In fact, a married female member, here, agreed with my wife's reasoning!

I have to admit that, at the time, I was not involved with a male and didn't have any prospects. Plus, I loved her so much...and felt she loved me equally.... that I had little problem with her attitude.

Although, I did have an opportunity to be with a fellow, who I met a couple of years after marrying, I chose not to. I was satisfied and happy in my marriage and had no inclination to cheat.

The marriage ended 5 1/2 years later, but not because of her double standards, or anything sexually-related, but because I did something incredibly stupid.

It was a hard lesson to learn...but that's a different ball of string.

[tenni]

I think that this scenario is interesting because it raises questions about hetero poly versus bisexual poly.

Is it different for a bisexual to want to have a same sex experience without their opposite sex partner present than a heterosexual having opposite sex experience without their partner present?

From my perspective it is slightly different and especially if the bisexual is having same sex for the first time. There are a lot of emotions and issues that the bisexual is dealing with. If they are not comfortable with their opposite sex partner being present as that adds more complications and emotional issues than they think that they can deal with, it may be best that their partner not be present.

However, eventually the bi should resolve some emotional aspects to then begin a discussion on whether their hetero partner may also either become involved in the threesome or the hetero be able to also seek out female sex partners. The hetero needs to recognize that there are complicated identity issues being grappled with by their bisexual partner. The hetero should take it slow and don't complicate it by adding in a threesome or why can I not also seek opposite sex partner issues. Deal with that at a later date.

Perhaps, if the OP encourages his wife to discuss what happened on an emotional /identity level with him rather than a salacious two women having sex for "me" fantasy talk with her it may help both him and her understand her bisexuality. Perhaps developing a comfort level and step approach. Maybe, she may eventually be comfortable with him present if he just watches.

[Light_and_Dark]

Well I agree that it is hypocritical...I have stated my opinion here several times...It is not a matter of being bisexual polygamy it is a matter of polygamy...people should not be looking at the bi gay or hetero words when talking poly.

It is not a matter of a woman sleeping with another woman it is a matter of one partner sleeping around on the other...If she wants to get mad about you wanting to sleep with other women then she should back off on her own desires to sleep with other women....

I understand the desire to be involved in something so important in your significant others life. It makes sense sex is not just something to be bandied around like eating burger king.

Now if you find you do not mind her experiencing her bisexuality on her own then that is what you feel is right in the relationship. If you feel that her desire to pursue a selfish polygamous relationship is not a concern for you then let her either way you should talk to her about your concerns and feelings. I know these things if let go can get to you if you really end up concerned about it.

In a meaningful relationship playing swing and miss on something like this could be detrimental....Just my opinions...

LOL

[tenni]

Hi Light and Dark
Would you be kind enough to identify which of you posted the above statement? Is this the belief of a pansexual woman or a heterosexual man?

[Lay-Lay]

I had the same problem. I didn't think I could handle seeing my man with another woman. But now I realize that its not fair for me to ask him if I can and tell him that he can't. I was also afraid that it would be more than a one time thing, the him and the other woman would go behind my back and develop their own relationship. But I have come a long way. I offered to let him go out and have a sexual experience without me and I without him. We do also do stuff together. I trust him and I know that he will never leave me. She just has to realize on her own that whats shes doing isn't fair. But also don't be afraid to tell her that you think its not fair and reassure her that you won't do anything behind her back, that you love her and only her and that she is the one you want to be with.

[Jobelorocks]

Light and Dark, I think you don't know the difference between Polygamy, Polyandry, and Polyamory. Polygamy is when a man is married to or in committed relationships with multiple women. Polyandry is when a female is married to or in committed relationships with multiple men. Polyamory is when a man or woman is married to or in committed relationships with multiple people be them male, female, or whatever else.

[Realist]

I've gotta write this down..I get 'em mixed up, and misspelled, too.

[tenni]

Jobel
Are you sure about those three meanings?

I just checked and wiki states that Polyandry is when a woman has two or more husbands at the same time.

I guess in a more bisexual progressive way of thinking that the partners might be women and men though?

It may be safest to call it just poly in those scenarios?:tong::bigrin:

[Jobelorocks]

sorry I mistyped, I fixed it though

[Jobelorocks]

Jobel
Are you sure about those three meanings?

I just checked and wiki states that Polyandry is when a woman has two or more husbands at the same time.

I guess in a more bisexual progressive way of thinking that the partners might be women and men though?

It may be safest to call it just poly in those scenarios?:tong::bigrin:

In those scenarios it would be considered generally to be polyamorous. If you aren't committed to more than one relationship, but just having fun with others it is swinging.

[Stigandir]

I think a discussion of a bisexual in a committed relationship wanting to experience the other side necessitates a discussion of polyamoury. Polyamory simply means many/multiple (Greek poly) loves (Latin amor). The discussion has to move from possession to love, separating the two emotions, and to see whether both partners are ready to love one another without owning one another and then opening themselves up to loving more than one other.

It does help for us to know these terms as well, and a little knowledge of Greek and Latin are helpful. Etymonline, a good source for the etymology or root/origin of a word, says this about polygamy: "polygamy 1590s, from L.L. polygamia, from Late Gk. polygamia "polygamy," from polygamos "often married," from polys "many" + gamos "marriage" (see gamete). Not etymologically restricted to marriage of one man and multiple women (technically polygyny), but often used as if it were". Polygyny, however, is very specific: " 1780, "having many wives," from poly- "many" (see poly-) + Gk. gyne "woman, wife" (see queen)," as is polyandry, "1780, from Late Gk. polyandria, from polys "many" (see poly-) + andr-, stem of aner "man, husband." But polyamory is not gender-specific, as mentioned above. I know people often confuse these terms--those set against it more so than those open to them--and it is to our detriment when we ourselves use them incorrectly.

My partner and I began discussing our bisexuality (we both are) about 12 years ago and pretty much immediately learned about, discussed and came to terms with polyamory. In fact, our ideal is something called polyfidelity (multiple partners being committed and faithful (from fides, where we get the word fido from too) to one another. But finding partners who are okay with, and in love with, both of us is quite the challenge. We've certainly read about polyamorous triads and quads... But short of this ideal, a discussion of an open, non-possessive relationship is vital to experiencing both other and same-sex sexual relationships. We are so careful that, after 12 years of being open to more relationships, we still haven't acted on it.

Good luck!

[Light_and_Dark]

Hi Light and Dark
Would you be kind enough to identify which of you posted the above statement? Is this the belief of a pansexual woman or a heterosexual man?
The signature LOL is for the heterosexual male:male:.
BHI is the signature for me, the pansexual woman:female:.


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And I think we are all getting off track cause the poster of this thread was not asking for a definition of poly anything. He just wants help in the understanding part that his wife says he wouldn't undertand.

~BHI~
__________________________________________________ ______________________
Yes Jobel you are correct I am not saying the correct terminology I should have been referring to Polyamorous. The point of my statement is still correct though if not the words used to portray that I do apologize about the grammatical error. I will when I have time go through and correct the words...if you read it with the correct terminology it will make more sense.

LOL

[dove45]

I agree with those below, what you seriously need to understand and not take personal is that your female wants to experience a woman because women have a connection that only we understand. It sounds like what she is seeking is what you are not able to provide for her. And please do not take this is a negative manner. I think its wonderful that she was open enough to let you know that she wants to be with a female. Think of it this way, what you love to experience with being with a female is what she wants to experience & she needs to do this without you. Loving someone means putting aside your needs for theirs. Take care.